Interview with Halfbark Clancy

"Good afternoon folks, I'm Hup Toothree, and welcome to Canadian Football Report, where we kick around current topics, tackle illusive issues, intercept airborne rumors-"

 

-Are you done?

 

"-and hand it all off to you, on location at the practice field beside TD Place in Landsdowne Park, home of the Ottawa Redblacks, to speak with running sensation Halfbark Clancy, who has shredded the record books his first two years pro in leading his team to two straight playoff appearances and a thrilling Grey Cup overtime victory to cap his 2016 rookie season, now looking beyond an undefeated pre-season toward the 2018 opener June 21 against Saskatchewan.

Halfbark, how are you feeling?"

 

Like seven times two minutes of my life just went by that I'll never see again.

 

"See, indeed. To continue, in spite of your spectacular success on the field, controversy continues to dog you. We've dug up a new list of complaints from your teammates and coaches-"

 

-And I thought I buried those for good.

 

"So you've read them?"

 

You understand I'm a dog?

 

"Then allow me to get your response to some:

Constantly late for practice and meetings."

 

So now I have to learn how to tell time? I refer you to my

previous question.

 

"Never showers after practice or games. Or before. Or ever."

 

Last I heard it was no crime to lick yourself clean.

 

"That's disgusting."

 

I smell cigar smoke, beer, Old Spice and sweat

through every pore of your skin. Clearly, I'm the

disgusting one.

 

"Ahem, clearly, indeed. Moving on: pees on teammates."

 

Yup. Every time we're in the huddle I can't help but think:

urine the huddle now!

 

"Licks sweat off their faces instead of using the water bottles."

 

They don't WANT me using the water bottles EITHER!

 

"Wolfs down food during team meals and then jumps onto table and uses puppy-dog eyes to beg scraps from other players."

 

Geez, you make that sound like a bad thing.

 

"Shredded the record books. Literally, this time."

 

Hey, throw me a bone. Everyone down to the ball boy were yapping of my shredding of the record books so when I went to see for myself I found them only slightly dog-eared and didn't want to disappoint them, so...did somebody mention a bone?

 

"And there's plenty more here. How do you feel overall about these 136 complaints?"

 

136?! That I'm glad I can't count.

 

"Count, indeed. One last question: What are the Redblacks'

chances of bringing the Grey Cup back to Ottawa this year?"

 

I believe that if our special teams perform as expected and

our defence remains aggressive, then with the playbook Coach Campbell has instituted and the entire offence on board, our chances are excellent.

 

"Wow, I was expecting a real sarcastic answer."

 

Well, I was expecting a real reporter.

 

"Thank you for this, Halfbark."

 

Yip. Now, I swear someone mentioned a bone.

________________________________________________

TD Place, Landsdowne Park, Ottawa, Ontario

 

336. Clancy, 5yrs 30wks

 

Clancy's YEARBOOK 6: www.flickr.com/photos/130722340@N04/albums/72157690680496806

 

FOOTBALL Clancy: www.flickr.com/photos/130722340@N04/albums/72157682114502643

Done