60/365 Shrinking space
"Ugh... I look ugly !"
It happens almost every time
And the response is almost invariably
"What ??? Not at all ! You're wrong ! You look beautiful"
Then it comes back, as invariably
"No... I'm not. I'm ugly."
I don't know how many variations of this dialogue I have heard
For more than 25 years now
It's wearing me out
Two people look at pictures of themselves
One of them makes a very negative comment
not about the picture
they always insist it's not about the picture itself
it's about themselves
It's about that thing in themselves that they don't like
the shape of their nose
their smile that looks stupid
that their hair looks too curly
or too straight
that their arm is too fat
that their legs look too short
this darker spot in their eyes
their teeth which are too dark
that ... whatever
you name it
anything goes for this purpose
"The picture is fine ...
it's just me..."
They know exactly what they don't like in themselves
they know it without having to look at the picture
the picture is just an additional proof they can point at
an additional element they can add to the scale, to make it tilt a little more toward the side they have long chosen
They point at that thing in them that
they know it
other people will not like
that makes them deviate from some ideal
that they have to be
they know it
to be liked by others
They know it
for sure
it's obvious
they can see the thoughts in the mind of others
focusing on that oh-so-imperfect part of themselves
and turning away
rejecting them
Except of course
no one
but themselves
finds this supposedly imperfect thing to be a motive for rejection
Especially not the person sitting aside
and who came to be photographed along
"What ??? no... you're just beautiful here... "
Like clockwork.
You might want to believe that they were looking for reassurance,
that even though they are imperfect, they will still be liked
appreciated, loved...
But in more than twenty five years of witnessing this happening
I've seen every single reassurance attempt crash and burn.
No one accepts them. Ever.
"No... I'm ugly"
Such a nicely tuned clockwork.
"I'm telling you, you're beautiful !"
"No, I'm not"
...
...
A freakishly precise clockwork.
And most of what others say as a response
is not even a reassurance attempt, really
They do find them beautiful
you can hear it in their voice
in their intonation
they are sincere
And each time that "no, I'm not beautiful" comes back
... I can feel it
it's a rejection of what we have in our heart
when we say that you're beautiful
and we feel it
it's a little more distance added between us
it's an occation to get closer
that is pushed back
of course this is not how you see it when you say that
you really believe that you're not beautiful
you really believe that we think that what you perceive as an imperfection will push us away
you're as sincere
but it's a sincerity
that is based on having your eyes closed
except on this supposed defect of yours
a sincerity that thrives on ignoring everything that we see when we look at you and we see you whole
still, it feels like honest sincerity to you
doesn't it ?
So I could try to reassure you
and the person sitting next to you could try to reassure you
and it will not work
and you will cling on that defect of yours
and maintain that you're ugly.
It's as if this defect had become your own definition or yourself
something you spent so much time and energy absorbing
until you believed that it is the reason that you could not be liked
loved
that you can't let it go
and just listen
to what we say
"you're beautiful"
And each time that
"No, I'm not"
comes back
I can feel it
I can feel it in the person sitting next to you
I can feel it in myself
it's like a piece of the world that's been chipped away
it's like a place where we can't go anymore
it's like a shrinking of the world
a reduction of freedom
That "you're beautiful" was an offer to expand the world
and that "no I'm not" shrunk it instead
I can feel the pain
in the person sitting next to me
hitting that wall
I can feel that tought
"... but it would be so much better if you could accept how beautiful you are ..."
going though their mind
And then we display the next picture
and it's a picture of that other person
And then it goes
"Ugh ... and you thought you were ugly ??? Ha ... look how ugly I am !"
"But no ... not at all ... you are beautiful on this ... not like me before"
More precise than clockwork.
----
Time after time
I heard it
and time after time
I felt the space around me disappearing
piece by piece
one "I'm ugly" at a time
Counless times
It's wearing me out
more and more
to accept reduced views of the world
and of humans
shrunked spaces
I don't know what to do
I don't know if there's even anything to do
I'll never stop sensing that beauty looking at you
The person sitting next to you will always feel it either
Until maybe there's too much distance created
Until maybe there's no space left to move at all
Until I can't breathe anymore at all
What can I do ?
Really ?
Telling you will not change that ...
Slapping you in the face until you stop saying you're ugly may get you to stop saying it. From sheer fear.
And you would still believe it.
Stopping listening to you would only create more distance.
Telling you
"oh you're absolutely right, you really are ugly"
would just be trying to validate a lie with a bigger one
Telling you
"you're just stupid to believe this about yourself"
would just be a verbal equivalent to a slapping
and it would validate that other lie you want cling so much to about yourself ...
Getting you to look at more of you than what makes you specifically different from a supposedly perfect standard ?
Expanding the universe around you ?
Sure ... that might work
But how could I get you to even consider looking at it, at who you fully are ?
Seeing the pictures will not do it ...
Hearing that you're beautiful will not do it ...
And we can't force anyone to look, can we ?
We can't force anyone to let go
What kind of catastrophe will be required ?
Do I want to be such a catastrophe ?
So
in the end
all I can do it keep telling you how beautiful you look
all I can do is keep making pictures of you
all I can do is keep hearing you telling me how not beautiful you are
and
all I can do is to keep creating a little more space
faster and with more energy than what is taken away
all I can do is to keep breathing while
there is space left
and enjoy it
60/365 Shrinking space
"Ugh... I look ugly !"
