Sept 5, 2020:

 

Housecleaning!

 

I've been remiss in removing empty profile followers who, regardless of name, are obviously people who kinda creep me out by their comments.

 

I don't understand... why join a photo sharing site and not post pics? That's a Buffalo Bill level of creepiness!

 

...and I am NOT going to get dropped a pit to be some dude's skinsuit... or more realistically... having some stalker show up on my doorstep with a gallon of lube under his sweaty arm and a tent in his pants because I hearted his comment.

 

ewwwwwwwww! *I have to shower and scrub at the thought!*

 

I'm also eliminating as many "look at my manly meat from the same damn angle... but 50 times!"

 

... it's just like going into the meat section of the market and seeing the turkey necks lined up...who actually eats them?

 

And finally...The dudes who keep messaging me and expressing with great detail how they are going to sweep me off my heels, physically ravage me, and take me away to be their lady... because 30 seconds spent in front of their screen tossing one off, a reply to their comment and me not being rude is somehow a connection.

 

I have some close connections on Flickr. All Women.

I have a very limited group of men I flirt with because they don't creep me out... and they use more than adjectives from the predictive text.

 

So cleaning... then I'll take off the jeans and old top and take some pics in something flity for my amazing girlfriends and those polite, non-cock displaying, hopefully not stalking men .

  

Sept 3, 2020:

 

First off, my pic was chosen as the cover photo for the transpeople group, and you just need to look at my smiling pics to get an idea of just how elated I am!

 

Now, to the point of today's entry.

 

We all have different roads, sexual orientations, different styles (heels or flats, skirts or pants, goth or sophisticated) and different goals to when we will be content.

 

That makes learning who we are a challenge.

 

I went through my youth, my 20s (and now the 30s ) trying to hide what my small town upbringing called deviance; what my friends and family saw as weird; what my own heart saw an escape from my life I hated.

 

I was embarrassed that I wasn't like the other guys. While they talked about "guy stuff" I joined in and said the words, played the sports, had hook ups with the cute girls and tried to erase Tanya so I could just fit in and be "normal"

 

I got married, thinking that being a husband and father would keep my brain busy and I could put Tanya away.

 

Divorce happened. All my relationships ended the same way: My partner realizing I was never "there" as I spent my time in my head, and was rarely present.

 

I then finally "came out" to my second wife. She wasn't happy, but decided I could dress and play with her as Tanya... and we started going to fetish parties (her, the domme, me, her maid) ... it was great to dress up in a protected, but public setting, and I felt free for the occasional weekend... but felt empty once the weekend was over.

 

We divorced... because in the end, my ex-2 wanted a partner that was focused on her... not in their head. We are still great friends, and she even bought me a skirt recently because "Tanya will love this!"

 

I kept playing the male in public, and spent every free moment as Tanya, trying to placate my family, maintain a decent job, and trying to find a balance.

 

We all have that moment.

That moment where we realize that we need to love ourselves before we can love another.

 

5 years ago (a rough estimate) I started counseling.

I came to the realization of who I am over those 5 years.

 

I know I'm normal.

normal is knowing who you are, and moving forward.

 

Normal isn't gay, straight, male, female, etc...

 

Normal is fitting into your own skin and head.

 

Fuck the Abrahamic norms forced on us in this society.

 

we are who we are and we need to accept that.

 

I do. I'm trans, no big deal. I'm working on coming out.... it's a road I've diverted from for my entire life, but all those side paths keep coming back to the same road every time.

 

I have no defined timeline... it's one step at a time down the right path.

 

We all need to find that right path and yellow brick road our way down it.

 

Get out those ruby slippers bitches!

  

August 21, 2020:

 

So. I just had a blow up on a wonderfully obtuse misogynist who thouģht correcting me and my lifestyle was an option.

  

Here is my response to him telling me NOT to "go all the way" MTF and his bullshit xenophobia posing as critique

  

 

Mike:

The Abrahamic religions have been the enemy of all non binary people. Just because some if the trio are "less evil" in their interactions due to social conventions doesn't mean they are acceptable.

