364/365 Time to breathe

I feel

        most of the time

        we are like

                        twisted

                balloons

    inside

 

Full of knots

            and blocks

 

We take in

          a little air

    and

        as soon as it hits

                      the first knot

                      the first twist

                        behind our throat

    we stop

            and we promptly let that air out

We do that again

      and again

  This is all we do

                  and we call this quick

                        and shallow agitation of air

            breathing

 

Really ?

 

This

          is to breathing

      what

                  surviving

        is to living

 

    this is

                just

        the bare

          minimum

                to avoid being

            lethally asphyxiated

 

      this is being

                permanently

            underfed

 

      this is

              constant

            exhaustion

 

 

But if we took

                        this air

                      in

    and instead of freaking out

    when we feel it will reach that first block

                                                                                inside

        instead

        if we took more air

      then we would feel this knot

            for what it is

 

    for it is not the end of our inner space

      but merely a passage

          that we let become narrower and narrower

            after years and years of fear

                years and years of not exploring it

                years and years of letting the darkness settle in

        until

              we finally let it contract

                and fold itself over

        until

              it felt

              like a dead end

 

        if

                instead

            we took more air in

                    it could

                                    start

                                    to unfold

 

  If you tried this

                    if you taking more air in

              you would think

                  at first

            that it couldn't move

    but if you really tried

            then

        you'd begin to feel it moving

        and it would be painful at first

  it would be so painful

            feeling the air ripping you open

                                                            from the inside

            reaching that part of you

                  that you left for dead

                                              inside of you

                                  breathing again

 

and then

    after the first wave of tears

      had finally receded

 

you would feel

    that you can breathe a little more

  that there is more space inside you

  than you thought

 

you would breathe a little deeper

    and you wouldn't feel that you had to get rid of that air

        immediately

        like before

    and

        you would breathe a little slower

 

And

        you could do it again

    and going deeper

  you would feel

        there is another knot

          further down

    and it would take even more air

                                                  to push it

                                                  to try to unfold it

  you could do it

  it would take just a little more

        it would also be painful

        as it gets unstuck

            you would feel more space inside you

            that you had also left for dead

          in the dark

          unexplored

                for even more years

You didn't even remember it was there in you

    that you had all this inside of you

    so much more space than before

 

and now

      you could breathe into it

  and let the air

              go through it

      and touch it

 

You would have to breathe slower

    to get filled

                          now

  it has to go deeper

 

 

And it doesn't stop here

      you know it

  you feel them

      all the other knots

            inside of you

  you know that if you pull more air in

  then

      it will unfold more of these knots

      and open

            more of these parts

        of your body

                that you left for dead

                not having paid attention to them

                for so long

 

But you know you fear

                                        the pain

          you know you can convince yourself that just a little air

              is enough

              to survive

    you've done it for so long

 

 

    Now ...

all it takes

    is a little more air

    and then a little more

  to

      start feeling your body

      live again

 

    like when you were a kid

        and you laughed and you screamed and you jumped and you ran all around

      and it took a lot of air to animate your whole body

          and you were not feeling tired at all

 

    Not like now

 

 

Let it unfold

    make it unfold

 

    it's all in a deep breath

        one at a time

 

    you can take in a lot more than you think

 

  Don't think

            Breathe

 

Done