Lets Talk
www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNwgozJ_qAc
It is September which means it is suicide prevention month. I wanted to do something for this month and at first, I thought it was going to be a simple picture but... The past few weeks I have had an urge to share my story and it's not going away. People are still afraid to talk about their own depression and it is still considered a taboo subject, but that is changing. I don't know how detailed I will be, so I am putting in a TRIGGER WARNING just in case. If this subject is a trigger for you then please don't read any further. I will have links for help down at the bottom. I would also like to add that there will be LOTS... I mean lots of grammar and spelling mistakes. My spelling is that bad. lol
The only diagnosis for depression that I ever had was long term depression through my teen years. When I was in second grade my parents got a divorce and I ended up moving to a town close by and started going to a new school. for whatever reason, the kids in my class considered me an outsider and I struggled with bullying and ostersisism through my school days. my school days are a blur to me, but it set the foundation on how I viewed myself and what effects it had with any future relationships. there was a number of years which I stayed in my room most of the time with books being my friends. I would get lost in the stories and time would pass. Things got a little easier once in high school I started making a friend or two, and after school I finally made some close friends who helped me gain a personality.
through all those years no matter how depressed I was I could count on my mom to listen to me and be there. my relationship with my mother was very close. I stayed with here up until she passed away some years back. I was a hairstylist for ten years and decided that I needed to go back to school for a better education. I didn't know what I wanted to do but decided on computer networking to open doors for me as a currier. I started taking classes at the community college close by and was going slow but had decent grades. one day my mom comes to me and tells me she is bleeding (vaginally) I had three nurses in the family. two older sisters and my mom. I knew what it meant that she was bleeding. the next two years will forever be etched in my mind. she was diagnosed with endometrial cancer, and it was at, I believe, stage two. She had surgery and a round of radiation. there was 4% chance that it would come back.... 4%. We barely had enough time to breath and relax until we found out that it did come back, and it was moving fast. she started out her chemo treatments and I the non-nurse was her main care giver. My mom... she couldn't accept her fate. she was full of fear and no matter how I tried to ease it... you can't ever make it go away, but I spent my days with her on the couch watching the shows she liked, I took up reading her a few pages of the bible every night, I made calls for a priest to visit once a week, (we are a catholic family) Took her to her appointments, stayed at the hospital with her, gave her meds, made sure she was as comfortable as possible and try to find things she would eat. there was good days and bad days. later on, the bad days outnumbered the good. I slowly watched the cancer take over my mom's body. people told me that I did a good job taking care of her. I had the doctor praise me, but I couldn't take the cancer away, I couldn't even take her fear away. My mom was my whole world, and I was in the middle of losing her. I did what I could for self-care, I spent moments relaxing at Starbucks when I could. at night while she rested, I lost my mind in Korean music and Korean dramas. I honestly don't know why it was that entertainment that helped me. probably because it was something new and honestly Korean dramas were kind of like books put to screens. They are only so many episodes long and didn't drag on like season after season of western shows.
My mom battled for two years before she lost her fight. family was in the room with her. we had hospice come in for the last few weeks. I remember sitting down on the ground at the foot of the bed keeping my eyes closed until I heard her last breath. At first, I felt relief. She was no longer in pain, then I felt tired. so very tired. I don't know how long I slept after she passed but it was the first real sleep, I had for two years. after that my new life began with a huge hole and the world turn to shades of grey.
