![Zodiac Master and the Sphincter-inverting Exorcism of Catman | by ]PUGMALION[](http://live.staticflickr.com/882/27182814518_7c8006bf8d.jpg)
]PUGMALION[
Zodiac Master and the Sphincter-inverting Exorcism of Catman
Catman- “I am really not sure about this Ted, I want him out but… Planet Master?”
Zodiac- “I don’t like this anymore than you do, but he’s the best I can afford on my salary!”
Catman- “But- Where Da Sisters At? -…okay, at this point I am willing to try anything.”
The mangy apartment door opens.
Planet Master: “Oh, hi buddy… where’s DeFarge?”
Zodiac: “He died.”
Planet Master: “What?”
Catman: “F***ing hell, when?”
Zodiac: “He got hit by a bus. Anyway, enough talking about the dead, we are here for the exorcism!”
Planet Master: “Now?”
Catman: “You said 9:00?”
Planet Master: “Yes, in the morning, its 2100 hours now!”
Zodiac: “There’s a 9:00 in the morning now? God damn millennials!”
Planet Master: “Come in, I’ll change into my exorcism outfit.”
Zodiac: “Okay, hold your breath coming in. If my theories are correct, then he has 2 dozen Ferrets and no indoor plumbing!... let’s go!”
The two run into the apartment, anticipating a loner’s hovel, but are instead greeted by a well decorated, nice looking and clean apartment.
Zodiac: “Oh my god!”
Catman: “It’s like what the CW thinks struggling working class accommodations look like!”
Planet Master: “Do you like the place?”
Planet Master walks into the room, wearing some open chested robe-or-other.
Catman: “Jesus Christ, he’s jacked!”
Planet Master: “Yeah, I got a membership at Deadshot’s gym!”
Zodiac: “Doesn’t that place cost $500 a month?
Planet Master: “Yep. Paired with the assassin business, Floyd is raking it in!”
Zodiac: “How can you afford that and this place… are you a prostitute, like some sort of male prostitute… one without a beard?”
Catman: “Wait, do you have a thing for bearded ladies?”
Zodiac: “Doesn’t everyone?”
An awkward silence fills the room…
Zodiac: “Ummmm… where was I?”
Planet Master: “Where I get my money?”
Zodiac: “YEP! That is all that has been said! How do you get your money, Norbert?”
Planet Masters: “Duh, being the world’s greatest exorcist! Ignore that Constantine Bastard, I am the real deal!”
Zodiac: “Yeah, sure you are buddy, can we please get this over with, I’m missing FOX’s ‘My Roommate is a perverted spirit living in my anus’ starring Clifford DeVoe.”
Catman: “I still think its bullshit that I didn’t get any royalties for that.”
Planet Master: “Right, over the phone I tasked you with bringing an item each. Ted, did you bring protection?”
Zodiac: “Yeppers”
He pulls a box of condoms out of his pocket.
Zodiac: “There’s only one in there. I wash it out after I use it.”
Planet Master: “I meant a weapon. Like a scimitar or a sock filled with rocks, lest the spirit turn violent.”
Catman: “Actually, knowing KoC, that may be the most appropriate weapon to bring.”
Planet Master: “Fine, Thomas, music? Keep in mind it has to be dark, eerie and messed up!”
Catman: “Yep, www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWwIyKOCrd8
Planet Master: “Jesus Christ, that is sick! Let’s get started. Catman, kneel down in the middle of the circle of salt with your anus out.”
Zodiac: “Kinky.”
Catman: “Only you would say that!”
Catman does as Norbert says, while he pulls out his ladybird book of exorcisms and makes a strange unnatural chant.
Planet Master: “Now this is the storya… all about howa… my life got flippeda… upside downa…”
Catman: “eurngh…”
Zodiac: “Ummmm… is this normal?”
Planet Master “Shut The F*** upa… no one asked youa…”
Zodiac: “What has happened to you *Sniff*?”
Catman: “Aaaaaaargh- Flabby and moist -AAAAAAAAAARGH!”
In an obscenely disgusting way, the spirit of KoC rips from Catman’s sphincter.
King of Cats: F*** her right in the P****, I’m free!!!!”
Planet Master (squinty eyed shouting as is typical during a ritual): “Zodiac, you see that duffel bag over there?”
