The Sea Monster
Doom Patrol #24 - The Treachery of Images (Part 6)
Niles Caulder, as we all should know by now, is not a firm believer in God. Any sort of God, for that matter. Nor does he believe in any kind of afterlife – be that heaven, hell, purgatory, or anything else in between. But time can do strange things to even the greatest of men, and doubt is a dangerous tool – one that’s power is greatly outweighed by its convenience to wield. As he slumps down into his moth-eaten armchair, still picking at a frayed patch of fabric on its armrest, and gazes out into the soon to be full studio auditorium, he considers his next best course of action with cautious deliberation. He decides that he is willing to either: believe this is in fact hell, call it a day and accept his ultimate fate. Or, believe that there perhaps is a God, and if so request that he drops by sometime so he can ask him why this sort of chicanery is allowed to continue and if he’d be so kind as to stop it.
He lets out a deep sigh and wonders how he could ever possibly believe either of these options to be the truth. That bloody Eric Morden.
Suddenly a welcome but unwanted noise fills the air, and Niles stares out contemptuously as the make-believe audience materialize to watch his make-believe life in this make-believe prison that’s come to be his home. He sinks deeper into his chair and grits his teeth. His theme music plays to rapturous applause and seconds later there comes a sudden but fully expected knock at the door.
Niles: Sod off. I’m not in the mood.
The audience chuckle away as the door swings open.
Dubrovny: Ding dong! Dubrovny here!
Dubrovny saunters onto the set, mercifully sans saxophone. The audience perform their usual, monotonous clapping routine as Dubrovny settles himself by the armchair and beams at Niles.
Dubrovny: Morning Niles! How are we this fine day?
Niles: I was just thinking how much I would enjoy it if you were to be impaled.
Dubrovny: Oh dear, that’s no fun! What’s got you in a grump?
Niles grimaces and pinches his nose. He remains silent.
Dubrovny: Come on now, you can tell little old me.
Dubrovny leans into Niles with a disgustingly pleasant smile on his face. Niles looks him dead in the eyes, brow firmly furrowed.
Niles: How long have I been here?
Dubrovny frowns and chuckles to himself. Niles looks out at the audience and notices barely any of them are smiling. Good, let them be annoyed.
Dubrovny: You don’t know?
Niles pulls his gaze away from the bored, watching faces and stares at Dubrovny.
Niles: Obviously not.
Dubrovny chuckles again and scratches his head.
Dubrovny: Well, I mean, a few days. Why?
Dubrovny notices Niles’ melancholy expression and bumps him on the shoulder with a playful fist.
Dubrovny: Come now, don’t be all down in the dumps! There’s so much happiness in the world. Look, watch this!
Dubrovny turns away from Niles, takes a few steps and trips himself over. The tiring audience break out into ecstatic laughter as Dubrovny pats himself down with a chuckle. The laughing fades and he goes back over to Niles.
Dubrovny: Never gets old, that one.
He shakes his head and smiles to himself.
Dubrovny: You know, if it makes you feel any better, I have actually been having a little trouble myself.
Niles: And how exactly would that make me feel any better?
Dubrovny ignores him and continues.
Dubrovny: Yes, trouble indeed. I trust you remember-
He winks at Niles.
Dubrovny: -My secret little project? The Atom-Ray?
Niles stares at him blankly for a few moments. Dubrovny nods excitedly at him like a demonic child.
Niles: Oh, I’m sorry. You were expecting an answer?
Dubrovny sighs.
Dubrovny: Come now Niles! There’s no need for all this hostility!
Niles is silent.
Dubrovny: I’ve been quite down in the dumps at the moment, and I have to be honest old chap, you really aren’t making me feel much better!
He crosses his arms in a huff and turns for the door. The audience let out a sigh of sympathy as Niles grimaces.
Niles: Wait.
Dubrovny pauses, hand on the doorknob, as an idea flashes across Niles’ mind.
Niles: What’s wrong with it?
Dubrovny slowly turns and unfolds his arms. He treads slowly back over to the couch and looks at Niles.
Dubrovny: Promise you’ll listen?
Niles discreetly grits his teeth.
Niles: I promise.
Dubrovny: Alrighty then.
Dubrovny squats down to Niles’ level and looks around suspiciously for listening ears. Niles notices the audience all leaning in excitedly and snorts quietly to himself as Dubrovny passes them over and takes a breath.
Dubrovny: Well, it’s… to be honest, it isn’t working.
Niles: Oh?
Dubrovny: I’ve got the helmet built, but when testing it I keep running into damn snags! Just yesterday it reduced next door’s dog into nothing more than a hunk of barbequed meat!