I lived my whole life with my mom but now my whole world changed. I couldn't keep the place I was at. I could not afford the payments. My oldest sister, was dealing with her own grief and had the responsibility of mom's funeral and taking care of her assets. unfortunately, I couldn't help much because a lot of the legal work was over my head. I internalized my grief a lot and was afraid of where I was going to live. At the time, I was only part time at Walmart. I never did finish school for computer networking. I ended up moving in with someone I got reacquainted with from high school. I felt like I was in a desperate situation and this person was kind of pushing me to move out of my mom's house quickly. This move caused a bigger problem between my oldest sister and myself. During this time, I realized why people end their lives. I never took action to ending my life. I would like to make that clear, but I had a lot of thoughts that I would love to just disappear. I didn't want to be on this earth anymore. My mom was gone, my siblings kind of fell away, I closed in on myself not wanting to add to their grief, I was isolated by a woman who ended up being very toxic. while I lived with her and her husband and son, I picked up a second job in the mornings at a fast-food place. I ended up doing a few hours of dive work and cleaning up the lobby. after that, most days I would double up with my Walmart job. I looked forward to working both jobs most days. it meant more time at work and less time at a house I was never comfortable in. I spent my days waking up, going to work, coming back late at night hoping the house would be quiet and most times it was not. I would sit in what would become my spot and be a captured audience for a woman who honestly was not mentally healthy and waited until she decided it was ok for me to go to bed. On my days off, I would wake and usually be stuck in my spot most of the day listening to her stories and complaints. sometimes I would be degraded for hours on end for whatever wrong I committed that day. I spent a year in that house before I moved out. during that winter, I lost count how many times I ended up in a ditch because of slippery roads. Even though I did not attempt suicide, I was stupid in some of my actions. winter driving was one. I still white knuckle my grip on the steering wheel these days if there is any snowfall to cover the roads. After a year of living there, I finally moved out. the first night laying on my mattress on the floor, boxes all around me in my own space felt AMAZING. The problem was that I felt like I still owed this woman in being her friend. after all she did take me in. no matter how I was treated. I tried really hard to remain friends, but it was like being friends with a drunk, or drug addict. she had a picture in her head on how I should be and act and if I didn't fit her picture of me, then I was in the wrong. I wasn't a mind reader so I will forever be in the wrong. I came to realize that I was holding on to nothing. what is the use of being friends with someone that only sees your "wrongs". I finally grew a spine and ended that chapter of my life.
my Days and nights consisted of me going to my jobs and coming home just to wake up for the next day of work. for years I existed in life doing only what I had to do for day-to-day life. This became my normal. I got used to my normal. really quite comfortable in it... the pandemic came. I have a really good friend that I have known for many years. We met in Second Life before there were any such things as mesh. The very first thing I did with the first stimulus check I received was run out and buy a gaming computer that could handle second life and bam! inworld we became brother and sister. we make a good brother and sister the way we bicker all the time lol. So now here I am spending my downtime in Second Life with an online family that I absolutely adore but I am a quiet member. It is hard for me to keep up conversation when my SL brother is not around, and the silence becomes awkward. At some point, I don't quite remember but I think there was a time where he was busy with other things, so we hung out a little less. I have started making noises that I felt wrong. I came to realize that I got so used to my depression that I forgot it was there and it was just a part of me, but I was starting to notice it again and as days passed the feeling of wrongness became suffocating.
I am supper good at running away from any sexual intimacy that comes my way. I don't know how many times I ghosted someone that wanted to get frisky, and I freaked out. (remember earlier where I said my school days set the foundation on how I looked at myself?) social anxiety to the max with any intimacy. that type of relationship was a no go for me, but I was damn lonely. so here is me in a downward spiral of depression and loneliness... a great time to look for new friends. I found one! it was exactly at the worst time in my sl life. Things were great in the beginning, we got along so well at first. it was like we were twins. I introduced her to my family and bam... I got another um... brother. I know. I am not using the right pronouns now, am I? sorry. It is hard for me to talk about this last part. It was textbook toxic. some love bombing in the beginning then isolation from any friends I had online. anytime I had access to the internet we communicated back and forth. surprised that I didn't get written up at work for being on my phone. only defense I can say for myself was that I was an easy target. I also blinded myself to any red flags that came my way. My world was so mixed up in hers that what should have been crazy became not so crazy. I did some stupid ass things to prove friendship. and I have a dear friend that I turned my back on... along with the rest of the fam. Then one day after a downward spiral of her own, she decides that I was never her friend and I learned just about everything she told me, every reason I made stupid ass choices for her was a lie. I turned my back on people that loved me, I put my job at risk, I made myself look bad publicly, and made friends with a lie. I remember standing there with the phone in my hand with the past so many months going through my head and it felt like waking up from a dream... and I felt so completely alone. I almost dropped my account on second life and started fresh, but I had a good person to talk to that convinced me not to and I am glad that I didn't. It is better to learn and grow instead of hiding, and you know what it took for me to get my family back??? one single post of a simple "I screwed up and I'm sorry." my family along with my brother who I KNOW I hurt just waited for me to wake up. It took me time to understand how I came to that place. I need to understand so I don't make the same mistake because the one thing I refuse to do is make the same mistake.