Zodiac (squinty eyed shouting as is typical during a ritual): “Yep!”
Planet Master (squinty eyed shouting as is typical during a ritual): “That contains the sacrifice, into which we will put KoC’s soul!”
Zodiac runs towards the duffel bag, panting heavily for no apparent reason, and opens it up.
Rob Schneider: “Hi!”
Planet Master (squinty eyed shouting as is typical during a ritual): “That’s the sacrifice! Now expose his anus!”
Rob Schneider: “Woah, at least ask me on a date first!”
Zodiac (squinty eyed shouting as is typical during a ritual): “Shut up!”
He punches Schneider in the face, pulls his pants down and points it towards KoC’s spirit.
Planet Master(squinty eyed shouting as is typical during a ritual): “Lure the spirit towards the anus!”
Zodiac thinks for a moment: “Um… Karl, your sister is here!”
King of Cats: “Oooooooooooo!”
Without hesitation, King of Cats soars into Schneider’s butthole. The random green mood lighting that had emanated from Catman dissipates, and King of Cats, now in Rob Schneider’s body, rises.
King of Cats: “Hehehehehehe... by bitches!!!!!!!!!”
King of Cats runs devilishly out of the room, while Catman rises weakly to his feet.
Catman: “I feel like everyone who has skin to skin contact with Gar… *cough*.”
Planet Master (raspy from all the squinty eyed shouting as is typical during a ritual): “This ass is clean.”
Zodiac: “Right… well, I’ll get this little trooper out of here and…”
Planet Master: “Cross my palms with silver.”
Zodiac: “…say wut?”
Planet Master: “Cross my palms with silver!”
Zodiac: “…say wut, agai…”
Planet Master: “PAY ME!”
Zodiac: “You never mentioned that during that the phone call?”
Planet Master: “It was the first thing I mentioned! $300 dollars per grain of salt!”
Zodiac: “… … …they have $300 now? Damn millennials!”
Planet Master: “Pay me.”
Zodiac: “Do you accept gold teeth, big ears here has about twelve from angry sex with Huntress?”
Planet Master: “A couple of those will do nicely.”
Zodiac: “wunderbar! I’ll get some out now!“
Catman (weakly): “Wut… wut are we talking ‘bout?”
Zodiac Master and the Sphincter-inverting Exorcism of Catman
Catman- “I am really not sure about this Ted, I want him out but… Planet Master?”
Zodiac- “I don’t like this anymore than you do, but he’s the best I can afford on my salary!”
Catman- “But- Where Da Sisters At? -…okay, at this point I am willing to try anything.”
The mangy apartment door opens.
Planet Master: “Oh, hi buddy… where’s DeFarge?”
Zodiac: “He died.”
Planet Master: “What?”
Catman: “F***ing hell, when?”
Zodiac: “He got hit by a bus. Anyway, enough talking about the dead, we are here for the exorcism!”
Planet Master: “Now?”
Catman: “You said 9:00?”
Planet Master: “Yes, in the morning, its 2100 hours now!”
Zodiac: “There’s a 9:00 in the morning now? God damn millennials!”
Planet Master: “Come in, I’ll change into my exorcism outfit.”
Zodiac: “Okay, hold your breath coming in. If my theories are correct, then he has 2 dozen Ferrets and no indoor plumbing!... let’s go!”
The two run into the apartment, anticipating a loner’s hovel, but are instead greeted by a well decorated, nice looking and clean apartment.
Zodiac: “Oh my god!”
Catman: “It’s like what the CW thinks struggling working class accommodations look like!”
Planet Master: “Do you like the place?”
Planet Master walks into the room, wearing some open chested robe-or-other.
Catman: “Jesus Christ, he’s jacked!”
Planet Master: “Yeah, I got a membership at Deadshot’s gym!”
Zodiac: “Doesn’t that place cost $500 a month?
Planet Master: “Yep. Paired with the assassin business, Floyd is raking it in!”
Zodiac: “How can you afford that and this place… are you a prostitute, like some sort of male prostitute… one without a beard?”
Catman: “Wait, do you have a thing for bearded ladies?”
Zodiac: “Doesn’t everyone?”
An awkward silence fills the room…
Zodiac: “Ummmm… where was I?”
Planet Master: “Where I get my money?”