Just because YOU accept them does not mean I should, and saying Trio is a misnomer, then admitting Islam is part of the trio contradicts your primary comment.

Any belief system that elevates men over women, creates social stigma/persecution for non binary folk, and believes that people like me can be "cured" is fucking bad.

I took Theology as a minor, and it "cured" me of religion... not that there was much to fix cognitively.

 

I do plan (at this point) to go "all the way" because I have loathed my genitalia since childhood... they are a constant reminder that I came with the wrong equipment for my brain.

I find it fucking insulting that you have the audacity to TELL me not to do what I intend to do after years...YEARS of research and counseling. .. because you have an anecdotal instance of one friend who is (in your opinion) an egg short of a dozen.

 

I'm NOT some dumb airhead (I have a degree and working on my Masters)

I'm NOT your experimental fuck toy.

I'm NOT in any way, shape or form subservient to you!

Normally I'd just block you and delete all your comments, but this response is staying up, and being noted in my About me section. so others know that If I chose to be subservient to anyone... it's because I want to role play - not because I was made to.

 

You are the type of "faux-progressive" that incites my ire because you experimented for a bit and assume you are an expert on my life, my choices, my beliefs.

 

get bent.

 

August 8, 2020:

 

Posing-Walking-Sitting....

 

I'm not a professional model by any means, but I do study body behavior.

Girls, most of us want to pass as women, regardless of our psychological, genetic and sexual positions.

Manspreading ... just no; unless your intention is sexual. Crossed ankles, one knee over the other, both knees parallel, sitting sideways with knees parallel - do this.

 

Hands. Men don't have delicate hand gestures. Fists on the hip are a dead giveaway. Crossed arms are aggressively defensive. Hands on hips, fingers forward is masculine. Try shoulders back, a hand on hip, thumb forward, the opposite hand arm down, bent at elbow (as if carrying a purse), and loose wrist.

 

Face: head up. show your neck, tilt your head a little (not a lot, you look like you just broke your neck). Chin down creates a false double chin, looks aggressive, and doesn't show YOU off. Partial profile- face on pics (GUILTY here) show every bit of male genetics. Big eyes : open your eyes! show all that effort you spent on eyeliner, shadow, eyelashes! Damn! Your eyes will say soooooo much!

SMILE! or smirk, grin.... too many if us try to be runway models and fail horribly... because we aren't runway models! a smile softens the face, relaxes the viewer and helps the illusion we want to create.

 

Duck lips are waaaaay overdone... try an open eyed, head tilted smile.

 

STANDING- cross your legs, turn a foot sideways for balance and to show off that wicked pair of heels, partial profile, shoulders back (see above for hand placement). NO straight on pics unless you look so femme that you don't need ANY advice! No fists, no leaning forward!

 

Oh dear Jebus... walking. Stop --- STOP walking with your shoulders swaying like an aggressive gorilla! STOP walking in heels like you are off on a mission to save New York! STOP swinging both arms like fisty pendulums!

Wear heels you can actually stand in (Your balance is important, more important than wearing your fave platforms that will break your ankles if you take a step on carpet, a Lego, a slight incline, an invisible cat). Walk as if you are walking a tightrope, crisscrossing your legs (You will instantly develop that sexy wiggle that with practice and comfort, can be enhanced to sexpot levels). DON'T move your shoulders... they are frozen in place, set back... seriously... do NOT move them! All your efforts to be femme are done like dinner, the illusion is over, the man behind the curtain exposed! Your upper arms are ALSO frozen at your sides. bend them at the elbow or the wrist. The wrist looks best dropped down (with bent elbows) or turned up... not straight out. If your arm is completely straight, turn the wrist out to your side.

Women have a different center of balance, male balance is at the chest, women at the hips. walk from the hips, don't stride, don't strut, don't heel-to-toe step, don't scuffle.

Short steps, crisscross (as the tightrope example above), try to place your heel and toe together every step to develop a habit of not driving your heel first... unless you enjoy breaking your stilettos and your ankles (I don't know you... that might be your "thing" -but I doubt it).

 

I hope this helps you. It's information I've gleaned over the years that has really helped my confidence and passing.

 

Happy Saturday Girls!

