Moleman's Epic Rap Battles #43-C: Palpatine Vs. Eggman

VIDEO: (Coming when it does)

 

••• SCRIPT/LYRICS: •••

(Continued from: www.deviantart.com/molemanninethousand/art/MERB-43-B-Soni...)

 

Darth Plagueis:

I'm a Munn of wealth and taste who needn't be self-introduced,

Repping the reemergence of ways a millennium reclused!

Manipulating midi-chlorians? I've maximized the biz,

So let me educate you on my origins, and all that jizz:

Ol' Tenebrous may not have been my father, but he was my daddy;

Even so, I silenced him, and now he yearns for screaming badly.

No malady you can bring, though, could so much as shut my mouth up:

What I spit is Venemis; that, I leave rivals with no doubt of.

Although not exactly old, my legend's legacy's eternal:

Look to Tarkin; call me Darth Da Vinci, so dope are my journals!

Not delaying, I'll show what wicked wisdom's held behind Damask;

Your group couldn't take me down with more than FourDee arms' combined attacks!

For my foes' ancient prophecy's hijacking, I've been vying lots,

But as for your alleged "Chosen One", I give no flying fox!

These beats go by the Rule of One; I'd hardly call it irony

That you could save yourselves from death by others' hands, but not from me!

 

Sonic the Hedgehog:

Your mind is surely Plagued by something; why the long face, Darth BoJack?

Rotor: We won't forgive you, anyway, so get the fuck out Knothole, hack!

Bunnie Rabbot: Don't you come touting "immortality" in our town, you old meanie!

Antoine D'Coolette: We'll go Tale of the Three Brothers on you, striking far less cleanly!

 

Darth Plagueis:

What in San Hill are you thinking, fighting back? You cannot thwart me;

I'll be chosen winner, fair and square: the votes are due in shortly… (*BLAM!*)

Freedom Fighters: AW, SHIT!

Darth Plagueis: …Oh, drop the feigned surprise; there's no need for pretending.

What did you expect based on the opera scene; a happy ending? (*BOOM!*)

 

Palpatine:

It seems your Qin-esque quest for life eternal was in vain,

But fret not, "master"; I'll take in your stead the new Empire's reins!

You should have settled for possession; I know well that power's merits,

Case in point: my evil essence's transference to these lyrics!

Hitting woodland critters far worse than some droids attacking Wookiees,

One could say death spared a great deal of distress for Master Mundi!

Snuffing Sal like Spidey's Stacy, orders left unexecuted,

But Count on it, Dookie-heads, that I won't hesitate to do it!

 

Sally Acorn:

Our spy network's got your number, Dawg; it doesn't take a Sleuth,

You all-bark, lying, far-side Dark Side douchebag, self-orphaned as a youth!

Sonic the Hedgehog: We're turning your own words against you, for with ours, we're flowing hate,

And screw the senate: this sick cypher will be what decides your fate!

 

Emperor Palpatine:

I am this cypher! As for senates, Sonic, let me tell you something:

You remind me of Jar Jar; one fool got played, and one's a Gungan!

They staved off 'Twan's planned demise with fan-outcry and cosmic waves,

But once I'm fed up with him, he's a goner no reboot could save!

Don't go 'round dissing me tonight: it's bound to take your whole world's lives,

And it's no mere bad moon I speak of: there's a Death Star on the rise!

Match your dumb dash against my spinning lunge? I'd like to see you try;

Now, thunderously and to mass-applause, young hedgehog, you will die…

 

Doctor Eggman:

Zapping as usual, I see; go eat my Crocodile's gun!

I'm highest of the Overlanders, and there can be only one,

Cross-zone encounters notwithstanding; that's what saved me way back when:

I nuked the world, then hopped dimensions just to do it all again!

I've heard rotund robotic folks excel at ending you for good;

Clean Sweeping floors with you, you Sheevposted in the wrong neighborhood!

Though twenty-plus post-EndGame issues passed before I would arrive,

This'll be over faster than your reign, had you said "Sixty-Five"!

Check out my Legion: we are many, and above discrimination;

Kukkus flock beneath my wing, while I annex echidna nations!

I possess a magic touch, and my big brother knows it well.

My Death-ship's one tough Egg to crack; yours takes one shot to blow to Hell!

 

Emperor Palpatine:

Oh, don't bring up your puny parody of my great superweapon,

For compared, you'll find it pales, just like my face upon arresting!