Niles: I wasn’t aware next door had a dog. Or that there was a next door, to be frank.
Dubrovny: Well they don’t have one anymore!
Niles strokes his beard in an attempt to hide a growing smile. He pretends to think for a while, gazing off into thin air, before looking over at Dubrovny.
Niles: Maybe I could have a look at it.
Dubrovny smiles excitedly.
Dubrovny: You would?
Niles: Oh, but of course!
He smiles insincerely.
Niles: Anything for the pursuit of science.
Dubrovny stands, hands on his hips. He takes a moment and sighs.
Dubrovny: Well, I don’t know.
Niles: I’m sorry?
Dubrovny: Well, it is a remarkably sensitive piece of equipment. I’d need you to promise you’ll be immensely careful.
Niles: Cross my heart.
He senses reluctance creeping over Dubrovny and leans in.
Niles: I’ll be ever so quick; you have my word. Just give it a quick once-over. You’ll be surprised what a fresh pair of eyes can do.
Dubrovny remains silent.
Niles: Jonathan, I will have it working wonders. Please, I insist.
Dubrovny: Well, if you insist…
He jumps to his feet and pats Niles excitedly on the shoulder.
Dubrovny: It’s a deal!
The audience break out into applause and Dubrovny squeals gleefully.
Dubrovny: I’ll pop it round tomorrow!
Niles drops his shoulders and sighs disappointedly.
Niles: And how long will that be?
Dubrovny: Haha! You do make me laugh, Caulder. Tomorrow morning, first thing!
Dubrovny turns on the spot with a new found energy and heads for the door.
Niles: Oh, one last thing.
Dubrovny turns.
Dubrovny: Yes?
Niles: You couldn’t be a lamb and bring that salt back, could you? All your talk of cod and chips the other day has got me feeling frightfully peckish.
Dubrovny: Of course my good man! Anything for my science-buddy!
And before Niles can say anything else, Dubrovny opens the door and disappears. The audience burst into their courteous applause that makes Niles’ face cringe and blood boil. Niles gives them one last look before the show finishes and smirks proudly to himself, as if every lightbulb in the room was a dirty joke only he could hear.
Niles: And you can all stop smiling, too.
Their clapping slows and they eye him suspiciously as the studio lights start to dim and the end music commences. Niles leans back in his chair, intertwines his fingers and smiles to himself, absorbed by an idea slowly blooming in his mind.
Doom Patrol #24 - The Treachery of Images (Part 6)
Niles Caulder, as we all should know by now, is not a firm believer in God. Any sort of God, for that matter. Nor does he believe in any kind of afterlife – be that heaven, hell, purgatory, or anything else in between. But time can do strange things to even the greatest of men, and doubt is a dangerous tool – one that’s power is greatly outweighed by its convenience to wield. As he slumps down into his moth-eaten armchair, still picking at a frayed patch of fabric on its armrest, and gazes out into the soon to be full studio auditorium, he considers his next best course of action with cautious deliberation. He decides that he is willing to either: believe this is in fact hell, call it a day and accept his ultimate fate. Or, believe that there perhaps is a God, and if so request that he drops by sometime so he can ask him why this sort of chicanery is allowed to continue and if he’d be so kind as to stop it.
He lets out a deep sigh and wonders how he could ever possibly believe either of these options to be the truth. That bloody Eric Morden.
Suddenly a welcome but unwanted noise fills the air, and Niles stares out contemptuously as the make-believe audience materialize to watch his make-believe life in this make-believe prison that’s come to be his home. He sinks deeper into his chair and grits his teeth. His theme music plays to rapturous applause and seconds later there comes a sudden but fully expected knock at the door.
Niles: Sod off. I’m not in the mood.
The audience chuckle away as the door swings open.
Dubrovny: Ding dong! Dubrovny here!
Dubrovny saunters onto the set, mercifully sans saxophone. The audience perform their usual, monotonous clapping routine as Dubrovny settles himself by the armchair and beams at Niles.
Dubrovny: Morning Niles! How are we this fine day?
Niles: I was just thinking how much I would enjoy it if you were to be impaled.
Dubrovny: Oh dear, that’s no fun! What’s got you in a grump?
Niles grimaces and pinches his nose. He remains silent.
Dubrovny: Come on now, you can tell little old me.
Dubrovny leans into Niles with a disgustingly pleasant smile on his face. Niles looks him dead in the eyes, brow firmly furrowed.
Niles: How long have I been here?
Dubrovny frowns and chuckles to himself. Niles looks out at the audience and notices barely any of them are smiling. Good, let them be annoyed.
Dubrovny: You don’t know?
Niles pulls his gaze away from the bored, watching faces and stares at Dubrovny.
