Misfits- The Rise and Fall of Catman

====The Bar====

 

*Set during Drury's incarceration in Blackgate*

 

Jules- September is the worst month.

 

Chancer- Yeah, I kinda have to agree. It's a real slog to get through.

 

Jules- Precisely! There's not even a single holiday!

 

Chuck- There's Labor Day.

 

Jules- Fuck Labor Day.

 

Blake- Thrilling... Len, I'll have your finest milk please!

 

Len- Right...

 

*Len disappears into the backroom, bucket in hand*

 

Blake- *Sniff* Hey, do you smell the salty tang of feminine tears?

 

Chancer- No, because I'm not an insatiable furry.

 

Blake- Your loss. *sniff* Smells good.

 

Chuck- Is it like a Hydra? Is that what it is? Kill one furry and two more shall take it's place?

 

Chancer- I'm going to the bar. I have to wash that image out of my head.

 

Blake- Bleach'll do it faster!

 

Chuck- You might be onto something Blake.

 

Blake- About the bleach?

 

Chuck- No, that patter about sad women...

 

*Chuck gestures to the Bar*

 

Blake- Well well well... Miranda Gaige...

 

Chuck- Miranda Walker isn't it?

 

Jules- I dunno, she's inconsistent about that.

 

Chuck- It's a sad thing really. Drury in Blackgate, Gar in Arkham, and- Blake?

 

Blake- Yeah?

 

Chuck- What are you wearing?

 

Blake- My lucky suit!

 

Jules- It smells of Karl Kyle.

 

Blake- You would know

 

Chuck- Blake, you're an amoral guy. I respect your carefree attitude... but come on.

 

Blake- Yeah, I could probably do better.

 

...

 

Chuck- No you couldn't. She's a bombshell

 

Blake- And I'm a nuke. Watch and learn.

 

*Blake sits at the bar inbetween Chancer and Miranda*

 

Blake- Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

 

Jules- Oh no Tom. No...

 

Chuck- He's still going!

 

Blake- yyyyyyyyy

 

Jules- It's commitment I suppose...

 

Blake- -yyyyyy-y. Hey.

 

Miranda- Blake.

 

Blake- I was just thinking if you wanted-

 

=======

 

Chuck- What do you think?

 

Chancer- "to tickle my hairball"

 

Chuck- "me to spend one of my nine lives with you"

 

=======

 

Blake- -Tickle my hairball.

 

Chuck- *sigh* You win.

 

Miranda- Are you for real?

 

Blake- I think so. Heh. Made you mad did I? Gonna spank-

 

*Miranda splashes her drink in Blake's face then leaves. Blake falls off his stool*

 

Abner- The stool is mine!

 

Blake- Hssssss! Hssss! Gimme a fucking towel!

 

Jules- Use my cape.

 

Blake- Thanks.

 

Jules- Don't feel too bad Thomas. It was never going to work-

 

*Blake throws his fellow misfits a death glare*

 

Jules- *Because* she's not good enough for you, right guys?

 

Chancer- Pushover.

 

Blake- Hmm. Why didn't it work...

 

Chuck- Because you hit on a grieving married woman?

 

*Death glare intensifies*

 

Jules- Ah, don't listen to them.

 

Blake- Who does she think she is? That girl has tangled with the wrong man! No one says "no" to Tom Blake!

 

Chancer- Except her.

 

Blake- Dismissed! Rejected! Publicly humiliated! Why, it's more than I can bear

 

Jules- More milk?

 

Blake- What for? Nothing helps. I'm disgraced

 

Jules- Who, you? Never! Blake, man, you've got to pull yourself together

 

*To the tune of Gaston*

 

Jules- Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Catman

Looking so down in the dumps

Every guy here'd love to be you, Catman

Not counting *those* C-Lister chumps

There's no man in here as admired as you

You're ev'ryone's favorite guy

Ev'ryone's awed and inspired by you

And it's not very hard to see why

 

No one's slick as Catman

No one's quick as Catman

Chancer- No one's head's as incredibly thick as Catman's

Jules- Still, there's no man in town half as manly

Perfect, a pure paragon

You can ask any Bruce, Dick, or Alfie

And they'll tell you whose team they prefer to be on

 

Patrons- No one's big like Catman

A king pin like Catman

 

Jules- No one's got a swell cleft in his chin like Catman

Blake- As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating

Patrons- My, what a guy, that Catman

 

Give five "hurrahs!"

Give twelve "hip-hips!"

 

Jules- Catman is the best

And the rest is all drips

 

Patrons- No one fights like Catman

Douses lights like Catman

In a wrestling match nobody bites like Catman

 

Patrons- For there's no one as burly and brawny

Blake- As you see I've got biceps to spare

Jules- Not a bit of him's scraggly or scrawny

Blake- That's right! And ev'ry last inch of me's covered with fur

 

Patrons- No one hits like Catman

Chancer- No one shits like Catman

 

Jules- In a spitting match nobody spits like Catman

Blake- I'm espcially good at expectorating -- Ptooey!

Chancer- What the fuck's wrong with Catman?

 

Blake- When I was a kit, I ate four dozen fish

Ev'ry morning to help me get large

And now that I'm grown, I eat five dozen fish

Chancer- So you're roughly the size of a barge?

 

Patrons- No one stabs like Catman

Chancer- No one dabs like Catman

 

Jules- Then goes tromping around wearing boots like Catman

Blake- I use dead mice in all of my decorating

 

Patrons- Say it again

Who's a man among men?

And then say it once more

Who's the hero next door?

Who's a super success?

Don't you know? Can't you guess?

Ask his fans and his five hangers-on

There's just one guy in town who's got all of it down

 

Jules- And his name's C-A-T--T--

C-A-T-E--

C-A-T-M-A-oh!

 

Chancer- Batman!

*Thump*

Done