Coming Back Down

I think I'm coming down a bit from the high of the last week and a half, and since it was the highest I'd been in quite a while, I feel a bit nervous about the decent.

 

This morning kinda sucked, last night before I went to bed I planned out this super cute forest nymph like outfit to wear for a shoot later, and this morning I woke up a few hours before I had to leave for work so thought perfect time to get this done!

 

So I fired up my photo-taking browser, slapped on a few pieces of jewelry I thought would add to it, and was on marketplace looking for the right pose when a photographer I wanted to work with for over a month now messaged me. I was like oh shoot, maybe I'll finally get that photo shoot in I'd been wanting to do!

 

He wanted to pop over to meet me, so I tped him, he went afk for a few but then we talked for a few minutes and then he starts mentioning a shoot he has in mind and I'm thinking yay here we go! I ask him when he wants to do it and just as he's replying how about right now, my computer fried... Again... And of course, by the time I came back there wasn't enough time left, and once again I missed my shot.

 

Yesterday I was in this complex sim, this morning I was just in my lag-less skybox and the sobering reality hit me, it's not just sims, it's people's avatars that are gonna crash that thing too. Now keep in mind, I can load up firestorm on medium graphics and be fine mostly anywhere, but beyond just the bratty "but I don't wanna" part of me that gets annoyed at that, the specific reason it really bothers me is beyond just (trying) to be a model, I want to take pictures too, I've always been a photographer long before anything else, and since it seems so unbelievably hard to get photographers to want to work with me it sucks thinking I'm gonna crash every time I do this anywhere with any lag, or with anyone else in the photos unless they're snapping the shots.

 

So I admit, it's made me feel a bit deflated today. No problem's unfix-able, I know I need a new computer, but even if I'm not struggling right now it's not like I have "fuck you" money either, and computer's are expensive! Even though I try to act like I can hang with the nerds, I also have never actually tried replacing a damn motherboard before and that's intimidating, let alone even knowing how to choose one, or what to select in a CPU/GPU combo, and then I when I see how much those things cost I'm like yikes that's half the cost of a computer alone, what if I replace it only to figure out my graphics card is the problem? The whole thing gives me anxiety, so instead the voice in my head tells me to shell up, sit in a corner hugging my knees, and give up the whole silly dream all together and just shoot pictures alone in my self-made hellish looking locations like the loner I am.

 

So once again, I log in, post a photo, and ramble on like the people of flickr want to sit on the other end of a therapy session. Even knowing a few people do care, my lack of self confidence over the years still pushes me into these corners, telling me to isolate myself and my feelings and not to overload any one person I know.

 

A few years ago while going for a walk during a break at work, I was venting to my co-worker who I considered my best friend at the time, someone I'd known over 5 years, just sighed and told me pretty bluntly "Nobody likes to hear about bad or sad things, people like to hear about happy times and things." That's stuck with me ever since, even if she didn't, and was basically the icing on the cake of a life long of friendships that have faded over time and for almost five years since then had pretty much convinced me to keep my feelings to myself, especially if they were "bad or sad" ones. I've never had a therapist, does everyone these days just pay someone to care? I always let my friends vent to me, but to this day I still don't feel truly comfortable doing the same anymore because maybe she was right. Maybe it's because I'm so honest and expressive that I exhaust people. Without meaning to have I turned my flickr into just another place for people to sigh as I ramble on into the void?

 

Was supposed to meet up with an old friend of mine in the real world yesterday too, I figured she'd probably call off but she suggested it so I thought why not? Sure enough an hour before it was time, something came up. Even when you're expecting to be stung it doesn't make the sting hurt that much less. Been over three years since I saw any of my friends, before my kid was born, I'm used to it. Times change, people change, I've changed, it just gets lonely sometimes.

 

How long until the same people who wanted to be my friend in the last week or two decide eh, maybe I bit off more than I wanted to chew? And likewise, how many times do I need to see people drive down the street of my life and make a U turn before I figure out maybe the consistency of that happening means there's something seriously wrong about the destination? Maybe it's not them, it's me.

 

And then the scariest question of all. If I know all this, and I haven't changed, can I? If that means not being the real me, do I actually want to? Or would I rather just sit in the corner alone, again and again?

Done