Giles Watson's poetry and prose
Reynard Hanged by Geese
Misericord: St Augustine's Abbey, Bristol (now Bristol Cathedral).
A WILY WARNING: The poems attached to images in this set are based on the mediaeval French romances of Reynard the Fox. As mediaeval people had a much more bawdy approach to life than we do, some people may find the content of the poems rather offensive. They contain swearing, sex, sacrilege, violence, and sometimes a combination of all four. Sorry.
BRUIN BELEAGURED AND TYBERT ENTANGLED
“Alas, I have an earache!” Isengrin winks and groans,
He lays his head on Coupée’s tomb with grins and mournful moans,
He shakes his ear while all the beasts sing the Stabat Mater,
“My ear is healed! Living proof that Coupée is a martyr!”
“O! Where is Reynard” roars the King, “That fox of falsehood vile?
Bring him to me, Bruin the bear, for Reynard must stand trial!”
“Indeed good Lord,” says Bruin the bear, and ambles on his way,
Little knowing that he soon will rue this fateful day.
A bear has lost his scalp,
A priest has lost his balls
“O who hath done this mischief?”
King Noble wrathful calls.
The beasts all howl
They scoff and scowl
They curse the culprit’s name,
“O jiggered be his japes and jibes
For Reynard is to blame!”
To Maupertuis, Reynard’s castle, Bruin comes at length,
He knows he cannot breach the walls of such great height and strength,
“O Reynard, Reynard come outside, the King has called for you!”
“No indeed,” says the fox, “For I’m busy eating stew!
And after that I’ve pommes noisettes, and fricasee de bunny,
All washed down, my shaggy friend, with lots of mead and honey!”
At the word, poor Bruin drools, ears quivering at the tips,
“Did you say honey?” Bruin calls, and lustful licks his lips.
A bear has lost his scalp,
A priest has lost his balls
“O who hath done this mischief?”
King Noble wrathful calls.
The beasts all howl
They scoff and scowl
They curse the culprit’s name,
“O jiggered be his japes and jibes
For Reynard is to blame!”
“I did indeed,” sly Reynard says, “and sticky is my gob!
Come, see my honey, unguarded glutton, fat ungraceful slob!”
He leads him to a forester’s yard, where stands a half-split oak,
“The honey’s in that cleft, my friend!” He gives the bear a poke.
Slobbering then, Bruin the bear goes sniffing with his muzzle,
He sticks his head into the trunk the honey for to guzzle.
Stealthy Reynard creeps behind and pulls the wedges out,
“Help! I’m trapped! O! let me go!” poor Bruin doth bawl and shout.
A bear has lost his scalp,
A priest has lost his balls
“O who hath done this mischief?”
King Noble wrathful calls.
The beasts all howl
They scoff and scowl
They curse the culprit’s name,
“O jiggered be his japes and jibes
For Reynard is to blame!”
“Not on your nelly, selfish beast!” fleeing Reynard chuckles,
“Well, I’ll be buggered!” bawls the bear, pounding with his knuckles.
Just then the woodsman pokes his nose around his cottage door,
Runs to the village and brings back bold farmers by the score.
They beat the bear with stick and stone, he bellows now with fear,
He tears his head out from the tree, it rips off scalp and ear.
His shoulders drip with gouts of gore, but honey has he nought,
He flees and topples in a swoon at great King Noble’s court.
A bear has lost his scalp,
A priest has lost his balls
“O who hath done this mischief?”
King Noble wrathful calls.
The beasts all howl
They scoff and scowl
They curse the culprit’s name,
“O jiggered be his japes and jibes
For Reynard is to blame!”
“O! Where is Reynard” roars the King, “That fox of falsehood vile?
Bring him here, Tybert the cat, for Reynard must stand trial!”
“Indeed good Lord,” Tybert miaows, and scurries on his way,
Little knowing that he soon will rue this fateful day.
To Maupertuis, Reynard’s castle, Tybert comes at length,
He knows he cannot breach the walls of such great height and strength,
“Reynard, Reynard come outside!” “Nay! I’ve no time for cats!
Bugger off,” grins the fox, “for I’m busy eating rats!”
A bear has lost his scalp,
A priest has lost his balls
“O who hath done this mischief?”
