Doom Patrol #19 - The Treachery of Images (Part 1)

Niles jolts awake, his eyes opening to a darkness so absolute that he’s half convinced he’s gone blind. He takes a moment to calm himself, eyes adjusting to the oblivion around him, and notices unrecognisable shapes dotted around the space before him. He casts his mind back to how on earth he ended up here, but finds it causes a frightfully nasty headache and promptly gives up. He realises he’s sat on something, and after a few moments of wriggling around determines it to be an armchair. Before he can make any kind of assessment as to what this may mean, the sound of a heavy switch being pulled fills the air and he winces as a dazzling light illuminates the bleak darkness and sears his eyes.

 

After a few minutes, his eyes adjust to the newfound brightness, but if anything the sudden clarity only adds fresh questions to his mind.

 

Niles: What the blazes…

 

Niles finds himself sat in what would appear to be an old television set. Bright studio lights shine from high above him, lost in the industrial beams of the studio ceiling and disappearing into the shadows. In front of him, stretching up to the lights, are rows upon rows of empty seats, like some morbid abandoned theatre. A stretch of track runs along the floor before them, supporting a few large cameras that are all pointing his way. He cranes his neck to look around, and realises he’s sat in what would appear to be a living room, like something out of an old eighties sitcom. He spots a door, windows and mismatched furniture, but before he can take in any more details he’s filled with the sudden sensation of being watched. He turns his head away from the faux house and notices, rather alarmingly, that all the seats in the studio are now filled. An excitable hush falls over the audience as they realise Niles has spotted them, and one by one they quiet down and start to smile at him, sending a shiver down his spine. Niles’ mouth hangs open for a moment, his brain attempting to work in harmony with his mouth to begin an inquiry as to what the hell’s going on, but before he can so much as grunt a catchy tune fills the air and several disembodied voices start to sing:

 

 

~What are you up to, Niles Caulder?

Your legs are weak, but your spirit is bolder!

He’s the man behind, the Doom Patrol!

Turn off his brakes and watch him roll!

What are you up to Niles Caulder!?~

 

 

The crowd erupt into applause. Niles looks around, bewildered. He spots someone sat behind one of the cameras and points a finger at them.

 

Niles: You there, yes you! What the devil is going on?

 

The sound of canned laughter fills the air and the audience whoop and clap their hands. Niles frowns.

 

Niles: Something funny?

 

The audience laughs harder, some wiping tears from their eyes. Before Niles can say another word, there comes a knocking at the faux-house’s front door. The audience calm themselves as Niles turns to the source of the noise. The knocking comes again.

 

Niles: What?!

 

The door opens and into the house steps an old man with out of control grey hair, wearing some kind of 1950’s spacesuit paired with corduroy trousers. The audience burst into applause as the man closes the door, steps onto his mark and places his hands on his hips. He smiles at Niles as he waits for the applause to die down.

 

Niles: And what are you supposed to be?

 

A chuckle makes its way through the audience as the man’s smile widens.

 

Dubrovny: Name’s Dubrovny. Jonathan Dubrovny. Just thought I’d pop over to meet my new neighbour!

 

He steps forwards and extends a hand to Niles.

 

Dubrovny: It’s a pleasure to meet you, neighbour! I hear you’re a budding scientist quite like myself! I’m into molecular engineering, whatever that is! Ha!

 

Niles is dumbfounded. He looks to the man, then to the grinning audience, and decides life would probably be a lot simpler if he just shook the man’s hand.

 

Niles: Niles Caulder.

 

Dubrovny: Dash and blast! If you’re colder you should put on a jumper!

 

The audience burst into hysterics. Niles cringes.

 

Dubrovny: Haha, you must forgive me! My friends tell me I’ve a terrible sense of humour.

 

Niles: They sound like wise friends.

 

Dubrovny ignores him and continues on.

 

Dubrovny: They all call me Mister 103, after my fascination with the one hundred and three elements! I very much hope you’ll call me that, too. Although you may only want to do it… periodically!

 

The audience laugh again. Niles doesn’t wait for them to finish before replying.

 

Niles: There are one hundred and eighteen elements. I’d have thought a budding scientist would know that.

 

Dubrovny frowns. He lifts up a small keypad on his wrist, hits some of the keys at random and throws his head back in a laugh.

 

Dubrovny: So there are! You must forgive my ignorance, it’s been a while since I’ve perused the pages of the science journal. I guess you could say I’m a little out of my… element!

 

The audience are beside themselves with laughter. Niles puts his head in his hands and sighs.

 

Dubrovny: I can tell living next door to you is going to be most enlightening! One might say… elementary!

 

Niles: Is there a point to this?

 

The audience calm themselves as Dubrovny frowns, a little taken aback by Niles’ outburst.

 

Dubrovny: Oh, of course. You see, I’m working on a top-secret project, and wondered if you could help a fellow scientist out and lend me some fresh sodium chloride – that’s sa-

 

Niles: Salt, yes. I’m aware.

 

Dubrovny: Oh.

 

Niles: How on earth do you expect me to know if I have any salt?

 

Dubrovny: Umm… is that rhetorical?

 

Niles: Oh for heaven’s sake, just look in the kitchen!

 

Dubrovny grins and moves to the small kitchen set across from the lounge. The audience laugh as he throws open the cupboards and begins to empty them excitedly. Niles rubs his forehead and sighs as Dubrovny produces a small bottle and shakes it over his head excitedly.

 

Dubrovny: Found it!

 

He moves back to Niles, clutching the salt carefully against his chest.

 

Dubrovny: Well, that’ll be all for now. Unless you want to report me for… a-salt!

 

Niles: You can go.

 

Dubrovny: Okie dokie neighbour! I look forward to sharing my further scientific achievements with you!

