366/365 Time to choose
There are two parts
in me
One of them
is who I am
it is what makes me vibrate
it is the part that makes me create
it is what I am here to do
it is the part that knows Joy
it is the part that knows Light
it is the part that loves
it is the part that is open
it is the part that makes me live
The other one
is what I fear
it is the part that refuses all risk
it is what makes me hide from myself
it is the part that wants everything to remain as I know it
it is the part that compares
it is the part that is threatened
it is that wants to be told nice things
it is the part that wants to be safe
it is the part that knows Time
it is the part that is closed
it is the part that just wants to survive
Call them
however
you want
The second one
that dark and fearful part of myself
is very eloquent
and loud
it knows words
it knows thoughts
it knows how to reason
it knows how to argument
and
it never stops talking
The first one
the one that sees light
knows no words
no thoughts
no beliefs
no fleeting emotions
it knows presence
it knows eternity
and it is almost silent
The second one
that ever worrying part of myself
I learned it
at a time
I thought I would suffer
and maybe even disappear
if I didn't protect myself
from everything
around me
that part knows how to fight
The first one
I didn't learn
it was there
all the time
in me
it always was
it simply is
and
always will be
Fighting doesn't mean anything to it
nothing means anything to it
really
and even though
it is almost silent
even though is has no words
and no thoughts to form in my mind to defend itself ...
even though
the scared one is loud and restless and talking and thinking and reacting and getting scared and speeding up all the time ...
even though I am reminded by my fears that I never have enough time ...
that I am oh-so-very tired and I should go to sleep instead ...
even though ...
... I can still hear it
slowing down
and turning time itself against the fear
turning the silence
against the words and the thoughts
by letting go
of my own noise
and let it recede
for a moment
... I can still hear it
showing me who I am
showing me why I am here
what I am here to do
without any explanation
without any justification
just being there
... I can still hear it
showing me Beauty
...
And the noise starts again
the rushing traffic of pulsating thoughts invades again the place that was quiet
attracting my attention again and again
on everything that is scary
everything that could be dangerous
everything that I should regret
everything that I should worry about
trying to confuse me
trying to exhaust me
It seems unending
it seems that I'll never get rid of it
new scary thoughts will follow
the current scary thoughts
who followed
the previous scary thougts
and so on
forever
until
I fall
of exhaustion
Truth is
it may never stop
it may be that the fear will always be here
in that part of me
and that
it will never stop talking
inside of me
But
still
I have
a choice
The traffic is raging
screaming
but I don't have to let it run me over
That crazy traffic of thoughts
is loud
and unending
but all it wants
is to grab my attention
and never let it go
But ...
that's
entirely
for me
to choose
I can choose
where I focus my attention
I can choose
which of these parts I will listen to
which one I will follow
which one I will attend to
the scared traffic
or
the light
At every moment
I can choose
to yield
to my fears
to try to appease the worry for a short while
by going back to where I was before
to try to compare myself to who's around and feel unadequate
or threatened
or reassured for short while
to try to hide behind my walls to avoid being judged
for a short while
to try to ask for reassuring words
and try to convince myself thatI am indeed reassured
for a short while
to try to wear a better mask
to try to learn a better mask to wear
to try to buy a better mask to wear
until it wears out
in a short while
to try to numb myself
with food
with more noise
with more confusion
with my drug of choice
until it gets addictive
to try to distract myself
with cynicism
with resentment
with sneers
with mockery
for a short while
and with mocking the mockery
for another short while
to let my very own confusion exhaust me
and to accept all the rationalizations it readily hands me over
to let it make me so tired I feel I have no other option than going to bed
and not do anything
for a short while
All this will not change anything
the moment after that
the next day
the next year
will be the same
and so on
short while after short while
But ... that's exactly the point of all this
after all
Just surviving
...
Instead
I could
choose
to attend to that other part of myself
the one I cannot
simply
yield to
the part
I have to listen to
in the silence
the part
that requires me to
choose
to make silence
and
to actually make silence
the part
that requires me to
refuse to delightfully accept
the confusion
the part
that will never go away
that will never be swayed
that will never be convinced to stop from being
the one
that has no opposite
the one
that is
And
then
I can choose
to act upon
what I was shown
upon
who I am
This is a
choice
that needs to be
made
all the time
Once is not enough
once has never been enough
Every moment
I have this choice
of which part of me
I focus on
satisfying my fears by recoiling
or
getting out and play in the light
There is no bargain
there is no later
choosing later is the realm of fear
there is only a choice
right now
to listen to who I am
with great care
or
to accept what will keep me at a safe distance from it
Right now
after right now
after right now
...
which am I choosing to serve ?
