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Hiya folks.

 

Been a while hasn't it.

 

I have been busy mind you. And a lot of things has happened.

 

First up, my weight has gone up. Though I still cannot manage a normal meal, I eat enough to keep my weight at a respectable level and need not even think about hiding by body behind that oversized black jumper. I still keep a calorie book and still am picky about the things I am allowed to eat.

 

The food binges and bouts of throwing up still plague me occassionally but thankfully I can avoid them when I know its coming. I still get a lot of help from books for I am still not confident in speaking to anyone about it. I still walk to and from from work and still try to burn a thousand calories daily on Silver.

 

Simon, my Ex's son is now confirmed to be completely paralysed from the waist down and there really isn't a chance for him to regain the use of his lower limbs. He has been allocated a house in the suburbs of Brighton and is coping fairly well.

 

I have also managed to define my social limits in that I know what I can and cannot do. I know for instance that its still quite hard for me to socialise out in public. My insecurities are quite firmly rooted in. However, I have on occassion gone out with friends from work when I felt that I could cope with myself. Those moments came and went with mixed feelings inside me. Sadly it was more towards inner negativity. But I am quite nonchalant about this. By limiting my social interaction, I have managed to spend a lot of time by myself reading books and even trying to finish that pesky third movement of the Moonlight Sonata.

 

Yes folks, I am still embarassed about being the creature that I am but thats the beauty of it. If I wasn't the creature I was, then I would probably have never known the beauty that is quantum gravitation or the nuances of a good Bach.

 

My Ex has been nothing but a Saint to me. Remember the pic posted above, that was taken about the when I first came out of that dreaded operating theatre? I was full of hope for the new life that was ahead of me. It was the time of parties and bad dates. A time of exploration of me as well as the discovery of others.

 

My Ex hung that pic in her living room where I was sure to see it everytime I felt down. She said that the pic represented a happier time and it was possible for me to be happy again.

 

As for work, I can't say that is has been entirely smooth. There were days I wasn't sure and there were days I was too tired to even care. But I am dealing with that.

 

Perhaps the biggest lesson in the months I kept to myself is that I needed some me time. I learnt that no matter how I try to fit in, I will always be different. And being different is not bad at all. I wasn't born with the ability to socialise or interact. Come to think of it, a lot of my growing up years were spent in isolation. I believe I was happier then.

 

As for the romantic side? Well dear moonbeams, I am afraid that its never going to happen. I said no to the Prince and several other definite Nos to less than desirable people. Simply because they often requested things that I could not give.

 

I did however, experiment with someone. She was a gorgeous blonde who helped me discover how different I was to her. She totally knocked my conceptions of desire and wants sideways. Though I will never find the right woman for me, I kinda know that I am probably not built for it either.

 

And with that dear moonbeams, is a whole new chapter entirely.

Done