An Essay:
Who to believe? Whom to believe? What to believe?
Whatever it should be, what it is is this…
Today I went out on a shopping mission. My favorite shoe store had a sale on. I was also looking for a dress for a special occasion. So I got myself ready and headed out.
The last couple of times I have been feeling, well, the best way to describe it is vulnerable. I have not worried at all about going out and doing things in a very long time. I am still not worried but like I mentioned there has been a real vulnerable sense the last couple of times out.
On Wednesday when I was out and after visiting with my friend Teri, I decided to stop in at a couple of stores. In the consignment shop I was the only one in there and the Manager struck up a conversation with me and it was a very good conversation. The gist of the conversation was that she just wanted to know without offending me, what I preferred to be called and I shall quote, “because you obviously identify as a woman.” I was kinda floored by that. We had a real honest chat and I hope I was able to help her understand things a bit more. She also wanted it to be clear that I was welcome to shop there anytime and to let my friends know that they are welcome too.
But I was still feeling some sort of vulnerability. Maybe that isn’t the right way to describe it.
OK. Have you ever questioned the truth? Is the truth what you see in the mirror? Is the truth what you see through the camera? Is the truth what you see in your mind? That is what I am struggling with my recent times out. I have done my makeup and gotten ready and headed out only to have a sense go off inside of me that says…”go home you fool.” But then someone will compliment me and I will be caught off guard. Or I get in the change room to try on something and I look at myself in the mirror and see a fraud. But then I take a photo and look back at it and it is decent enough.
A lot of that happened today. I was feeling alright as I headed off to the shoe store. Then as I was shopping and trying on shoes I was feeling odd. It wasn’t like anyone was looking at me or saying something to me, it was just an odd feeling. Loved the shoes I picked up though. From there I headed to another store, I was thinking the clerk there would be honest with me, as she is always honest with me and how I look but she wasn’t in. Sigh. Well stick with the plan and go see about a special dress. Off I go and I find a couple of winners but as I am changing in and out of the dresses and snapping a couple of photos it felt off still. And looking at the photos later, I honestly shuddered at how awful I looked. All that shopping had left me hungry so I stopped at a restaurant that I had been to plenty of times before. I wasn’t in any particular frame of mind other than hungry but that was where I was looking at the photos on my phone and I just got kinda sad I guess. I thought about going home but I felt I should push a bit harder at all of this and so I decided to head up to my favorite indoor photo spot and take some photos. For the most part it was an uneventful shoot. I haven’t looked at the shots yet but I hope some turned out OK.
My phone went off and a friend of mine invited me to join him and his wife for a late night dessert so I did join them. We had a nice visit. It is most interesting being able to converse with them about our regular friendship parts all the while I am in “Kim” mode. As we were leaving my friends wife did mention that she liked my new wig.
So…who do you believe. Whom do you believe. What do you believe.
I guess there will be another day. Another time. Another adventure.
If you read this far, thank you for indulging my thoughts tonight.
Love
Kim
An Essay:
Who to believe? Whom to believe? What to believe?
Whatever it should be, what it is is this…
Today I went out on a shopping mission. My favorite shoe store had a sale on. I was also looking for a dress for a special occasion. So I got myself ready and headed out.
The last couple of times I have been feeling, well, the best way to describe it is vulnerable. I have not worried at all about going out and doing things in a very long time. I am still not worried but like I mentioned there has been a real vulnerable sense the last couple of times out.
On Wednesday when I was out and after visiting with my friend Teri, I decided to stop in at a couple of stores. In the consignment shop I was the only one in there and the Manager struck up a conversation with me and it was a very good conversation. The gist of the conversation was that she just wanted to know without offending me, what I preferred to be called and I shall quote, “because you obviously identify as a woman.” I was kinda floored by that. We had a real honest chat and I hope I was able to help her understand things a bit more. She also wanted it to be clear that I was welcome to shop there anytime and to let my friends know that they are welcome too.
But I was still feeling some sort of vulnerability. Maybe that isn’t the right way to describe it.
OK. Have you ever questioned the truth? Is the truth what you see in the mirror? Is the truth what you see through the camera? Is the truth what you see in your mind? That is what I am struggling with my recent times out. I have done my makeup and gotten ready and headed out only to have a sense go off inside of me that says…”go home you fool.” But then someone will compliment me and I will be caught off guard. Or I get in the change room to try on something and I look at myself in the mirror and see a fraud. But then I take a photo and look back at it and it is decent enough.
A lot of that happened today. I was feeling alright as I headed off to the shoe store. Then as I was shopping and trying on shoes I was feeling odd. It wasn’t like anyone was looking at me or saying something to me, it was just an odd feeling. Loved the shoes I picked up though. From there I headed to another store, I was thinking the clerk there would be honest with me, as she is always honest with me and how I look but she wasn’t in. Sigh. Well stick with the plan and go see about a special dress. Off I go and I find a couple of winners but as I am changing in and out of the dresses and snapping a couple of photos it felt off still. And looking at the photos later, I honestly shuddered at how awful I looked. All that shopping had left me hungry so I stopped at a restaurant that I had been to plenty of times before. I wasn’t in any particular frame of mind other than hungry but that was where I was looking at the photos on my phone and I just got kinda sad I guess. I thought about going home but I felt I should push a bit harder at all of this and so I decided to head up to my favorite indoor photo spot and take some photos. For the most part it was an uneventful shoot. I haven’t looked at the shots yet but I hope some turned out OK.
My phone went off and a friend of mine invited me to join him and his wife for a late night dessert so I did join them. We had a nice visit. It is most interesting being able to converse with them about our regular friendship parts all the while I am in “Kim” mode. As we were leaving my friends wife did mention that she liked my new wig.
So…who do you believe. Whom do you believe. What do you believe.
I guess there will be another day. Another time. Another adventure.
If you read this far, thank you for indulging my thoughts tonight.
Love
Kim