Not fun

This is a post i did on my blog. I thought I might share it here <3

 

Schizophrenia is not fun. I can say that right away. Many think I'm crazy. That's what I might be, but who's not. The best people are most often crazy .. I am a mix of Alice, Cheshire (the cat) and Mad hatter. I scratch myself and pull off my skin. I have cut my ear. I cut myself to get the beetles away from under my skin. I threw myself against the wall. I see beetles in the food. Schizophrenia steals from many. Their feelings, hobbies and really the ability to do as one wants.

 

This disease creates anxiety in the life of the one who has it. It feels like the whole world is against one. But on another side. So, many with Schizophrenia are creative, upbeat and life goes about as it should. Like me. I'm writing, writing down things I'm thinking about. I have thought to possibly create a book afterwards with my diagnoses as my focus and my paintings as a an aid. I think this can help a lot. I live in a world that is just mine. As I am now trying to share with you. I really hope you can understand my world with these posts I write. I am generally very afraid of being misunderstood. But you all have accepted me and understood me, no matter what I feel now. Something that gives me even more courage and motivation to write about this.

 

Although I feel good and feel things go my way. Then it's the days I feel I don't exist and I feel like shit. I get broken into pieces. I feel I should take a gun to my head and fire. I do not sometimes understand why I have to cope with all of this. I'm sorry. I give in to my anxiety occasionally. People leave me, people I care about. It's always the way it ends. I give my everything and more, but everyone leaves me for it. I give it all and that is not enough. I have to take calming all the time or break me together.

 

Sometimes I'm sweet like chocolate, but sometimes I'm a freak. Men all I'm all I'm just human.

Done