Thoughts Run About
I keep trying to get some thoughts down and it just keeps coming out as whining and somewhat needy or maybe a very confused human being. Trust me, I am far from that. But where I am these days is what I am wondering about. I listen…a lot. I read…a lot. I observe…a lot. From what I have seen in others I just don’t seem to be finding me anywhere in these observations. Maybe looking for a label or tag or whatever to call myself is wrong. I just feel that if I can find that “thing” that “identity tag” then I can have more of a group or personal identity to fall back on. In recent years I began seeing a category or maybe more of a placement on where I always saw for me fitting under the Trans Umbrella as a solid descriptor of ME but I am now beginning to question that.
“Always support your team” is such a strong thing that I have lived by and over the years of actually playing sports or being a fan, I have maybe just been a wee bit at fault of taking those four words a bit too strongly. I have always hoped that putting yourself fully in – heart, mind, body that that would be enough. Satisfaction would come from that. So when I embraced this journey of true self that not only would I find myself but also others that are at a similar point. I am beginning to see and understand that that may not be true. While we may appear to be similar in dress or pose or smile, we have so many differences. I guess that is OK. I seem to have taken a left turn there. Where my head is at and has been at for awhile is the idea of a label equating to identity and purpose. Find that and then one will be able to support that.
If I were to have that perfect label for myself then that would help shape and define my identity. I keep putting this label in front of me or that label in front of me, much like I would do if I was out trying on a dress, to see if it was right for me and I keep having to put that label back on the rack and go look for another one to try on. I never saw a concept web until I was in University (oh the sheltered life I lead) and when it was described to me on what to do with it, I found out that I was doing them wrong, or so it appeared because shockingly mine was totally different from everyone else. Maybe all of this, this that I share herewith you is not a concept web but a Venn diagram. Maybe that is what this is. Maybe all of this nothing more than a Venn diagram. One great big group of intersecting circles. Sure, I can live with that. A bit of this and a touch of that. Kinda how my Grandma baked a pie and also why those written down recipes on the faded cards never turned out the same.
I can hear myself telling others about what I think they should do “just relax” “enjoy the journey” “be happy for yourself” “have fun” “smile”. Maybe taking the advice I offer to others and giving it to myself would be wise. How much do we have to do??? Not sure. When will we get there??? Not sure. What is the most important thing??? Not sure. Where is this leading??? Not sure. Why is this all taking place??? Not sure. Who do you need to impress??? Yourself. Ya. You. Impress yourself. I am confident it will all work out. I mean, it will right?
Plus the best thing to do is not proofread what you have been typing at 3AM and then just post it out into the world. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?
I am fine by the way. A-OK 100% so no comments that way please and thank you.
Thoughts Run About
I keep trying to get some thoughts down and it just keeps coming out as whining and somewhat needy or maybe a very confused human being. Trust me, I am far from that. But where I am these days is what I am wondering about. I listen…a lot. I read…a lot. I observe…a lot. From what I have seen in others I just don’t seem to be finding me anywhere in these observations. Maybe looking for a label or tag or whatever to call myself is wrong. I just feel that if I can find that “thing” that “identity tag” then I can have more of a group or personal identity to fall back on. In recent years I began seeing a category or maybe more of a placement on where I always saw for me fitting under the Trans Umbrella as a solid descriptor of ME but I am now beginning to question that.
“Always support your team” is such a strong thing that I have lived by and over the years of actually playing sports or being a fan, I have maybe just been a wee bit at fault of taking those four words a bit too strongly. I have always hoped that putting yourself fully in – heart, mind, body that that would be enough. Satisfaction would come from that. So when I embraced this journey of true self that not only would I find myself but also others that are at a similar point. I am beginning to see and understand that that may not be true. While we may appear to be similar in dress or pose or smile, we have so many differences. I guess that is OK. I seem to have taken a left turn there. Where my head is at and has been at for awhile is the idea of a label equating to identity and purpose. Find that and then one will be able to support that.
If I were to have that perfect label for myself then that would help shape and define my identity. I keep putting this label in front of me or that label in front of me, much like I would do if I was out trying on a dress, to see if it was right for me and I keep having to put that label back on the rack and go look for another one to try on. I never saw a concept web until I was in University (oh the sheltered life I lead) and when it was described to me on what to do with it, I found out that I was doing them wrong, or so it appeared because shockingly mine was totally different from everyone else. Maybe all of this, this that I share herewith you is not a concept web but a Venn diagram. Maybe that is what this is. Maybe all of this nothing more than a Venn diagram. One great big group of intersecting circles. Sure, I can live with that. A bit of this and a touch of that. Kinda how my Grandma baked a pie and also why those written down recipes on the faded cards never turned out the same.
I can hear myself telling others about what I think they should do “just relax” “enjoy the journey” “be happy for yourself” “have fun” “smile”. Maybe taking the advice I offer to others and giving it to myself would be wise. How much do we have to do??? Not sure. When will we get there??? Not sure. What is the most important thing??? Not sure. Where is this leading??? Not sure. Why is this all taking place??? Not sure. Who do you need to impress??? Yourself. Ya. You. Impress yourself. I am confident it will all work out. I mean, it will right?
Plus the best thing to do is not proofread what you have been typing at 3AM and then just post it out into the world. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?
I am fine by the way. A-OK 100% so no comments that way please and thank you.