Moleman's Epic Rap Battles #28: Death Vs. Death

VIDEO HERE: www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8Pusl0wOqc

 

 

••• SCRIPT/LYRICS: •••

 

MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES…

 

…DEATH…

 

…VS…

 

…DEATH!

 

BEGIN!

 

• Death: •

Word of warning here: forget about the lofty Cost of Living,

'Cause the price of crossing me's a hundredfold if I'm forgiving!

Whether chilling in my realm or as a mortal each centennial,

The Endless biggest sis's gothic beauty is perennial!

A soul-collector nice as I? Good luck with ever finding one,

Yet here up on the mic, I've all the fury of the Kindly Ones,

When I attack a bony, hackneyed, homely phony reaper

As the one and only ultimate in mortal coil-keepers!

You'll end up like my poor middle brother: straight-vacate your station,

When I see you get a lifetime's worth of shame; humiliation

From the Vertigo my dizzying disses hit you with. You'll soon Despair!

I'll put the "psycho" into "psychopomp"; leave you in disrepair!

Contest against this Champion? You're hardly my competitor;

In terms of schticks-personified, you're more on par with Pedobear!

You oughta go and ask your old pal Marlo if she's heard of me;

Like Gadling finally croaking, my defeat will take Eternity!

 

• Death: •

Let Death arrest her customary silence for a spell

To drop omniscient lyrics deeper than the annals of my Well:

You're lost in deep Delirium; mad as a titan's hopeless courting.

I'm the empress of the end; you're as legit as Emperor Norton!

They say War Is Hell, but it hath not a fury close to mine;

I'll send you to Oblivion with Cosmic Power most divine!

Ensnare you like a Crowley wannabe with no mistake of target;

When you mess with Lady Death, she strikes with Adamantine hardness!

Watch mortality incarnate wreck an eldritch Marcia Brady;

Any Cancer of a wretch who steps to Death's Beyonder-Crazy!

Bring your siblings all along to aid in challenging my mantle,

For your Seven Ds are less a threat to me than Disney Channel's!

Inescapable as gravity, and twice as harsh a mistress;

Doesn't take your Dead Boy buddies to Detect which Death'll win this.

Go consult your older brother's book, and find it's quite confirmable:

Your effort's doomed as Captain Mar-Vell; diagnosis terminal!

 

• Death: •

That verse had all the logic of a rant on life's unfairness,

With a flow awkward as when they had me teaching AIDS awareness!

My demolishing this bag of bones will come as no surprise;

You're in the Dead Pool: even Wade is betting on your swift demise!

You're Dreaming if disputing Death is what your dreary rear's Desiring;

Ask any cosplay expert which of us is more inspiring.

Like metaphoric wings, all feel the beating of my voice,

For one must bend to me or face Annihilation; make your choice.

 

• Death: •

Giving ultimatums, are we, pasty punk? You're off your rocker;

Full of Rot, and tactless as that omnicidal sicko, Walker.

Still, it's high time for a change, so don't you think my aura fazed

As I once more resume my silence while my champion takes the stage...

 

• Thanos: •

I'm throwing down the Gauntlet: spitting Gems of Infinite dopeness;

Wooing the woman of my worship with this intricate opus!

I'm resurrected once again and back to cause galactic harm,

And you can bet this time I won't end up retired on some farm!

I'll bathe the star-ways with the innards of this Deviant impostor

With Titanic rhyming, sharper than the blades up on my copter!

Take one look into my eyes; you'll panic like my matron parent did.

When Thanos gets to Rising, taking flight is quite Imperative!

With Cosmic Cube in hand, I'll A.I.M. to conquer space and time,

And when my fleet's on the attack, the only Sanctuary's mine.

I'm an Eternal-dreaded warlord, carrying out cross-cosmic slaughter,

And your title-claim's legit as Nebula being my granddaughter!

 

• Death: •

That's enough of Mr. Purple People-Killer; shift the view to me:

I fought the Auditors, but now I'm bringing on the scrutiny.

A righteous Reaper Man who you'd do well not to offend,

Because you rodents couldn't even match my squeaky little friend!

