GingerbreadGirl II
TheSocialExperiment.
In 8 days I leave for a visit home.
I need to go home for 2 reasons actually.
First of course, is the fact that I haven't been back home since my dad died. That was more than 3 years ago. I had spent 3 weeks with the family after almost a 7 year absence since the fateful day I decided to 'run away'.
My mom is looking forward to seeing me again. She has no idea at all that I am a woman now and I don't intend to tell her at all. Telling her will definitely alienate me out completely and she is the only I have left who actually cares that I exist. I cannot afford to lose her.
The second, and more important reason is that I am seriously considering moving back home. I have spent the better part of the year thinking about this and I think that its probably going to be a good thing.
Because you see, I am dreadfully miserable here. I have never, ever been so alone. At least, by moving back home, I will at least have some company in my family and perhaps a few friends of whom I still keep in touch.
I believe that I might have a job over there already as a friend of mine works for a large corporation and promised to hook me up with an office job doing legal documents.
The only downside is that I will have to go back to being a boy. Don't get me wrong, as I don't see this as a failure at all. I am pretty happy with the body I've got. The local government does not recognise what I am so there would be no available rights afforded to me should I continue being a woman. Not only that, I risk hurting my family as well.
But hey, Clark Kent cannot be Superman all the time.*
The funny thing is, I tried my level best to fit in somewhere. Naturally because of my intersexed/transgendered past, I sought solace within the community and sadly came away more delusioned than before. Delusioned enough to warrant me vowing never to involve myself in their misdirected movements.
Heck, I even joined a local website hoping to meet someone.**
All I got were the worst kind of people I could hope to be with. For some stupid reason, eventhough I have X number of e-mails from potential suitors, none has the courage to talk to me in person.
And remember I told you that I might have a potential suitor that I was interested in sometime ago? I caught her French kissing someone else not two feet away from where I was sitting at a pub.
She was fully aware that I was watching her. And we were on a date.
But I think I finally get the idea. This has all been a big mistake. I was warned for being selfish. I was warned about seeking my own life at the expense of my family. I thought I had paid for it with my dad's death. I should have been there for him. But it looks like The Almighty had one more nasty card to play.
Don't get me wrong, this is not a depressive post. Not by a longshot. I feel quite happy that I now know what I can and cannot do. My limits have been finally shown to me. Its no use wanting things that I cannot have. Thats why my vagina was taken away from me. I was not supposed to have it. I was meant for something else. I guess its time to start looking elsewhere for answers.
And when I return home, perhaps it would be better when I return back here to make preparations for a new life in Singapore.
One thing though ...
My Ex doesn't know. So don't tell her okay.
That dear moonbeams, is going to be the hardest part.
* www.dccomics.com/graphic_novels/?gn=1573
TheSocialExperiment.
In 8 days I leave for a visit home.
I need to go home for 2 reasons actually.
First of course, is the fact that I haven't been back home since my dad died. That was more than 3 years ago. I had spent 3 weeks with the family after almost a 7 year absence since the fateful day I decided to 'run away'.
My mom is looking forward to seeing me again. She has no idea at all that I am a woman now and I don't intend to tell her at all. Telling her will definitely alienate me out completely and she is the only I have left who actually cares that I exist. I cannot afford to lose her.
The second, and more important reason is that I am seriously considering moving back home. I have spent the better part of the year thinking about this and I think that its probably going to be a good thing.
Because you see, I am dreadfully miserable here. I have never, ever been so alone. At least, by moving back home, I will at least have some company in my family and perhaps a few friends of whom I still keep in touch.
I believe that I might have a job over there already as a friend of mine works for a large corporation and promised to hook me up with an office job doing legal documents.
The only downside is that I will have to go back to being a boy. Don't get me wrong, as I don't see this as a failure at all. I am pretty happy with the body I've got. The local government does not recognise what I am so there would be no available rights afforded to me should I continue being a woman. Not only that, I risk hurting my family as well.
But hey, Clark Kent cannot be Superman all the time.*
The funny thing is, I tried my level best to fit in somewhere. Naturally because of my intersexed/transgendered past, I sought solace within the community and sadly came away more delusioned than before. Delusioned enough to warrant me vowing never to involve myself in their misdirected movements.
Heck, I even joined a local website hoping to meet someone.**
All I got were the worst kind of people I could hope to be with. For some stupid reason, eventhough I have X number of e-mails from potential suitors, none has the courage to talk to me in person.
And remember I told you that I might have a potential suitor that I was interested in sometime ago? I caught her French kissing someone else not two feet away from where I was sitting at a pub.
She was fully aware that I was watching her. And we were on a date.
But I think I finally get the idea. This has all been a big mistake. I was warned for being selfish. I was warned about seeking my own life at the expense of my family. I thought I had paid for it with my dad's death. I should have been there for him. But it looks like The Almighty had one more nasty card to play.
Don't get me wrong, this is not a depressive post. Not by a longshot. I feel quite happy that I now know what I can and cannot do. My limits have been finally shown to me. Its no use wanting things that I cannot have. Thats why my vagina was taken away from me. I was not supposed to have it. I was meant for something else. I guess its time to start looking elsewhere for answers.
And when I return home, perhaps it would be better when I return back here to make preparations for a new life in Singapore.
One thing though ...
My Ex doesn't know. So don't tell her okay.
That dear moonbeams, is going to be the hardest part.
* www.dccomics.com/graphic_novels/?gn=1573