I love all of you!

 

T.

  

August 2, 2020:

 

It's "YOU'RE beautiful" not "YOUR beautiful".

Boys, flirting online with an English major is probably not your forté if you are incapable if that distinction.

Yes, I know I'm cute.

Yes, I know I dress sexy.

Yes, I know you like redheads, or you wouldn't have followed me.

Want a hint?

Don't post pics of your junk. It's gross, and none of you so far have grasped the concept of lighting, shadows or any other fundamentals of photography when selfie-ing your (not you're)block and tackle.

I shave before I show my legs... do me the same courtesy.

short statements may indicate a lazy shotgun effort to get a woman to talk to you... you comment on a cornucopia of pics with a simple cut and paste banality-compliment and hope one of us squeals in glee at the attention and drops between your thighs to gulp down on your (not you're) insubstantial, and unmaintained phallus.

Be polite.

compliment the outfit.

say something witty.

 

... and learn the fundamentals of English.

 

T.

 

July 26, 2020:

 

Sorry about this TLDR diatribe... I go off on tangents and rant.

 

Illusion. We all want to pass, not be clocked, not be outed... just dress and be girly without some cis-hetero asshat making a scene and creating a situation that amplifies the anxiety and fear many feel in public already.

 

Because our society has a long way to go.

 

Women can dress like men and it's deemed okay...today.

 

misogyny and fear.

 

the Abrahamic Trio of religions have molded a society that has a very recent history of killing non-binary folk for a variety of excuses, but it always comes back to fear and the male assumption they should dominate (because a bunch of shepards and fishermen said so).

 

I hate going out and having to triple check my makeup, outfit choice and do a voice check to make sure I have "Tanya" on speed dial...

Don't mistake me, I LOVE dressing to impress... I just hate that I have to be the Ethan Hunt of illusion to ensure I don't get clocked... because it can have catastrophic consequences.

 

Because being trans/CD/Genderfluid etcetera is enough to incite some cis-hetero males to lash out.

 

Because: They are afraid to admit attraction to a male presenting as female, a female (assigned male at birth) presenting as female, or even an effeminate male... because they have been raised to believe that we want to fuck all of them (as if we didn't have standards), and emasculate them.

 

toxic masculinity A lot of my followers who NEVER read this blog and toss load after load on my pics probably justify it because they are jerking it to an illusion.

These same tossers would buy me a drink at the bar and try to convince me that I "owe them a dance" or after a few drinks, a blowjob.

 

Because even when I'm not outed, many men figure booze and food are payments for sex (gotta admit, it is a time honoured tradition going back to at least the Neanderthals)...

 

Now if they know I'm Trans ... you know the guys- the "Tranny-chasers" ... they just tend to expect me to give it up and thank them for being "progressive" with a blowjob.

 

it's all toxic masculinity.

 

I don't dress for them.

I dress for me... and that cute lesbian who wants to shack up and share closets one day.

 

But: I am aware of the men. I know what power and privilege society and religion has given them.

I know my existence and yours threatens their egos and misconceptions on authority.

They are afraid of us.

 

They are afraid they may like a trans.

They are afraid they may like anal.

They are afraid they may be gay/bi/anything but dominant hetero

They are afraid to be interested in a "assigned male" presenting as female, because to them... it's all gay

 

But most if all, they are afraid that the other cis-heteros will find out about their non-hetero interests.

 

...and in the end, that's where it gets dangerous for us.

 

to be continued...

 

T

  

July 25, 2020:

 

Wigs.

curly, wavy, straight, short, long, synthetic, real hair etc ad nauseum.

 

I love wearing them because they give me the basis for new makeup, outfits to match (yes, I am that girl: start at the top and work down).

 

I have (at my most accurate count) 67 wigs. 42 of them are red.

 

...I think my subconscious was telling me something.

 

so, redhead it is.

 

side note: buy quality wigs. costume wigs look cheap and unless you are cosplaying (which is fun -don't judge me!), you look like you are wearing a wig.

 

I buy mine through a variety of retailers and look for full lace fronts and usually human hair.

They last way longer; long enough that the money spent on cheap wigs instead would easily have paid for the great wig.

