NotRocket
my amazingest discoverance
ladies and gentleman, dogs and cats.
when one thinks of the great discoverists of our time, very few people come to mind. that may be because i just coined that word, but nonetheless, my point has been made. our generation—and i say that without being able to gauge my audience—is one that lives in fear of new frontiers. the internet? too unsafe. boobs? prophylactics are expensive these days. prunes? maybe plums have less of a stigma, mom.
but here i am, your fearless leader, dropkicking those boundaries in their fat, ugly buckteeth. get orthodontic braces, boundaries. or feel my wrath.
so back to my discoverance. i looked for a chisel and a large, pre-flattened rock. one that would have been hand-delivered to charlton heston's cold, dead hands by a key grip, but alas, no luck. so i've instead marked my territory in a very odorless way on the internet. here you have my discoverance. the topless beer.
the topless beer is the brainchild of no less than 20 seconds of problem solving. and despite her arduous upbringing, she ended in nearly 5 minutes of pure enjoyment—with far less burping. see, you drink from the can, but it's like a glass. i hate having to explain things to you. let me break it down into instructions.
1. crack open the beer using its lame tab opener thing like the sheep that you are.
2. use a can opener to get rid of the top. pretend you're poor, like many of the great fearless discoverists were. maybe you're eating a can of creamed corn to save money. but maybe you just like creamed corn. stop judging, asshole.
3. drink the beer like you would normally, but from a glass made of aluminum that you made with your ingenuity and hard work.
life is rewarding. especially if you're me. and you've had several of these topless beers ™.
my amazingest discoverance
ladies and gentleman, dogs and cats.
when one thinks of the great discoverists of our time, very few people come to mind. that may be because i just coined that word, but nonetheless, my point has been made. our generation—and i say that without being able to gauge my audience—is one that lives in fear of new frontiers. the internet? too unsafe. boobs? prophylactics are expensive these days. prunes? maybe plums have less of a stigma, mom.
but here i am, your fearless leader, dropkicking those boundaries in their fat, ugly buckteeth. get orthodontic braces, boundaries. or feel my wrath.
so back to my discoverance. i looked for a chisel and a large, pre-flattened rock. one that would have been hand-delivered to charlton heston's cold, dead hands by a key grip, but alas, no luck. so i've instead marked my territory in a very odorless way on the internet. here you have my discoverance. the topless beer.
the topless beer is the brainchild of no less than 20 seconds of problem solving. and despite her arduous upbringing, she ended in nearly 5 minutes of pure enjoyment—with far less burping. see, you drink from the can, but it's like a glass. i hate having to explain things to you. let me break it down into instructions.
1. crack open the beer using its lame tab opener thing like the sheep that you are.
2. use a can opener to get rid of the top. pretend you're poor, like many of the great fearless discoverists were. maybe you're eating a can of creamed corn to save money. but maybe you just like creamed corn. stop judging, asshole.
3. drink the beer like you would normally, but from a glass made of aluminum that you made with your ingenuity and hard work.
life is rewarding. especially if you're me. and you've had several of these topless beers ™.