House of Misery

*I could not have been more disinterested with the plan Zodiac Master had concocted. Midway through dusting off my vintage poster collection, the homicidal astrologer barreled into my lair, recounting in an obsessive manner the last hour he had spent at the nearby supervillain bar. Immediately I knew his story to be conceived mostly by a bottle of booze.*

 

Myself: And this "Mr. Mxyzptlk", an interdimensional imp, was he?

 

Zodiac: I know you thinks I'm plastered, but seriously, I was just there for the pool tournament! This guy was refilling HIS drink by flicking his fingers! Now, you knows we don't get a whole lot of criminals with REAL powers in that joint, so I stuck around to see what his deal was...

 

Myself: ... And you were subsequently informed of his teleporting mansion filled with occult relics...

 

Zodiac (previously animated arms slump to his side): You know, Karlo, for an award-winning actor, you're not nearly as good at masking your skepticism as I would've thought.

 

Myself (bowing): My apologies are sincere, but my skepticism... Would you not consider it warranted, from my position?

 

Zodiac: Look, the point is, the magic tricks he was doing was real, so who's to say a flying house ain't? He said (grin forms on his face) somethin' about "Nabu". Know what that is?

 

Myself: Something of significance in your palm reading practice, I would imagine.

 

Zodiac (steamed): Palm reading is entirely seperate from astrology!.. (forcing composure) Never mind what Nabu is. Something you WILL understand is another resident of the "House of Mystery" Mxyzptlk let slip. You worked with Zatanna Zatara on a stage production once, right?

 

*Change of venue. Several hours later, in upstate Vermont. Slow vertical dolly shot revealing...

 

Zodiac: The House of Mystery, hidden in plain sight! Alright, Karlo, enter stage right or whatever, and do your thing.

 

Myself (stiffly): A favor, Zodiac, as you are not paying me in any other definitive way; refrain from theatrical terminology while in presence.

 

*Approaching the dilapidated structure, I shift forms into Zatanna.*

 

Myself (over my shoulder): And if you stare at my legs, I give you my word, I will pull yours off in short order.

 

*The entirety of the ordeal was unbearably belittling: Impersonating a performer (And I use the term lightly) whom was allied with my own rodent-of-a-nemesis, with no guarantee my skills as an actor would even be needed, were I to discover the premises vacant and suitable for Zodiac to enter. As... ahem... FATE would have it, I was not disappointed. An unkempt man was seated on a couch in the corner, thumbing through a paper.*

 

Zatanna: Hey. Just picking up some of my props for a show. I could use some help upstairs.

 

Man (without looking up): Thought you were the tidy one. In a rush, are we?

 

*I take a gambit on Zatanna's frequency of public appearances. As of late, I can't imagine she devotes much time to her pathetic magic performances, with her induction into the Justice Losers.*

 

Zatanna: The show must go on. Even on short notice.

 

Man: Strange, I thought tonight's was quite the occasion. You've been planning it for some time.

 

*Curses...*

 

Myself (contorting my malleable form across the room in an instant, I pull my knife on the seated figure): ZODIAC! Collect your trinket so I can dispose of this fool!

 

Man (still reading): Touchy, touchy. Don't much enjoy people finding your little trick out, do you? You should improve your trade before executing the plan, mate.

 

*Zodiac jogs in, barely acknowledging myself or my captive. He begins ransacking shelves, and knocking on walls to check for compartments.*

 

Myself (mock humility): You will have to excuse my less-than-adequate method acting, I knew Ms. Zatara for only a brief period. Perhaps you would care to reveal the shortcomings of my performance, before I severe your trachea, Mr...

 

Man: Constantine. And if you're going to follow through with stabbing me, you might want to brush up on your skills with repelling demons. You see I've absorbed a few recently, and they would love a nice laceration to escape through. I'd wager they're hungry by now, and you being a shapeshifter with multiple personalities, they'd think you a buffet.

 

Myself: Zodiac, if you do not hasten your search, I shall leave you alone with this freak without a second thought.

 

Zodiac (frantic, but optimistic): It has to be in here! It has to...

 

Constantine: Over there, mate. (gestures with a nod towards far wall, an extra compartment folding out of a bookshelf on cue)

 

*Zodiac immediately picks out a golden helmet with slitted eyes and a fin on the top.*

 

Myself: Is that what I've risked my wellbeing for?

 

Zodiac (smug): The Helmet of Fate, Karlo, is one of three items bestowed to Nabu, a distinguished Lord of Order of Egyptian lore. The bearer is privileged with knowledge of the future itself!

 

*I suddenly have more interest in Constantine's newspaper.*

 

Zodiac (continuing, despite my averted attention): No longer will I labour for the secrets of the universe! No more indefinite fortunes! I. AM. FATE! (places helmet over head) AAHAHAHAHHAHAHA-

 

Constantine (finally looking at me): You being a stage actor, you're partial to tragedies, yeah? Keep watching.

 

*A gravely voice booms through the creaking halls.*

 

Nabu: Who dares to voluntarily wear the Helmet of Fate?

 

Zodiac: I am known as the Zodiac Master.

 

Nabu: ... You... practice astrology...

 

Zodiac: Right-o, Nabby. And now I'm calling the sho-

 

Nabu: I'm... I'm sorry, one moment...

 

Zodiac: Eh...

 

Nabu: It's just (snort)... there's a slight... (heh)... That is to say... You... read (snort) constellations?..

 

Myself: Is it my imagination, or is the helmet... stifling a guffaw?

 

*Zodiac is clearly shaken, even under his new headgear. Before he can speak, the voice returns to it's original strength.*

 

Nabu: FOOL! I will show you fate!

 

Zodiac (clutches his skull): It's... not true... You can't tell me I'm not an Aquarius...

 

Nabu: LEARN THE TRUE WAYS OF FATE AND TREMBLE!

 

Zodiac (now writhing in a heap): NOOO! My inner-flower IS an orchid! ARRRRRG-

 

Myself: I believe I've seen how this feature concludes. Pardon my intrusion, Mr. Constantine. When my friend is done cooking, you might return him to his establishment in Gotham. I assume you wizards can all teleport.

 

*I exit.*

 

Constantine (returns to paper): Tossers.

Done