King Noble wrathful calls.
The beasts all howl
They scoff and scowl
They curse the culprit’s name,
“O jiggered be his japes and jibes
For Reynard is to blame!”
“Did you say rats?” Tybert yowls, “I’d like one in my tummy!
For rats are tasty, yes indeed, and not as tough as bunny!”
“Ah!” says Reynard with a smile, “Then I will show you where
You may smell a rat, my friend, and mayhap one may snare!”
To a priest’s home Reynard leads him, creeping on all fours,
Within the priest sleeps bollock-naked, his harlot softly snores,
“Creep inside,” Reynard grins, “and gorge yourself on rats!”
But Tybert creeps into a snare, for the harlot hates all cats.
A bear has lost his scalp,
A priest has lost his balls
“O who hath done this mischief?”
King Noble wrathful calls.
The beasts all howl
They scoff and scowl
They curse the culprit’s name,
“O jiggered be his japes and jibes
For Reynard is to blame!”
Tybert hisses, spits and scratches, the priest leaps from his bed,
Grabs a cane and Tybert thrashes, merciless, upon his head,
Ne’er before had that feline received such bash and wallop -
He bares his teeth, sinks them deep, bites off the priest’s bare bollock.
The priest he roars with agony, the harlot looks dismayed,
Poor Tybert chews the bollock, but still he’s bashed and flayed.
At last the snare snaps in two, the harlot has he fought,
At last he flees and limps away unto Noble’s court.
A bear has lost his scalp,
A priest has lost his balls
“O who hath done this mischief?”
King Noble wrathful calls.
The beasts all howl
They scoff and scowl
They curse the culprit’s name,
“O jiggered be his japes and jibes
For Reynard is to blame!”
REYNARD'S CRUSADE
The King sends Grimbert, badger burly
To Reynard in the morning early.
Reynard’s cousin is Grimbert,
“Mayhap with thee he will play fair!”
Grimbert pounds on the portcullis,
Reynard sings inside “...qui tollis
Peccata mundi crême de la crême,
Dona eis requiem!
Chorus
Holy Reynard, blessed trickster
Your enemies are all too thick, Sir!
With your scrip, staff in your hand
Do you take the cross to the Holy Land?
Or will King Noble be betrayed
When Reynard goes on his crusade?
“The mighty king hath sent me hither
Tho’ from this task I wilt and wither,
O naughty fox! Wayward cousin!
Thy tricks are but a dime a dozen!”
Reynard stops and pricks his ear
At Grimbert’s words, he sheds a tear,
“O! Lacrimosa dies illa
Qua resurget ex gorilla!”
Chorus
“O Reynard, cousin, art thou shent?”
Reynard bawleth, “I repent!
O! Mea culpa! Dies irae!
Ne tortellini crême igne!”
“Do you really?” wept Grimbert,
“I pray the Lord thy life might spare!”
“O! Rex tremendae majestatis!
Je mange le coq qui salvos gratis!”
Chorus
To Noble’s court they go in haste,
Reynard says, “I’d like a taste
Of that fine cockrel over there!”
Grimbert groans and tears his hair:
“Incorrigible rogue! You repented -
Yet I doubt somehow that you meant it!”
Reynard says “Pickles et Red Leicester!
Inter oves locum praesta!”
Chorus
All the beasts come out to jeer,
Reynard sheds another tear.
“You beastly fox!” cries Couard the hare,
Reynard gives a menacing stare.
King Noble roars, “Methinks the gibbet
Will your noxious deeds inhibit!”
Quoth Reynard, “Absolvisti
Pater nostril mumbo jumbo Christi!”
Chorus
They tie the rope and hang the noose,
Reynard harangued by hen and goose,
Beaten, tied up and blindfolded,
The fox who left a wolf cuckolded.
The beasts are thus the fox upbraiding
When he says, “I’ll go crusading!
Infidelium omnipotem!
Reynard in Jerusalem!”
Chorus
Up the ladder fox doth grope,
A gaggle of geese pull on the rope,
But Noble then casts off his crown,
And cries, “For pity! Cut him down!”
A red-crossed tabard is bestowed
On Reynard. Chanticleer crowed,
“Don’t you see? ‘Tis but a jest!”
Reynard saith, “Stultissimus est!”