366/365 Time to choose
There are two parts
in me
One of them
is who I am
it is what makes me vibrate
it is the part that makes me create
it is what I am here to do
it is the part that knows Joy
it is the part that knows Light
it is the part that loves
it is the part that is open
it is the part that makes me live
The other one
is what I fear
it is the part that refuses all risk
it is what makes me hide from myself
it is the part that wants everything to remain as I know it
it is the part that compares
it is the part that is threatened
it is that wants to be told nice things
it is the part that wants to be safe
it is the part that knows Time
it is the part that is closed
it is the part that just wants to survive
Call them
however
you want
The second one
that dark and fearful part of myself
is very eloquent
and loud
it knows words
it knows thoughts
it knows how to reason
it knows how to argument
and
it never stops talking
The first one
the one that sees light
knows no words
no thoughts
no beliefs
no fleeting emotions
it knows presence
it knows eternity
and it is almost silent
The second one
that ever worrying part of myself
I learned it
at a time
I thought I would suffer
and maybe even disappear
if I didn't protect myself
from everything
around me
that part knows how to fight
The first one
I didn't learn
it was there
all the time
in me
it always was
it simply is
and
always will be
Fighting doesn't mean anything to it
nothing means anything to it
really
and even though
it is almost silent
even though is has no words
and no thoughts to form in my mind to defend itself ...
even though
the scared one is loud and restless and talking and thinking and reacting and getting scared and speeding up all the time ...
even though I am reminded by my fears that I never have enough time ...
that I am oh-so-very tired and I should go to sleep instead ...
even though ...
... I can still hear it
slowing down
and turning time itself against the fear
turning the silence
against the words and the thoughts
by letting go
of my own noise
and let it recede
for a moment
... I can still hear it
showing me who I am
showing me why I am here
what I am here to do
without any explanation
without any justification
just being there
... I can still hear it
showing me Beauty
...
And the noise starts again
the rushing traffic of pulsating thoughts invades again the place that was quiet
attracting my attention again and again
on everything that is scary
everything that could be dangerous
everything that I should regret
everything that I should worry about
trying to confuse me
trying to exhaust me
It seems unending
it seems that I'll never get rid of it
new scary thoughts will follow
the current scary thoughts
who followed
the previous scary thougts
and so on
forever
until
I fall
of exhaustion
Truth is
it may never stop
it may be that the fear will always be here
in that part of me
and that
it will never stop talking
inside of me
But
still
I have
a choice
The traffic is raging
screaming
but I don't have to let it run me over
That crazy traffic of thoughts
is loud
and unending
but all it wants
is to grab my attention
and never let it go
But ...
that's
entirely
for me
to choose
I can choose
where I focus my attention
I can choose
which of these parts I will listen to
which one I will follow
which one I will attend to
the scared traffic
or
the light
At every moment
I can choose
to yield
to my fears
to try to appease the worry for a short while
by going back to where I was before
to try to compare myself to who's around and feel unadequate
or threatened
or reassured for short while
to try to hide behind my walls to avoid being judged
for a short while
to try to ask for reassuring words
and try to convince myself thatI am indeed reassured
for a short while
to try to wear a better mask
to try to learn a better mask to wear
to try to buy a better mask to wear
until it wears out
in a short while
to try to numb myself
with food
with more noise
with more confusion
with my drug of choice
until it gets addictive
to try to distract myself
with cynicism
with resentment
with sneers
with mockery
for a short while
and with mocking the mockery
for another short while
to let my very own confusion exhaust me
and to accept all the rationalizations it readily hands me over
to let it make me so tired I feel I have no other option than going to bed
and not do anything
for a short while
All this will not change anything
the moment after that
the next day
the next year
will be the same
and so on
short while after short while
But ... that's exactly the point of all this
after all
Just surviving
...
Instead
I could
choose
to attend to that other part of myself
the one I cannot
simply
yield to
the part
I have to listen to
in the silence
the part
that requires me to
choose
to make silence
and
to actually make silence
the part
that requires me to
refuse to delightfully accept
the confusion
the part
that will never go away
that will never be swayed
that will never be convinced to stop from being
the one
that has no opposite
the one
that is
And
then
I can choose
to act upon
what I was shown
upon
who I am
This is a
choice
that needs to be
made
all the time
Once is not enough
once has never been enough
Every moment
I have this choice
of which part of me
I focus on
satisfying my fears by recoiling
or
getting out and play in the light
There is no bargain
there is no later
choosing later is the realm of fear
there is only a choice
right now
to listen to who I am
with great care
or
to accept what will keep me at a safe distance from it
Right now
after right now
after right now
...
which am I choosing to serve ?