ok. I got my family back; I patched up my friendship of my dear friend of over ten years. life has gotten back to my normal and my depression has once again taken a back seat. The one thing I didn't talk about was my health. I had female problems for a few years. they got worse and worse. didn't go to the doc. remember how much life mattered to me. Going to the doc meant time off of work that I can't afford, it meant bills I can't pay. it meant dealing with the collection agency and so I kept putting off my health and it kept getting worse. I kept getting lower and lower in blood but hey, crunching ice never tasted so good. (pagophagia) the breaking point was when I was at work sitting in the bathroom unable to get up because I was bleeding that heavy. It took an hour of me sitting there until I caved in and had the ambulance come. my hemoglobin was down to 5.2. organs start shutting down at 5. I had a blood transfusion and three more after that before I made it to surgery. I had a total of 9 units of blood that was not mine in my system. I ended up with a very good doctor that took on my case. I had a complete hysterectomy. by the time I seen the doctor, I had multiple fibroids, a uterus the size of a bowling ball, a cist on one of my ovaries and yes, the start of cancer. stage 1. you know that sometimes bad things can bring good things in your life? during this I started talking to a sister that I have not talked to in years. She is one of the nurses in the family. her and my brother-in-law (another nurse) were my care givers while I recovered, and I can honestly say I was never treated so well in my life. They even made sure I had the best foods to eat for healing! this all happened through this past winter and something in me has changed in that time. my sister and I are becoming close again and finding things that we share a love of. It is because of her that I started paint pouring and now I am getting into wire wrapping. I want to continue with painting and see how far I go. I have another painting I need to do and three pendants I need to make for paying customers which just blows my mind because I'm so new at it. I'm starting to feel a little self-worth and purpose back in my life. my world is still mostly grey, but I am seeing splashes of color.
The hardest fight a person has in their life is when they have to fight themselves. there are people that have it much worse than me that live on day by day and people you think that has everything given to them and one day... they disappear. I don't know exactly what my story is supposed to be. maybe just showing people they are not alone and it's ok to speak out. sometimes all a person needs are to know that they are not alone. I'm still struggling with depression... and I'm still damn good at running away from you crazy flirts out there but I won't stop fighting.
Links for help if anyone is struggling.
Lets Talk
www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNwgozJ_qAc
It is September which means it is suicide prevention month. I wanted to do something for this month and at first, I thought it was going to be a simple picture but... The past few weeks I have had an urge to share my story and it's not going away. People are still afraid to talk about their own depression and it is still considered a taboo subject, but that is changing. I don't know how detailed I will be, so I am putting in a TRIGGER WARNING just in case. If this subject is a trigger for you then please don't read any further. I will have links for help down at the bottom. I would also like to add that there will be LOTS... I mean lots of grammar and spelling mistakes. My spelling is that bad. lol
The only diagnosis for depression that I ever had was long term depression through my teen years. When I was in second grade my parents got a divorce and I ended up moving to a town close by and started going to a new school. for whatever reason, the kids in my class considered me an outsider and I struggled with bullying and ostersisism through my school days. my school days are a blur to me, but it set the foundation on how I viewed myself and what effects it had with any future relationships. there was a number of years which I stayed in my room most of the time with books being my friends. I would get lost in the stories and time would pass. Things got a little easier once in high school I started making a friend or two, and after school I finally made some close friends who helped me gain a personality.
through all those years no matter how depressed I was I could count on my mom to listen to me and be there. my relationship with my mother was very close. I stayed with here up until she passed away some years back. I was a hairstylist for ten years and decided that I needed to go back to school for a better education. I didn't know what I wanted to do but decided on computer networking to open doors for me as a currier. I started taking classes at the community college close by and was going slow but had decent grades. one day my mom comes to me and tells me she is bleeding (vaginally) I had three nurses in the family. two older sisters and my mom. I knew what it meant that she was bleeding. the next two years will forever be etched in my mind. she was diagnosed with endometrial cancer, and it was at, I believe, stage two. She had surgery and a round of radiation. there was 4% chance that it would come back.... 4%. We barely had enough time to breath and relax until we found out that it did come back, and it was moving fast. she started out her chemo treatments and I the non-nurse was her main care giver. My mom... she couldn't accept her fate. she was full of fear and no matter how I tried to ease it... you can't ever make it go away, but I spent my days with her on the couch watching the shows she liked, I took up reading her a few pages of the bible every night, I made calls for a priest to visit once a week, (we are a catholic family) Took her to her appointments, stayed at the hospital with her, gave her meds, made sure she was as comfortable as possible and try to find things she would eat. there was good days and bad days. later on, the bad days outnumbered the good. I slowly watched the cancer take over my mom's body. people told me that I did a good job taking care of her. I had the doctor praise me, but I couldn't take the cancer away, I couldn't even take her fear away. My mom was my whole world, and I was in the middle of losing her. I did what I could for self-care, I spent moments relaxing at Starbucks when I could. at night while she rested, I lost my mind in Korean music and Korean dramas. I honestly don't know why it was that entertainment that helped me. probably because it was something new and honestly Korean dramas were kind of like books put to screens. They are only so many episodes long and didn't drag on like season after season of western shows.