Chorus
“Methinks crusades are somewhat scary,
Grant me thy ring, Lady Fière!”
The Queen bestows her ruby ring,
Reynard doth a soft psalm sing.
“Te decet hymnus Deus in Sion,
Me fancy coitus with that lion!
Reddetur in Jerusalem!
Mon dieu! Ici une tasty femme!”
Chorus
As he goes forth upon his trek
He grabs poor Couard by the neck,
“Methinks my cubs would like to meet you,
And mayhap also to eat you!”
Then he rips the red-crossed flag,
He wipes his arsehole with the rag,
He shouts to Noble, “Daft old twit!
It looks better smeared with shit!”
Chorus
King Noble rends his mane and roars,
Fière haughtily ignores
Her husband fierce. She calls him “Fool!
You’ve brought us all to ridicule!”
At Maupertuis Reynard’s pot
Soon is ready, piping hot.
“Lepus capensis! Vere yummy!
Requiem in Reynard’s tummy!”
Chorus
THE SIEGE OF MAUPERTUIS
Moat, portcullis, crenellations:
King Noble is in need of patience.
Reynard’s strong fortifications
Will stand the siege; there is no doubt
The King will have to starve him out!
Reynard sits inside and grins,
“I have beer and wine and gin -
So bugger you, bold Isengrin!
I have capons plump and tasty
And lots of flour to make the pastry!”
Upon the tower Reynard stands,
He winks his eye and waves his hands,
His gaze on Lady Hersent lands:
“I trod your grapes, and that’s a fact;
I had something Isengrin lacked!”
Reynard, what will break this siege?
Why, my libido will, my liege!
He sees Tybert by the moat,
Vile Reynard doth leer and gloat,
“Oh, Tybert, patchy is thy coat!
Such maltreatment oft befalls
A cat who steals a parson’s balls!”
Reynard goes down into his hall,
He eats two capons, giblets, all,
“I’ll never be King Noble’s thrall,
Though I’d risk any kind of strife
If I could tup King Noble’s wife!”
‘Neath Maupertuis Noble camps,
In the cold, brave Bruin stamps,
At night there glow a myriad lamps.
Fière sleeps separate in a sulk
Below the castle’s looming hulk.
Reynard, what will break this siege?
Why, my libido will, my liege!
And so it is, for many a day,
King Noble will not go away,
Although the fog hangs grim and grey,
And Reynard watches the haughty Queen,
“The sexiest I’ve ever seen!”
And so when all do sleep and snore,
Lustful Reynard waits no more,
“I’ll turn this queen into a whore!”
He creeps upon his enemy
And ties each tail to a tree.
He slips between Fière’s thighs,
In the dark she moans and sighs,
She pants and squeals, howls and cries,
“Oh! My Lord! Strong and tawny!
What hath made thee hard and horny?”
Reynard, what will break this siege?
Why, my libido will, my liege!
At length she wakes and sees Reynard,
Still the fox is at it hard,
“Oh! Rape and ravish! Such disregard
For my status! O violation!
And right in the middle of ovulation!”
They wake to see the fox defiling
Noble’s Queen, and reviling
All the host, and slyly smiling,
Noble roars, the fox ne’er flinches,
The lion’s tail stretched by six inches.
The beasts all cry with lamentation,
Noble sweats with desperation,
Reynard completes his desecration
Of the poor disgruntled Queen,
Most brazen outlaw ever seen.
Reynard, what will break this siege?
Why, my libido will, my liege!
All the beasts do weep and wail,
Noble looks embarrassed, pale,
But Sir Tardy, valiant snail
Wafts his little silver sword
And cuts free vassal, King and lord.
Many creatures lose their tails
To the lightning sword of snail
But now they’re hard on Reynard’s trail
And Tardy grabs him by the foot,
“Methinks, sly fox, thou art kaput!”
And so is Reynard brought to grief
Caught by his own lust and lief
Yet still he scowls and bares his teeth,
The wily fox they tie and gag,
“But it was worth it for a shag!”
Reynard, what will break this siege?
Why, my libido will, my liege!
FOR AN INTRODUCTORY ESSAY FOR THESE SONGS, PLEASE GO TO THE REYNARD THE FOX SET ON MY PHOTOSTREAM.