No Rite of AshkEnte in effect; attendant of my own accord.

I'll reap you all as lowly peasants; you're unworthy of my sword!

Regardless whether you believe in me, I'll always be the realest,

And I pimp-smack punks so hard, even their unborn children feel it!

It's all Bad Omens for gothy here; poor Girl's out of her Element.

I'll crush her with the full force of four planet-carrying elephants,

Then Ultimately Nullify this other poser's smugness,

Right before destroying her boyfriend like my name was Arthur Douglas!

Well, my wit is like my Duty's instruments: sharp as can be,

And even Azrael agrees there can be no replacing me.

Your books are nearly finished; sands are dwindling in your hourglasses.

I'm the only justice here, so keep a Hogs-watch on your asses!

 

• Death: •

Oh, get back to your domain; those lines fell flatter than your planet.

It's Two Minutes To Midnight on all your clocks; you'd better panic!

Slender man ten times more terrifying than Slender Man, for real:

You're all bacteria before me! You know not with what you deal.

Lucifer's in his cage, but still I'm dishing out the violence:

Skill vaster than my age, I spit rhymes vicious as Leviathans!

I'm Super-Supernatural; not even God is safe from I.

Bump into me, you'll say you're sorry, or prepare to say "BUH*BYE"!

I'm always making scenes, from Sioux Falls to pizzeria restaurants;

The only men to cheat me more than once are those Winchester punks!

Precipitating storms with but a twiddle of the pinky;

Watch me rev my Eldorado up and run right over Binky!

My true form exceeds our budget, but my raps all come unfiltered;

Yours are trashy as my eating habits: ever-out-of-kilter.

You belong on Cartoon Network; I'm the Reaper all should fear!

My name is Death, and all you losers best believe the end is here!

 

• Death: •

Not so fast, old man; let me address the question in your heads:

"Am I going to get upstaged?" To that, the answer is a "Yes!"

Don't try to Pitt yourselves against me; Mr. Joe Black is a boss,

And it won't take three hours this time just to get my point across!

I'll soon see to it that you Parrish, and take over all your business:

Roast you with the lyrics smooth as peanut butter; they're delicious!

Never Taking Holidays from honing how I rock a mic,

And when I step up, always know that lightning's guaranteed to strike!

This hunky body may be borrowed, but my rhymes are funky-fresh;

They'll end your whole careers like Gigli did to poor old Martin Brest.

Like two successive car-collisions, better trust I'll leave you hurting:

Barring meeting me and taxes, nothing else in life's as certain.

 

• Death: •

You may say your deeds are meaningful, but I'd say you're a failure:

Half your ticket sales were only for a Star Wars prequel trailer!

As for me, I'm artful as they come; it's plain as black-and-white,

And like the Plague all over Europe, I shall prove your greatest blight!

When I set on my rap-crusade, you're all checkmated, end of story:

I'm the classic king of reaping, and you're barely pawns before me.

Revelation time: you're idiotic as a group of flagellants;

Could smite you to the sound of trumpets using just my flatulence!

I'll cut you down like trees: I'm not afraid to get medieval;

Can't be Blocked from conquest this time with some cheap chess piece-upheaval.

Granting no escapes, I ruin dinner parties with my presence:

Spit sweet Swedish speech so shocking, silence falls way up in Heaven!

I've inspired endless spoofs, from Bill & Ted to Animaniacs;

I'll claim your souls and force them all to join me in some zany danse!

You've not a chance; I'll counter every strategy you hatch.

God isn't here for you, and so I take the day: game, set and match!

 

• Death: •

…You won't when you behold this mighty rider on an ashen horse:

Despairing as the Seventh Seal is overtaken by the Fourth!

Kinslayer of the Nephilim, I forge Apocalyptic verses;

Saved humanity, but once I've dealt with you, I won't reverse it!

I drop shadow-bombs and zap away your lyrical Corruption;

Like the Dead Lords called to court, you're all in for abrupt destruction.

Time to meet your Makers; I've a Death Grip on this rhythm's beating:

Slaying you with possessed weapons, which your souls will soon be feeding!