My mom battled for two years before she lost her fight. family was in the room with her. we had hospice come in for the last few weeks. I remember sitting down on the ground at the foot of the bed keeping my eyes closed until I heard her last breath. At first, I felt relief. She was no longer in pain, then I felt tired. so very tired. I don't know how long I slept after she passed but it was the first real sleep, I had for two years. after that my new life began with a huge hole and the world turn to shades of grey.
I lived my whole life with my mom but now my whole world changed. I couldn't keep the place I was at. I could not afford the payments. My oldest sister, was dealing with her own grief and had the responsibility of mom's funeral and taking care of her assets. unfortunately, I couldn't help much because a lot of the legal work was over my head. I internalized my grief a lot and was afraid of where I was going to live. At the time, I was only part time at Walmart. I never did finish school for computer networking. I ended up moving in with someone I got reacquainted with from high school. I felt like I was in a desperate situation and this person was kind of pushing me to move out of my mom's house quickly. This move caused a bigger problem between my oldest sister and myself. During this time, I realized why people end their lives. I never took action to ending my life. I would like to make that clear, but I had a lot of thoughts that I would love to just disappear. I didn't want to be on this earth anymore. My mom was gone, my siblings kind of fell away, I closed in on myself not wanting to add to their grief, I was isolated by a woman who ended up being very toxic. while I lived with her and her husband and son, I picked up a second job in the mornings at a fast-food place. I ended up doing a few hours of dive work and cleaning up the lobby. after that, most days I would double up with my Walmart job. I looked forward to working both jobs most days. it meant more time at work and less time at a house I was never comfortable in. I spent my days waking up, going to work, coming back late at night hoping the house would be quiet and most times it was not. I would sit in what would become my spot and be a captured audience for a woman who honestly was not mentally healthy and waited until she decided it was ok for me to go to bed. On my days off, I would wake and usually be stuck in my spot most of the day listening to her stories and complaints. sometimes I would be degraded for hours on end for whatever wrong I committed that day. I spent a year in that house before I moved out. during that winter, I lost count how many times I ended up in a ditch because of slippery roads. Even though I did not attempt suicide, I was stupid in some of my actions. winter driving was one. I still white knuckle my grip on the steering wheel these days if there is any snowfall to cover the roads. After a year of living there, I finally moved out. the first night laying on my mattress on the floor, boxes all around me in my own space felt AMAZING. The problem was that I felt like I still owed this woman in being her friend. after all she did take me in. no matter how I was treated. I tried really hard to remain friends, but it was like being friends with a drunk, or drug addict. she had a picture in her head on how I should be and act and if I didn't fit her picture of me, then I was in the wrong. I wasn't a mind reader so I will forever be in the wrong. I came to realize that I was holding on to nothing. what is the use of being friends with someone that only sees your "wrongs". I finally grew a spine and ended that chapter of my life.
my Days and nights consisted of me going to my jobs and coming home just to wake up for the next day of work. for years I existed in life doing only what I had to do for day-to-day life. This became my normal. I got used to my normal. really quite comfortable in it... the pandemic came. I have a really good friend that I have known for many years. We met in Second Life before there were any such things as mesh. The very first thing I did with the first stimulus check I received was run out and buy a gaming computer that could handle second life and bam! inworld we became brother and sister. we make a good brother and sister the way we bicker all the time lol. So now here I am spending my downtime in Second Life with an online family that I absolutely adore but I am a quiet member. It is hard for me to keep up conversation when my SL brother is not around, and the silence becomes awkward. At some point, I don't quite remember but I think there was a time where he was busy with other things, so we hung out a little less. I have started making noises that I felt wrong. I came to realize that I got so used to my depression that I forgot it was there and it was just a part of me, but I was starting to notice it again and as days passed the feeling of wrongness became suffocating.