Reynard Hanged by Geese
Misericord: St Augustine's Abbey, Bristol (now Bristol Cathedral).
A WILY WARNING: The poems attached to images in this set are based on the mediaeval French romances of Reynard the Fox. As mediaeval people had a much more bawdy approach to life than we do, some people may find the content of the poems rather offensive. They contain swearing, sex, sacrilege, violence, and sometimes a combination of all four. Sorry.
BRUIN BELEAGURED AND TYBERT ENTANGLED
“Alas, I have an earache!” Isengrin winks and groans,
He lays his head on Coupée’s tomb with grins and mournful moans,
He shakes his ear while all the beasts sing the Stabat Mater,
“My ear is healed! Living proof that Coupée is a martyr!”
“O! Where is Reynard” roars the King, “That fox of falsehood vile?
Bring him to me, Bruin the bear, for Reynard must stand trial!”
“Indeed good Lord,” says Bruin the bear, and ambles on his way,
Little knowing that he soon will rue this fateful day.
A bear has lost his scalp,
A priest has lost his balls
“O who hath done this mischief?”
King Noble wrathful calls.
The beasts all howl
They scoff and scowl
They curse the culprit’s name,
“O jiggered be his japes and jibes
For Reynard is to blame!”
To Maupertuis, Reynard’s castle, Bruin comes at length,
He knows he cannot breach the walls of such great height and strength,
“O Reynard, Reynard come outside, the King has called for you!”
“No indeed,” says the fox, “For I’m busy eating stew!
And after that I’ve pommes noisettes, and fricasee de bunny,
All washed down, my shaggy friend, with lots of mead and honey!”
At the word, poor Bruin drools, ears quivering at the tips,
“Did you say honey?” Bruin calls, and lustful licks his lips.
A bear has lost his scalp,
A priest has lost his balls
“O who hath done this mischief?”
King Noble wrathful calls.
The beasts all howl
They scoff and scowl
They curse the culprit’s name,
“O jiggered be his japes and jibes
For Reynard is to blame!”
“I did indeed,” sly Reynard says, “and sticky is my gob!
Come, see my honey, unguarded glutton, fat ungraceful slob!”
He leads him to a forester’s yard, where stands a half-split oak,
“The honey’s in that cleft, my friend!” He gives the bear a poke.
Slobbering then, Bruin the bear goes sniffing with his muzzle,
He sticks his head into the trunk the honey for to guzzle.
Stealthy Reynard creeps behind and pulls the wedges out,
“Help! I’m trapped! O! let me go!” poor Bruin doth bawl and shout.
A bear has lost his scalp,
A priest has lost his balls
“O who hath done this mischief?”
King Noble wrathful calls.
The beasts all howl
They scoff and scowl
They curse the culprit’s name,
“O jiggered be his japes and jibes
For Reynard is to blame!”
“Not on your nelly, selfish beast!” fleeing Reynard chuckles,
“Well, I’ll be buggered!” bawls the bear, pounding with his knuckles.
Just then the woodsman pokes his nose around his cottage door,
Runs to the village and brings back bold farmers by the score.
They beat the bear with stick and stone, he bellows now with fear,
He tears his head out from the tree, it rips off scalp and ear.
His shoulders drip with gouts of gore, but honey has he nought,
He flees and topples in a swoon at great King Noble’s court.
A bear has lost his scalp,
A priest has lost his balls
“O who hath done this mischief?”
King Noble wrathful calls.
The beasts all howl
They scoff and scowl
They curse the culprit’s name,
“O jiggered be his japes and jibes
For Reynard is to blame!”
“O! Where is Reynard” roars the King, “That fox of falsehood vile?
Bring him here, Tybert the cat, for Reynard must stand trial!”
“Indeed good Lord,” Tybert miaows, and scurries on his way,
Little knowing that he soon will rue this fateful day.
To Maupertuis, Reynard’s castle, Tybert comes at length,
He knows he cannot breach the walls of such great height and strength,
“Reynard, Reynard come outside!” “Nay! I’ve no time for cats!
Bugger off,” grins the fox, “for I’m busy eating rats!”
A bear has lost his scalp,
A priest has lost his balls
“O who hath done this mischief?”
King Noble wrathful calls.