Don't you go to War with me; my Fury's sure of bringing Strife.

Scale every wall, walk every void; the Arcane skill in me is rife!

You'll lose yourselves within my words, deep as the labyrinth of the Arbiter.

I'll reap you all in one fell swoop just like a combine harvester!

I'm Vigilant yet visceral while letting loose my Wrath;

Step to this Crucible prizefighter, you won't see the Aftermath!

You gnomes are Mad as Joe to take me on! There's no way I'll be bested,

'Cause your raps are for the birds, so Dust, show them to the exit.

 

(*MASSIVE CRASHING NOISE*)

 

Death: What in the multiverse was that?!

 

Death: 'Twas an explosion, it seems obvious.

 

Death: A massive one, I might add.

 

Death: This is feeling very ominous…

 

Announcer: ATTENTION, RAPPING REAPERS: CARRY ON; DON'T BE ALARMED!

SOUNDSTAGE FOUR HAS JUST EXPLODED; THANKFULLY, NO ONE WAS HARMED.

 

Death: Soundstage Four? That sounds familiar…

 

Thanos: That was what our memos said!

 

Death: …But then you wrote us all to meet up here at Soundstage Five instead…

 

Announcer: WELL, YOU SEE, I HAD A DREAM THE OTHER NIGHT, ONE VERY VIVID:

IT PREDICTED THIS WOULD HAPPEN, SO I SWAPPED THE SETS LAST-MINUTE.

 

• William Bludworth: •

Yo, I got no invitation; wasn't called from any mirror,

But happened to be passing by, and couldn't help but overhear.

Appears you had a premonition, but you're not supposed to be here:

Death's been shorted; now you cheaters have the ire of the reaper.

Seen this happen all before, and man, the end is never pretty!

There's no accidents and no coincidences; it's a pity.

Now, I'd tell you to be careful, but in truth, you're straight-up doomed:

The grim one's coming for the lot of you, and so I'll see you soon…

 

• Death: •

There's been a rift in my design, and so it's time again to play;

I take my time and make it bloody while I'm snuffing out my prey!

I ain't no force of nature's balance or some pretty emo girl:

This Death's the sickest, most vindictive S.O.B. in any world!

This battle's doing a 180 when I'm added to the mix;

I'll even channel Reuben Goldberg carrying out my fatal tricks.

The North Bay Bridge collapse was tame compared to how I'll leave your skulls!

None ever win my twisted game; I don't play by the rules at all.

I'm throwing wrenches in your plans; you're never in the Clear from me!

I'll take a deadly dump on you like logs on Highway 23.

The whole environment's my box of tools for your annihilation:

No escapes, Death only, Final fucking Destination!

 

Halt! Death is part of nature, but you take it way too far;

You think you're up there with my Father, but a Devil's what you are!

As for you other wretches, let me just remind you of your place,

For even you cannot deprive of my eternal gift of grace!

 

• Jesus Christ: •

Harbingers of woeful tidings, Gospel news is now upon thee:

Meet your conquerer; from death returned, although I ain't a zombie.

Christ's rap-craft is without sin, and thus I cast this final verse,

Leaving you withered like a fig tree fallen to my righteous curse!

Ask good ol' Lazarus about this water-walking living miracle;

Soul-savior supreme, my Superstardom's incomparable.

I suffered for salvation; Harrowed Hell for those before me.

Sorry, Shrek: as Lord of Love and Life, I am the one and only!

Generated food from scratch, and I would feed the multitudes;

Now here, I do the same with raps, good for defeating all of you.

Your vapid words are empty as my tomb; the Passion's strong in mine.

I'm bringing flavor to these beats like turning water into wine!

My birth defines the years; before that still, I struck fear into kings.

To Paradise, I am the key; forget Red Bull: I give you wings!

This Testament of mine complete, to Heaven I once more ascend,

And so to all, 'til next we meet, may praise be to the Lord; amen!

 

WHO WON?

 

WHO'S NEXT?

 

I DECIDE!

 

MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!

Done