The Eraser #4: Coyne & Silversmith

Lenny sits in the waiting room, awkwardly waiting to be called in. According to Paul, this bank will give out loans to any crazy business idea. All you need is a good suit and a tie to the criminal underworld and you’re set. After an insufferable wait, the mousy looking receptionist shouts out.

 

The Mousy looking receptionist (shouting out): Leonard Fiascone?

 

Lenny works into the office, making sure to give the receptionist a mean look for misreading his name, to which she promptly throws up her middle finger. As Lenny enters the office, he is greeted by a skinny, nervous looking man, dressed in a gaudy green suit covered in one-dollar bills.

 

Banker: “…hello. Don’t sit down yet!”

 

With urgency he gets out of his seat and places a piece of tissue paper over the seat, before rushing back to his seat and applying hand sanitizer to his… what do you think?

 

Banker: “You may take a seat now Mr… Fiascone? My name is Joe Coyne, but I demand that you call me Mr Coyne”

 

Lenny: “Hello joe!”

 

The banker shakes his head in annoyance, as Lenny realises his awesome suit may not be enough to make a good impression on the guy.

 

Joe Coyne: “If you… expel gas, I’ll replace your tissue… and burn it.”

 

Lenny takes a seat, and pulls out a set of folders, handing it to the banker, who has put on latex gloves in preparation.

 

Lenny: “I see you’re a bit of a clean freak?”

 

Lenny’s lousy attempt at small talk causes the banker to cease reading Lenny’s file, as he instead begins to rant at him

 

Joe Coyne: “Are you trivialising my never-ending war on the microbe? I tell you this Mr Fiascone, do you think I have gotten this far in life by being a slobbish oath who never bathes!”

 

His already whiny voice grows into a shrill scream.

 

Banker: “What have you done with your life, huh? I have become the leading banker at this establishment, haven’t suffered a cold since kindergarten and own the largest antique penny collection in Gotham, New Jersey, AND IF YOU THINK THAT PENNY COLLECTING ISNT A NORMAL THING TO DO, THEN WHY DON’T YOU JUST GO AND THINK THAT WITH MY MOTHER AND… Lorna!

 

He begins to break down and cry.

 

Banker: “Oh God, Lorna, why did you leave! *Sobs* Was it the Penny’s that caused you to leave… WAS IT?”

 

As the Banker sobs to the heavens, Lenny leans towards the door and addresses the receptionist.

 

Lenny: “Miss, my guy’s broken, can you get me a new one?”

 

1 Hour Later…

 

After convincing him not to burn his penny collection in effigy inside the yoghurt fridge, Coyne eventually leaves, though not before spouting some frankly hurtful things about Lenny’s mother. As a result, Lenny is left once again waiting for a banker to see him, as the receptionist not-so-subtly eats a packet of potato chips, while Lenny is left having had no lunch yet. After a while of waiting, the receptionist, who had previously been making a personal call to her friend Margarite (who from what Lenny could tell is thinking of leaving her boyfriend Sal (listening was the only thing keeping Lenny sane)), tells Lenny to finally enter the office again. This time he does not wait to be asked to sit down, instead plopping his ass straight down on the seat. As for the banker… he’s fat, all other points are eclipsed by that single trait. The banker laughs at Lenny’s ‘rudeness’.

 

Banker #2: “eh, I see you’re tired after Coyne’s meltdown. Poor bastard, it happens all the time. The divorce was his fault anyway.”

 

He’s Australian… this takes Lenny’s interest for no apparent reason.

 

Lenny: “How was it his fault?”

 

Banker #2: “It was his fault for being such a miserable dullard, it’s a miracle it took her so long to cheat!”

 

Lenny is taken aback by the stark contrast between the two bankers, the snivelly germaphobe replaced with the human personification of a boiler explosion waiting to happen. He is almost as disgusting as Paul… almost.

 

Banker #2: “The name’s Silversmith, Sterling Silversmith, but my friends call me Admiral Love Handles! I don’t know why, I am the picture of fitness!”

 

There is an awkward pause as Lenny thinks of an appropriate response. Lenny once had to get eleven stitches after he called Captain Bullock ‘bloopy’.

 

Silversmith: “Only Joking, I know I’m a fat f***. So, what’s your business?

 

Lenny attempts to pull out his folder, only to remember that Coyne flushed them down the toilet in an act of ritualistic sacrifice.

 

Lenny: “My files were… rendered unusable by Coyne.”

 

Silversmith burps, causing Lenny to briefly feel as though he is going blind.

 

Silversmith: “it’s a’ight, I’ll guess based off experience… I am thinking… a brothel?”

 

Lenny: “God, no!”

 

Silversmith: “a star trek themed sex dungeon?”

 

Lenny: “Who the hell do you get here? No!”

 

Silversmith: “A store selling Japanese…?”

 

Lenny: “I’m gonna stop you there! I’m starting a business where I clean up evidence for criminals for a 20% cut!”

 

Silversmith looks at Lenny, perplexed.

 

Silversmith: “Hmmmm, I like it, its clever… but where’s the sexiness, where’s the, y’know… sexiness?”

 

Lenny thinks for a moment. If he is to get the loan, he will need to appeal to the perverted banker’s mind.

 

Lenny: “…I’ll get a hot model on my advertisement, is that enough?”

 

Silversmith: “Soft-core, but it’ll do! $4000, but I’ll give you double if it is an amputee!”

 

Lenny takes a moment to consider the proposal.

 

Lenny: “Eh… I’ll stick to the $4000.”

 

The two shake hands, as silversmith gives Lenny a literal sack full of money with a dollar sign on it (this bank is blunt as f***). Lenny leaves the office, ready to take on the next phase of his plan, The Secret Underground, while Silversmith (AKA Heart attack warning) continues to read his… “educational magazines”.

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Another issue another cookie… you don’t get any this time.

Done