I am supper good at running away from any sexual intimacy that comes my way. I don't know how many times I ghosted someone that wanted to get frisky, and I freaked out. (remember earlier where I said my school days set the foundation on how I looked at myself?) social anxiety to the max with any intimacy. that type of relationship was a no go for me, but I was damn lonely. so here is me in a downward spiral of depression and loneliness... a great time to look for new friends. I found one! it was exactly at the worst time in my sl life. Things were great in the beginning, we got along so well at first. it was like we were twins. I introduced her to my family and bam... I got another um... brother. I know. I am not using the right pronouns now, am I? sorry. It is hard for me to talk about this last part. It was textbook toxic. some love bombing in the beginning then isolation from any friends I had online. anytime I had access to the internet we communicated back and forth. surprised that I didn't get written up at work for being on my phone. only defense I can say for myself was that I was an easy target. I also blinded myself to any red flags that came my way. My world was so mixed up in hers that what should have been crazy became not so crazy. I did some stupid ass things to prove friendship. and I have a dear friend that I turned my back on... along with the rest of the fam. Then one day after a downward spiral of her own, she decides that I was never her friend and I learned just about everything she told me, every reason I made stupid ass choices for her was a lie. I turned my back on people that loved me, I put my job at risk, I made myself look bad publicly, and made friends with a lie. I remember standing there with the phone in my hand with the past so many months going through my head and it felt like waking up from a dream... and I felt so completely alone. I almost dropped my account on second life and started fresh, but I had a good person to talk to that convinced me not to and I am glad that I didn't. It is better to learn and grow instead of hiding, and you know what it took for me to get my family back??? one single post of a simple "I screwed up and I'm sorry." my family along with my brother who I KNOW I hurt just waited for me to wake up. It took me time to understand how I came to that place. I need to understand so I don't make the same mistake because the one thing I refuse to do is make the same mistake.
ok. I got my family back; I patched up my friendship of my dear friend of over ten years. life has gotten back to my normal and my depression has once again taken a back seat. The one thing I didn't talk about was my health. I had female problems for a few years. they got worse and worse. didn't go to the doc. remember how much life mattered to me. Going to the doc meant time off of work that I can't afford, it meant bills I can't pay. it meant dealing with the collection agency and so I kept putting off my health and it kept getting worse. I kept getting lower and lower in blood but hey, crunching ice never tasted so good. (pagophagia) the breaking point was when I was at work sitting in the bathroom unable to get up because I was bleeding that heavy. It took an hour of me sitting there until I caved in and had the ambulance come. my hemoglobin was down to 5.2. organs start shutting down at 5. I had a blood transfusion and three more after that before I made it to surgery. I had a total of 9 units of blood that was not mine in my system. I ended up with a very good doctor that took on my case. I had a complete hysterectomy. by the time I seen the doctor, I had multiple fibroids, a uterus the size of a bowling ball, a cist on one of my ovaries and yes, the start of cancer. stage 1. you know that sometimes bad things can bring good things in your life? during this I started talking to a sister that I have not talked to in years. She is one of the nurses in the family. her and my brother-in-law (another nurse) were my care givers while I recovered, and I can honestly say I was never treated so well in my life. They even made sure I had the best foods to eat for healing! this all happened through this past winter and something in me has changed in that time. my sister and I are becoming close again and finding things that we share a love of. It is because of her that I started paint pouring and now I am getting into wire wrapping. I want to continue with painting and see how far I go. I have another painting I need to do and three pendants I need to make for paying customers which just blows my mind because I'm so new at it. I'm starting to feel a little self-worth and purpose back in my life. my world is still mostly grey, but I am seeing splashes of color.
The hardest fight a person has in their life is when they have to fight themselves. there are people that have it much worse than me that live on day by day and people you think that has everything given to them and one day... they disappear. I don't know exactly what my story is supposed to be. maybe just showing people they are not alone and it's ok to speak out. sometimes all a person needs are to know that they are not alone. I'm still struggling with depression... and I'm still damn good at running away from you crazy flirts out there but I won't stop fighting.
Links for help if anyone is struggling.