 

Dubrovny turns on the spot and saunters out the front door. The audience applaud wildly as he exits, some whistling and waving frantically at him. Niles, exhausted, attempts to speak, but suddenly the lights dim and more music plays:

 

 

~That was all from, Niles Caulder!

We’ll see you next time when, we’re all a bit older!

Scientific fun, same time every day!

Grab all your things now, and be on your way!~

 

 

And just like that the audience are gone, leaving the set in the same eerie quiet from before. Niles looks around, not all that uncertain he may be dreaming the entire thing. He pinches himself of the arm and goes to wiggle his toes, finding them as unresponsive as they are in the waking world. He thinks for a moment, but is startled by the sound of a solitary clap coming from the audience.

 

Nobody: Oh, bravo! Bravo!

 

Eric Morden, or at least, what remains of Eric Morden, continues to clap as he makes his way through the rows of seats and down onto the studio floor.

 

Nobody: I was worried the humour was a little too below the belt, but the audience seemed to really love it, don’t you think?

 

Niles narrows his eyes and watches him silently.

 

Nobody: You were great, of course. But was there ever any doubt?

 

Niles adjusts himself in his armchair as Mister Nobody steps onto the set and smiles at Niles menacingly. Niles grits his teeth but maintains his composure.

 

Niles: It’s Eric Morden, isn’t it? What did you do with the others? Rita, Cliff, Larry?

 

Nobody: Oh don’t panic, they’re fine. I sent them straight back home like the children they are. They did me no wrong, after all…

 

Niles: And Brain and Mallah?

 

Nobody: Do not speak their names! They’re off on their own little adventure, one that’s none of your concern. I don’t imagine you’ll be seeing them again.

 

Mister Nobody grins and stretches his arms toward the roof of the studio. Niles takes in his appearance in the clear lights that surround them, noticing the freakish way his body manages to simultaneously exist and not exist at the same time.

 

Niles: What happened to you?

 

Nobody: You mean – what became of me after you so mercilessly had me tossed into that awful, awful machine? Honestly, I’m not too sure myself. But it does seem pretty groovy, doesn’t it?

 

Niles scowls.

 

Niles: You’re insane.

 

Nobody: Oh no, not that old shtick! That would be far too easy. God, what a cop out!

 

He grins.

 

Nobody: Maybe I just got a sneak peek behind the curtain at the backstage of reality...

 

Niles: Whatever it is, I’m not just some animal who will dance for your amusement, Morden. If you want me dead bloody well get it over with.

 

Nobody: Oh no no no! I don’t want to do that!

 

Niles: Then what is this? Keeping me prisoner in this… this… what even is this?

 

Niles looks around.

 

Niles: Some kind of… parallel void-space? Interdimensional pocket dimension? Non-Euclidian hellscape generated by-

 

Nobody: Eh ch ch ch! Just – go with it, okay? Quit it with the questions, Doc. Not everything needs an explanation!

 

Nobody takes a moment to compose himself then smiles.

 

Nobody: I call it – the White Space! Cool, huh? This is my dominion! A place where I can do whatever I please! And oh, I will. And please, less of the Morden. That man’s nothing any more. Quite literally, haha!

 

Mister Nobody throws his arms out wide and smiles.

 

Nobody: Take a look around, Caulder. All this is all my design. A place to crack you open like the clever little egghead you are!

 

Niles says nothing.

 

Nobody: And what better place to drown one’s sanity than the starring role in your very own sitcom, eh?

 

The smile on Mister Nobody’s face fades. He steps closer to Niles, leaning over him as threateningly as you can when you look like little more than an ink blot on the edge of a camera lens.

 

Nobody: Here’s the deal, Doctor C. You’re just too interesting to be left alone. You’re like a scab, that’s just asking to be picked. There’s more to Niles Caulder than meets the eye, and I would love to make its acquaintance. Why was Brain-

 

He spits on the floor.

 

Nobody: -so interested in you? Why do you hide away from the world in that decrepit old wreck you call a home? And just why do you insist on surrounding yourself with those kooky cats you call a family?

 

He pushes away from Niles and leaps around the set.

 

Nobody: All your burning questions answered, same Niles time, same Niles channel, on next week’s episode!

 

He laughs to himself and kicks his feet on the carpet. Niles watches him with combined anger and disgust.

 

Nobody: This is all here just to break you; to wear you down until I can go poking around in that big melon of yours and find out what makes you tick. I’ll get there eventually, but why not have a little fun on the way?

 

Niles sits forwards.

 

Niles: You think, for one moment, that this crude little display is going to make me tell you anything you want to know? You can try everything in your power, and it will still be insufficient enough to break me. So please, do your worse.

 

Nobody flinches.

 

Nobody: Maybe. But where’s the harm in trying?

 

Niles: You may soon find out.

 

There is silence for a few seconds as Mister Nobody processes Niles’ threat. Masking his unease, he smiles widely and claps his hands.

 

Nobody: Ooh!

 

He turns away from Niles before he can realise that his words have had some effect on him.

 

Nobody: This is where I leave you. I’ll be along again in a few… days, maybe? I don’t know, time doesn’t really work like that here. Play nicely, and try not to cause too much damage. And remember, if anyone offers, just say no.

 

He turns away from Niles and takes a few steps. Niles holds up a hand.

 

Niles: One more thing.

 

Nobody: Yes?

 

Niles: What the devil is the Doom Patrol?

 

Nobody: Oh, of course, I didn’t tell you! It’s what your little gang are calling themselves now. Groovy, huh?

 

But he gives Niles no time to reply. In the blink of an eye he’s gone, leaving Niles alone with his thoughts on the empty set, very much un-groovy.

Done