The beasts all howl
They scoff and scowl
They curse the culprit’s name,
“O jiggered be his japes and jibes
For Reynard is to blame!”
“Did you say rats?” Tybert yowls, “I’d like one in my tummy!
For rats are tasty, yes indeed, and not as tough as bunny!”
“Ah!” says Reynard with a smile, “Then I will show you where
You may smell a rat, my friend, and mayhap one may snare!”
To a priest’s home Reynard leads him, creeping on all fours,
Within the priest sleeps bollock-naked, his harlot softly snores,
“Creep inside,” Reynard grins, “and gorge yourself on rats!”
But Tybert creeps into a snare, for the harlot hates all cats.
A bear has lost his scalp,
A priest has lost his balls
“O who hath done this mischief?”
King Noble wrathful calls.
The beasts all howl
They scoff and scowl
They curse the culprit’s name,
“O jiggered be his japes and jibes
For Reynard is to blame!”
Tybert hisses, spits and scratches, the priest leaps from his bed,
Grabs a cane and Tybert thrashes, merciless, upon his head,
Ne’er before had that feline received such bash and wallop -
He bares his teeth, sinks them deep, bites off the priest’s bare bollock.
The priest he roars with agony, the harlot looks dismayed,
Poor Tybert chews the bollock, but still he’s bashed and flayed.
At last the snare snaps in two, the harlot has he fought,
At last he flees and limps away unto Noble’s court.
A bear has lost his scalp,
A priest has lost his balls
“O who hath done this mischief?”
King Noble wrathful calls.
The beasts all howl
They scoff and scowl
They curse the culprit’s name,
“O jiggered be his japes and jibes
For Reynard is to blame!”
REYNARD'S CRUSADE
The King sends Grimbert, badger burly
To Reynard in the morning early.
Reynard’s cousin is Grimbert,
“Mayhap with thee he will play fair!”
Grimbert pounds on the portcullis,
Reynard sings inside “...qui tollis
Peccata mundi crême de la crême,
Dona eis requiem!
Chorus
Holy Reynard, blessed trickster
Your enemies are all too thick, Sir!
With your scrip, staff in your hand
Do you take the cross to the Holy Land?
Or will King Noble be betrayed
When Reynard goes on his crusade?
“The mighty king hath sent me hither
Tho’ from this task I wilt and wither,
O naughty fox! Wayward cousin!
Thy tricks are but a dime a dozen!”
Reynard stops and pricks his ear
At Grimbert’s words, he sheds a tear,
“O! Lacrimosa dies illa
Qua resurget ex gorilla!”
Chorus
“O Reynard, cousin, art thou shent?”
Reynard bawleth, “I repent!
O! Mea culpa! Dies irae!
Ne tortellini crême igne!”
“Do you really?” wept Grimbert,
“I pray the Lord thy life might spare!”
“O! Rex tremendae majestatis!
Je mange le coq qui salvos gratis!”
Chorus
To Noble’s court they go in haste,
Reynard says, “I’d like a taste
Of that fine cockrel over there!”
Grimbert groans and tears his hair:
“Incorrigible rogue! You repented -
Yet I doubt somehow that you meant it!”
Reynard says “Pickles et Red Leicester!
Inter oves locum praesta!”
Chorus
All the beasts come out to jeer,
Reynard sheds another tear.
“You beastly fox!” cries Couard the hare,
Reynard gives a menacing stare.
King Noble roars, “Methinks the gibbet
Will your noxious deeds inhibit!”
Quoth Reynard, “Absolvisti
Pater nostril mumbo jumbo Christi!”
Chorus
They tie the rope and hang the noose,
Reynard harangued by hen and goose,
Beaten, tied up and blindfolded,
The fox who left a wolf cuckolded.
The beasts are thus the fox upbraiding
When he says, “I’ll go crusading!
Infidelium omnipotem!
Reynard in Jerusalem!”
Chorus
Up the ladder fox doth grope,
A gaggle of geese pull on the rope,
But Noble then casts off his crown,
And cries, “For pity! Cut him down!”
A red-crossed tabard is bestowed
On Reynard. Chanticleer crowed,
“Don’t you see? ‘Tis but a jest!”
Reynard saith, “Stultissimus est!”