Although I'm the old man here, try throwing off the Emperor's groove,

And get dropped harder than the ARK with your granddaddy's dying move!

 

Doctor Eggman:

I'll take control of my whole horde, press on with alternating tactics,

And D.E.L.ete your sorry ass; you'll be devoured by my Badniks!

It's my most triumphant moment since issue one-seven-five:

Brace for a fall no form of Emerald could allow you to survive…

(*Palpatine is sent plummeting to his death and explodes for no reason…*)

 

Palpatine, Emperor Reborn:

Did you think hatching that old hat hatch-trick would truly do me in?

You seem to be confusing me with he who taught me, Julian,

For when it comes to saving my own self from death, I can and have:

Back with my Empire's Darkness up twofold, and wrinkles down by half!

I have no time for naming heirs; I'm an eternal autocrat!

You'll never hold such power; not again: those Bem freaks saw to that.

I'm brewing up a Forceful storm, Eclipsing your Egg Fleet by far;

You'll fall to madness as I squash you like the wretched bug you are!

Returned by Byss from the abyss, watch me tear Mon Cala to bits,

Springing a trap so devastating, Ackbar's warning won't do shit!

I needn't share my son's defects to see through all your ploys blindfolded;

Just take it from my apprentice, in my image newly-molded…

 

Luke Skywalker:

You know what they say, and I ain't talking more being merrier:

If you can't beat them, join them; my new master couldn't be scarier,

And so I'm fighting for the strongest side, dark though it clearly is!

Don't underestimate its power, as I quite severely did!

I've got this covered, going deep like Quinlan Vos for Shadow Hand;

Ask Endor's vets: there's strength in simply acting under his command!

Now, summoned once more from far, far away to carry out his bidding,

I'll be crashing Carriers; smashing through barriers with spitting!

…Also: kidding! (*SLASH!*)

Yo, Hideous: how's that for sabotage?

As if I'd ever… crap, it's that blue butthole and his entourage;

I'm not about to start with you again!

 

Doctor Eggman:

…Then try his nemesis,

And get served with Mobian bacon; think my namesakes, Benedict!

I'm Warlord-Doctor Julian Ivo Eggman Robo-Kintobor,

And I'm gonna be a rapping star before this battle's over!

Neither your arch-foe's rebirth nor my own Prime-self's lasted long,

But I'm like Hamill's other tour de force: immune to staying gone! (*BOOM!*)

 

Snively Robotnik:

It's just been revoked, dear uncle; now, at last, I see your heart,

And it's my turn, for reals this time: can't cancel this before it starts!

While his fat ass fills up the Void, I'll fill the void left, taking power:

Bay's Starscream, but to survive here, I don't have to be a coward!

You'll soon share my cousin's fate: G.U.N.ned down with cruel efficiency;

My rhymes are programmed for annihilating you specifically!

Long live me four times over, for both Emperors are double-dead;

There's fewer out there who could stop me now than hairs left on my head!

 

Palpatine, Reborn Again:

Did you ever hear of the tragedy wrought by my resurrection?

It's not a story Disney would tell you; it's a Star Wars Legend!

Palpatine is no mere Pac-Man; past three lives, I have loads more!

Take on them all, and I'll need no grand plan for winning that Clone War.

I see just what you're made of, Colin, and you shouldn't pose a problem:

You're a bit of Grimer Wormtongue mixed with twice as much of Gollum!

While your sister-kinship's Hopeless, you'll find me still less forgiving:

Get out of this battle, my Empire, and this realm of living!

 

Snively Robotnik:

Oh, I won't be cucked again by you and your decaying cells:

I'll feed you to your rank Rancors; chop down your flimsy citadel!

You'll find I've been preparing for this like you should have for the Vong,

For I'm DYNAMAC, and I've waited long…

?????????: Yes, I'll bet you have!

Luke Skywalker: Han; what are you doing here?!

 

Han Solo:

In Oscar's words, a very brief cameo:

Think The Lego Movie; dropping by real quick, I'll soon have to go.

Thankfully, all that I need deliver here's a single blast,

'Cause Palpatine's no Greedo; I'll be proud to say I shot him last! (*KA-BANG!*)

 

Snively Robotnik:

…Well, that's just perfect! Now, his very soul is sealed away,

And the Empire entire's in a dire state of disarray,

With many warlords out there, feuding over territories, splintered;

Rising up, I'll claim the mantle as the one and only victor!