It happens almost every time
And the response is almost invariably
"What ??? Not at all ! You're wrong ! You look beautiful"
Then it comes back, as invariably
"No... I'm not. I'm ugly."
I don't know how many variations of this dialogue I have heard
For more than 25 years now
It's wearing me out
Two people look at pictures of themselves
One of them makes a very negative comment
not about the picture
they always insist it's not about the picture itself
it's about themselves
It's about that thing in themselves that they don't like
the shape of their nose
their smile that looks stupid
that their hair looks too curly
or too straight
that their arm is too fat
that their legs look too short
this darker spot in their eyes
their teeth which are too dark
that ... whatever
you name it
anything goes for this purpose
"The picture is fine ...
it's just me..."
They know exactly what they don't like in themselves
they know it without having to look at the picture
the picture is just an additional proof they can point at
an additional element they can add to the scale, to make it tilt a little more toward the side they have long chosen
They point at that thing in them that
they know it
other people will not like
that makes them deviate from some ideal
that they have to be
they know it
to be liked by others
They know it
for sure
it's obvious
they can see the thoughts in the mind of others
focusing on that oh-so-imperfect part of themselves
and turning away
rejecting them
Except of course
no one
but themselves
finds this supposedly imperfect thing to be a motive for rejection
Especially not the person sitting aside
and who came to be photographed along
"What ??? no... you're just beautiful here... "
Like clockwork.
You might want to believe that they were looking for reassurance,
that even though they are imperfect, they will still be liked
appreciated, loved...
But in more than twenty five years of witnessing this happening
I've seen every single reassurance attempt crash and burn.
No one accepts them. Ever.
"No... I'm ugly"
Such a nicely tuned clockwork.
"I'm telling you, you're beautiful !"
"No, I'm not"
...
...
A freakishly precise clockwork.
And most of what others say as a response
is not even a reassurance attempt, really
They do find them beautiful
you can hear it in their voice
in their intonation
they are sincere
And each time that "no, I'm not beautiful" comes back
... I can feel it
it's a rejection of what we have in our heart
when we say that you're beautiful
and we feel it
it's a little more distance added between us
it's an occation to get closer
that is pushed back
of course this is not how you see it when you say that
you really believe that you're not beautiful
you really believe that we think that what you perceive as an imperfection will push us away
you're as sincere
but it's a sincerity
that is based on having your eyes closed
except on this supposed defect of yours
a sincerity that thrives on ignoring everything that we see when we look at you and we see you whole
still, it feels like honest sincerity to you
doesn't it ?
So I could try to reassure you
and the person sitting next to you could try to reassure you
and it will not work
and you will cling on that defect of yours
and maintain that you're ugly.
It's as if this defect had become your own definition or yourself
something you spent so much time and energy absorbing
until you believed that it is the reason that you could not be liked
loved
that you can't let it go
and just listen
to what we say
"you're beautiful"
And each time that
"No, I'm not"
comes back
I can feel it
I can feel it in the person sitting next to you
I can feel it in myself
it's like a piece of the world that's been chipped away
it's like a place where we can't go anymore
it's like a shrinking of the world
a reduction of freedom
That "you're beautiful" was an offer to expand the world
and that "no I'm not" shrunk it instead
I can feel the pain
in the person sitting next to me
hitting that wall
I can feel that tought
"... but it would be so much better if you could accept how beautiful you are ..."
going though their mind
And then we display the next picture
and it's a picture of that other person
And then it goes
"Ugh ... and you thought you were ugly ??? Ha ... look how ugly I am !"
"But no ... not at all ... you are beautiful on this ... not like me before"
More precise than clockwork.
----
Time after time
I heard it
and time after time
I felt the space around me disappearing
piece by piece
one "I'm ugly" at a time
Counless times
It's wearing me out
more and more
to accept reduced views of the world
and of humans
shrunked spaces
I don't know what to do
I don't know if there's even anything to do
I'll never stop sensing that beauty looking at you
The person sitting next to you will always feel it either
Until maybe there's too much distance created
Until maybe there's no space left to move at all
Until I can't breathe anymore at all
What can I do ?
Really ?
Telling you will not change that ...
Slapping you in the face until you stop saying you're ugly may get you to stop saying it. From sheer fear.
And you would still believe it.
Stopping listening to you would only create more distance.
Telling you
"oh you're absolutely right, you really are ugly"
would just be trying to validate a lie with a bigger one
Telling you
"you're just stupid to believe this about yourself"
would just be a verbal equivalent to a slapping
and it would validate that other lie you want cling so much to about yourself ...
Getting you to look at more of you than what makes you specifically different from a supposedly perfect standard ?
Expanding the universe around you ?
Sure ... that might work
But how could I get you to even consider looking at it, at who you fully are ?
Seeing the pictures will not do it ...
Hearing that you're beautiful will not do it ...
And we can't force anyone to look, can we ?
We can't force anyone to let go
What kind of catastrophe will be required ?
Do I want to be such a catastrophe ?
So
in the end
all I can do it keep telling you how beautiful you look
all I can do is keep making pictures of you
all I can do is keep hearing you telling me how not beautiful you are
and
all I can do is to keep creating a little more space
faster and with more energy than what is taken away
all I can do is to keep breathing while
there is space left
and enjoy it