Chorus
“Methinks crusades are somewhat scary,
Grant me thy ring, Lady Fière!”
The Queen bestows her ruby ring,
Reynard doth a soft psalm sing.
“Te decet hymnus Deus in Sion,
Me fancy coitus with that lion!
Reddetur in Jerusalem!
Mon dieu! Ici une tasty femme!”
Chorus
As he goes forth upon his trek
He grabs poor Couard by the neck,
“Methinks my cubs would like to meet you,
And mayhap also to eat you!”
Then he rips the red-crossed flag,
He wipes his arsehole with the rag,
He shouts to Noble, “Daft old twit!
It looks better smeared with shit!”
Chorus
King Noble rends his mane and roars,
Fière haughtily ignores
Her husband fierce. She calls him “Fool!
You’ve brought us all to ridicule!”
At Maupertuis Reynard’s pot
Soon is ready, piping hot.
“Lepus capensis! Vere yummy!
Requiem in Reynard’s tummy!”
Chorus
THE SIEGE OF MAUPERTUIS
Moat, portcullis, crenellations:
King Noble is in need of patience.
Reynard’s strong fortifications
Will stand the siege; there is no doubt
The King will have to starve him out!
Reynard sits inside and grins,
“I have beer and wine and gin -
So bugger you, bold Isengrin!
I have capons plump and tasty
And lots of flour to make the pastry!”
Upon the tower Reynard stands,
He winks his eye and waves his hands,
His gaze on Lady Hersent lands:
“I trod your grapes, and that’s a fact;
I had something Isengrin lacked!”
Reynard, what will break this siege?
Why, my libido will, my liege!
He sees Tybert by the moat,
Vile Reynard doth leer and gloat,
“Oh, Tybert, patchy is thy coat!
Such maltreatment oft befalls
A cat who steals a parson’s balls!”
Reynard goes down into his hall,
He eats two capons, giblets, all,
“I’ll never be King Noble’s thrall,
Though I’d risk any kind of strife
If I could tup King Noble’s wife!”
‘Neath Maupertuis Noble camps,
In the cold, brave Bruin stamps,
At night there glow a myriad lamps.
Fière sleeps separate in a sulk
Below the castle’s looming hulk.
Reynard, what will break this siege?
Why, my libido will, my liege!
And so it is, for many a day,
King Noble will not go away,
Although the fog hangs grim and grey,
And Reynard watches the haughty Queen,
“The sexiest I’ve ever seen!”
And so when all do sleep and snore,
Lustful Reynard waits no more,
“I’ll turn this queen into a whore!”
He creeps upon his enemy
And ties each tail to a tree.
He slips between Fière’s thighs,
In the dark she moans and sighs,
She pants and squeals, howls and cries,
“Oh! My Lord! Strong and tawny!
What hath made thee hard and horny?”
Reynard, what will break this siege?
Why, my libido will, my liege!
At length she wakes and sees Reynard,
Still the fox is at it hard,
“Oh! Rape and ravish! Such disregard
For my status! O violation!
And right in the middle of ovulation!”
They wake to see the fox defiling
Noble’s Queen, and reviling
All the host, and slyly smiling,
Noble roars, the fox ne’er flinches,
The lion’s tail stretched by six inches.
The beasts all cry with lamentation,
Noble sweats with desperation,
Reynard completes his desecration
Of the poor disgruntled Queen,
Most brazen outlaw ever seen.
Reynard, what will break this siege?
Why, my libido will, my liege!
All the beasts do weep and wail,
Noble looks embarrassed, pale,
But Sir Tardy, valiant snail
Wafts his little silver sword
And cuts free vassal, King and lord.
Many creatures lose their tails
To the lightning sword of snail
But now they’re hard on Reynard’s trail
And Tardy grabs him by the foot,
“Methinks, sly fox, thou art kaput!”
And so is Reynard brought to grief
Caught by his own lust and lief
Yet still he scowls and bares his teeth,
The wily fox they tie and gag,
“But it was worth it for a shag!”
Reynard, what will break this siege?
Why, my libido will, my liege!
FOR AN INTRODUCTORY ESSAY FOR THESE SONGS, PLEASE GO TO THE REYNARD THE FOX SET ON MY PHOTOSTREAM.