I am a self-taught brain surgeon, a World Champion Bluegrass Dobro player and an Electrical Engineer. I have been a Dolphin Trainer at SeaWorld. While there, in my spare time I taught Mariah Carey how to make that noise. I earned highest GPA ever at McDonald's Hamburger University where they endowed a chair in my honor and named a McJob after me. One of my plays won a Pulitzer Prize and I was runner up for an Oscar one year for one of my many screenplays. I have changed a diaper, planed an invasion, butchered a hog, conned a ship, designed a building, written a sonnet, balanced my checkbook (once), built a wall, strung 10 miles of barbed wire, set a bone, comforted the dying, taken orders, given orders, cooperated, acted alone, solved equations, analyzed a new problem, pitched manure, programed a computer, cooked a Cordon Bleu meal, fought effectively, and plan to die gallantly. I let forty two blue-tick hound dogs lick me all over seven times. I signed up with the fourteen best trade unions I could find. I woke up a lot of mornings and didn't know where I was. I've been disgusted; I've been busted and I couldn't be trusted. I got the fever, sun stroke, malaria, blue moonstruck, skeeter bit, poison ivy, the seven year itch and the blind staggers. I drink only tap water and have never bought bottled water in my life. I despise the metric system simply because it is French and I am therefore proudly six feet tall and plan to be buried six feet under when I die.