Zodiac: “YEP! That is all that has been said! How do you get your money, Norbert?”
Planet Masters: “Duh, being the world’s greatest exorcist! Ignore that Constantine Bastard, I am the real deal!”
Zodiac: “Yeah, sure you are buddy, can we please get this over with, I’m missing FOX’s ‘My Roommate is a perverted spirit living in my anus’ starring Clifford DeVoe.”
Catman: “I still think its bullshit that I didn’t get any royalties for that.”
Planet Master: “Right, over the phone I tasked you with bringing an item each. Ted, did you bring protection?”
Zodiac: “Yeppers”
He pulls a box of condoms out of his pocket.
Zodiac: “There’s only one in there. I wash it out after I use it.”
Planet Master: “I meant a weapon. Like a scimitar or a sock filled with rocks, lest the spirit turn violent.”
Catman: “Actually, knowing KoC, that may be the most appropriate weapon to bring.”
Planet Master: “Fine, Thomas, music? Keep in mind it has to be dark, eerie and messed up!”
Catman: “Yep, www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWwIyKOCrd8
Planet Master: “Jesus Christ, that is sick! Let’s get started. Catman, kneel down in the middle of the circle of salt with your anus out.”
Zodiac: “Kinky.”
Catman: “Only you would say that!”
Catman does as Norbert says, while he pulls out his ladybird book of exorcisms and makes a strange unnatural chant.
Planet Master: “Now this is the storya… all about howa… my life got flippeda… upside downa…”
Catman: “eurngh…”
Zodiac: “Ummmm… is this normal?”
Planet Master “Shut The F*** upa… no one asked youa…”
Zodiac: “What has happened to you *Sniff*?”
Catman: “Aaaaaaargh- Flabby and moist -AAAAAAAAAARGH!”
In an obscenely disgusting way, the spirit of KoC rips from Catman’s sphincter.
King of Cats: F*** her right in the P****, I’m free!!!!”
Planet Master (squinty eyed shouting as is typical during a ritual): “Zodiac, you see that duffel bag over there?”
Zodiac (squinty eyed shouting as is typical during a ritual): “Yep!”
Planet Master (squinty eyed shouting as is typical during a ritual): “That contains the sacrifice, into which we will put KoC’s soul!”
Zodiac runs towards the duffel bag, panting heavily for no apparent reason, and opens it up.
Rob Schneider: “Hi!”
Planet Master (squinty eyed shouting as is typical during a ritual): “That’s the sacrifice! Now expose his anus!”
Rob Schneider: “Woah, at least ask me on a date first!”
Zodiac (squinty eyed shouting as is typical during a ritual): “Shut up!”
He punches Schneider in the face, pulls his pants down and points it towards KoC’s spirit.
Planet Master(squinty eyed shouting as is typical during a ritual): “Lure the spirit towards the anus!”
Zodiac thinks for a moment: “Um… Karl, your sister is here!”
King of Cats: “Oooooooooooo!”
Without hesitation, King of Cats soars into Schneider’s butthole. The random green mood lighting that had emanated from Catman dissipates, and King of Cats, now in Rob Schneider’s body, rises.
King of Cats: “Hehehehehehe... by bitches!!!!!!!!!”
King of Cats runs devilishly out of the room, while Catman rises weakly to his feet.
Catman: “I feel like everyone who has skin to skin contact with Gar… *cough*.”
Planet Master (raspy from all the squinty eyed shouting as is typical during a ritual): “This ass is clean.”
Zodiac: “Right… well, I’ll get this little trooper out of here and…”
Planet Master: “Cross my palms with silver.”
Zodiac: “…say wut?”
Planet Master: “Cross my palms with silver!”
Zodiac: “…say wut, agai…”
Planet Master: “PAY ME!”
Zodiac: “You never mentioned that during that the phone call?”
Planet Master: “It was the first thing I mentioned! $300 dollars per grain of salt!”
Zodiac: “… … …they have $300 now? Damn millennials!”
Planet Master: “Pay me.”
Zodiac: “Do you accept gold teeth, big ears here has about twelve from angry sex with Huntress?”
Planet Master: “A couple of those will do nicely.”
Zodiac: “wunderbar! I’ll get some out now!“
Catman (weakly): “Wut… wut are we talking ‘bout?”