(*Glowing red eyes appear in the foreground…*)

 

?????????:

HERE COMES THE ADMIRAL!

Ladies and gentlemen…

HERE COMES THE ADMIRAL!

…The moment you've been waiting for…

HERE COMES THE ADMIRAL!

…The pride of Mount Tantiss…

HERE COMES THE ADMIRAL!

…Mitth'raw'nuruodo!

 

Grand Admiral Thrawn:

Seeing Sheev's shortsightedness as to succession, I'm his Heir apparent:

The exception to perceptions against aliens' "aberrance"!

Failure's fatal under Vader; with manpower, I don't squander it:

You're kriffing with the living Mitth behind the whole Triumvirate!

I am the very model of an Imperial Admiral,

Who studies matters cultural, artistic and behavioral

To form psychological profiles of my foes for masterful

Strategic tactics carried out with minimal collateral

Damages; I can manage shit! Abandon ship, you Muppet:

I'm as Far Outside your scope as those who'd slaughter the Republic!

Lessers of my rank are best remembered for creating memes;

When I see traps, they're neutralized with tact: no need of making scenes!

The Force can Chiss my ass; I'm more than just another silly wizard

Villain: chilling in my ship with trick-resisting kitty-lizards!

You should catch an Outbound Flight from here: get out the path of Thrawn,

The mighty menace never met by the main cast; think Wrath of Khan!

The aftermath of Zahn's post-Endor event-chronicling creation

Paved the way for countless tales; indeed, my very reputation

Carried sequels even following my own untimely slaying!

Thus, I borrow back from Saw: game over, Snively; thanks for playing.

 

Snively Robotnik:

Bah! I'll end your Flimsy legacy; abort your every clone!

You ought to know: this little bastard's next up for the Iron throne,

But unlike Joffrey, once with my love, I'll be far less choking-prone,

For though the red-eyed one's against me here, I still am not alone…

 

Iron Queen Regina Ferrum:

Let me be Frank: a Storm's a-brewing, per this Iron Maiden's will:

A Beastly bitch, I've got your Number; Troopers, best Run to the Hills!

Wanna compare yourself to Khan? I'll make a Monkey out of you,

And you'll be never seen again, as it seemed I would post-debut,

But I'm a real-deal comeback queen there can be no impersonating;

Didn't come here to make fans: I'll need but one to douse your flaming!

Like Lien-Da, your resistance will blow right up in your face;

A padded cell will be your home as I usurp and take your place!

I wedded that Old Iron King, but I rule over more than Ash:

Have my own posse of dark brides; for you, each one of them's a match!

You'd better keep a Constant Vigil once I've started hatching plans:

My Reach is Endless; check my Conquests, forces Storming clashing clans!

I couldn't hold NICOLE's control? I'm glad: we cut our weakest lynx!

I got exiled? Need you be reminded what your species thinks?

What you found admirable in that brute's backstabbing is a mystery;

I'll show you what it truly means to be done in artistically!

 

Grand Admiral Thrawn:

Oh, quit your badgering; you're dumber than Natasi Daala,

And as queens go, you're about as threatening as Amidala!

You chose midget over minotaur? Well, love can be surprising;

Step to me, though, and your ass will see a second huge downsizing!

 

Snively Robotnik:

Bullcrap, as when you "returned" before! I won't abide being lied to:

Like Honoghr's "restoration", we'll be coming back to bite you!

Iron Queen Regina Ferrum: Don't you underestimate the sway my Magitek can grant;

Just ask the Freedom Fighters of my kingdom! Oh, that's right: you can't!

 

Grand Admiral Thrawn:

Listen, Maleficent: you're merely an interim enemy;

A temporary threat at best, fleeting in your relevancy.

I built a legacy! Intent on ending me tonight? That's rich;

I'll throw you down a well, ensuring that you suffer with my wish!

Sparing your life based on your youth was a mistake; beyond erroneous,

And you talk of taking my place, yet you failed to even notice

When your love was left to rot, swapped out for his own wack invention!

One need not be a Shinobi to get shit past your attention,

So if your Dominion's Iron, my Empire's Durasteel:

The Hand of Thrawn just bitch-smacked Regina Repulsa; left her sealed,

For my regime's unrivaled throughout this entire lame dimension!

?????????: Well, then, let me up the Anti with a lesson in Suppression!

 

TO BE CONTINUED…

Done