Niles: Obviously not.
Dubrovny chuckles again and scratches his head.
Dubrovny: Well, I mean, a few days. Why?
Dubrovny notices Niles’ melancholy expression and bumps him on the shoulder with a playful fist.
Dubrovny: Come now, don’t be all down in the dumps! There’s so much happiness in the world. Look, watch this!
Dubrovny turns away from Niles, takes a few steps and trips himself over. The tiring audience break out into ecstatic laughter as Dubrovny pats himself down with a chuckle. The laughing fades and he goes back over to Niles.
Dubrovny: Never gets old, that one.
He shakes his head and smiles to himself.
Dubrovny: You know, if it makes you feel any better, I have actually been having a little trouble myself.
Niles: And how exactly would that make me feel any better?
Dubrovny ignores him and continues.
Dubrovny: Yes, trouble indeed. I trust you remember-
He winks at Niles.
Dubrovny: -My secret little project? The Atom-Ray?
Niles stares at him blankly for a few moments. Dubrovny nods excitedly at him like a demonic child.
Niles: Oh, I’m sorry. You were expecting an answer?
Dubrovny sighs.
Dubrovny: Come now Niles! There’s no need for all this hostility!
Niles is silent.
Dubrovny: I’ve been quite down in the dumps at the moment, and I have to be honest old chap, you really aren’t making me feel much better!
He crosses his arms in a huff and turns for the door. The audience let out a sigh of sympathy as Niles grimaces.
Niles: Wait.
Dubrovny pauses, hand on the doorknob, as an idea flashes across Niles’ mind.
Niles: What’s wrong with it?
Dubrovny slowly turns and unfolds his arms. He treads slowly back over to the couch and looks at Niles.
Dubrovny: Promise you’ll listen?
Niles discreetly grits his teeth.
Niles: I promise.
Dubrovny: Alrighty then.
Dubrovny squats down to Niles’ level and looks around suspiciously for listening ears. Niles notices the audience all leaning in excitedly and snorts quietly to himself as Dubrovny passes them over and takes a breath.
Dubrovny: Well, it’s… to be honest, it isn’t working.
Niles: Oh?
Dubrovny: I’ve got the helmet built, but when testing it I keep running into damn snags! Just yesterday it reduced next door’s dog into nothing more than a hunk of barbequed meat!
Niles: I wasn’t aware next door had a dog. Or that there was a next door, to be frank.
Dubrovny: Well they don’t have one anymore!
Niles strokes his beard in an attempt to hide a growing smile. He pretends to think for a while, gazing off into thin air, before looking over at Dubrovny.
Niles: Maybe I could have a look at it.
Dubrovny smiles excitedly.
Dubrovny: You would?
Niles: Oh, but of course!
He smiles insincerely.
Niles: Anything for the pursuit of science.
Dubrovny stands, hands on his hips. He takes a moment and sighs.
Dubrovny: Well, I don’t know.
Niles: I’m sorry?
Dubrovny: Well, it is a remarkably sensitive piece of equipment. I’d need you to promise you’ll be immensely careful.
Niles: Cross my heart.
He senses reluctance creeping over Dubrovny and leans in.
Niles: I’ll be ever so quick; you have my word. Just give it a quick once-over. You’ll be surprised what a fresh pair of eyes can do.
Dubrovny remains silent.
Niles: Jonathan, I will have it working wonders. Please, I insist.
Dubrovny: Well, if you insist…
He jumps to his feet and pats Niles excitedly on the shoulder.
Dubrovny: It’s a deal!
The audience break out into applause and Dubrovny squeals gleefully.
Dubrovny: I’ll pop it round tomorrow!
Niles drops his shoulders and sighs disappointedly.
Niles: And how long will that be?
Dubrovny: Haha! You do make me laugh, Caulder. Tomorrow morning, first thing!
Dubrovny turns on the spot with a new found energy and heads for the door.
Niles: Oh, one last thing.
Dubrovny turns.
Dubrovny: Yes?
Niles: You couldn’t be a lamb and bring that salt back, could you? All your talk of cod and chips the other day has got me feeling frightfully peckish.
Dubrovny: Of course my good man! Anything for my science-buddy!
And before Niles can say anything else, Dubrovny opens the door and disappears. The audience burst into their courteous applause that makes Niles’ face cringe and blood boil. Niles gives them one last look before the show finishes and smirks proudly to himself, as if every lightbulb in the room was a dirty joke only he could hear.
Niles: And you can all stop smiling, too.
Their clapping slows and they eye him suspiciously as the studio lights start to dim and the end music commences. Niles leans back in his chair, intertwines his fingers and smiles to himself, absorbed by an idea slowly blooming in his mind.