They style better.

They wash better.

They fit better.

Their hairline is invisible to all but a pro if you put them on properly and glue them.

 

I have learned that there is nothing positive on the cheap wigs side...

 

So, do yourself a favour sisters! Good wigs, and dear Jebus; please watch how women walk, stand, pose, sit!

...strutting from the shoulders, standing like a drill sergeant, hands on your junk and manspreading make you look like dudes in skirts.

 

If you want to pass, to be considered femme, you need to put the time in and study.

 

and buy quality wigs... and makeup, and clothing... oh- don't cheap out on heels either... sigh- you'll learn about cheap heels.

 

now enjoy the rest of the weekend and treat yourself!

 

Tanya.

 

July 24, 2020: EDIT for segue at the end.

 

I love cloths.

I love doing my makeup

I love being me...

But...

I looooooove heels.

seriously. I would shiv a girl over a killer pair of stilettos!

 

Nothing makes me more aware and happy being a woman than dressing up and slipping into 4"+heels. I fucking love it (swearing for emphasis and... because it's fun).

 

Just thought I'd let everyone know that your Christian Louboutins are not safe around me.

 

T.

 

ADDITIONAL! Segue Alert!

 

Is it a full moon or something? I have had well over 40 messages offering me cash and/or clothing from anonymous profiles since last night.

Boys... I don't do porn.

I will wear sexy outfits and heels if you want to buy them. I'll post pics and thank you.

 

End ADDITIONAL!

 

T.

 

July 23, 2020:

 

If you're reading this- congratulations! You're probably interested in my brain, or possibly you're a stalker who is a wee bit obsessed (I believe I have 30+ not-yet-creepy-but-getting-there males who try to use the info in this blog as a way to hilariously think they can change my preferences... because I haven't had THEIR cock in me yet... sigh, that magic phallus seems to belong to a lot of chasers! 😉)

 

What I have learned about my eventual gender affirmation:

 

You need to be positive, 100 percent positive. You should research what level of affirmation surgery you are content with, and what the costs are. You need to see a psychologist who specializes in your needs. You need to talk to others who are transitioning or have done so. You have to be prepared to tell your loved ones and co-workers...

 

It isn't a magic pill either. You may be happy to transition (I am ecstatic/excited/scared about it), but if you aren't emotionally and mentally ready, you will be a distressed and depressed woman with underlying issues you probably hid from your doctor.

 

Read, research, talk, research more, get counseling, build a support network, be ready for a long journey ( The doctors aren't Alladin's genie... which sucks) where you get on T-blockers and Estrogen... for life.

 

I even looked at my kinks, to be sure they weren't subconsciously affecting my decision process ( they weren't - and I kept the cuffs 😁... ya never know!)

 

There is so much to do and information is everywhere now... be sure, be positive, be you.

 

To all of you facing the process, I love you, I hope you realize your goals, and know that we all need a helping hand and a shoulder to cry on. Don't give up.

 

love to all,

 

T.

  

July 20, 2020:

 

I love dressing enfemme. It's that feeling of Christmas morning combined with the butterflies that accompany that first love.

It elicits a feeling of completeness and joy in me.

I am no longer that dull, drab, cock-laden over-compensating male.

 

I'm a feminine poet of fancy.

I'm an awakened dreamer.

I'm unmasked by masking.

I'm the storm of my heart,

...a crying of sirens freed to sing, to dance...

 

...to breathe.

 

only to once more shutter the windows,

struggling into ill-fitting armour,

then wipe my face of the depth within...

gasping through the miasma of existing

...drowning in my skin.

 

I'm not depressed btw. I am just waxing poetic on my perpetual status as a buffering human.

 

luv

 

T.

  

July 15, 2020:

 

I find myself amidst a flood of porn on Flickr. What is it that encourages so many to show off their genitalia in the TV/TS/CD world?

I understand that many use their femme side as a sexual construct to facilitate their erotic fantasies.

 

I don't.

 

I dress up enfemme because I feel good doing so. I feel that I am just expressing who I really am.

 

Sexual titillation really has little or nothing to do with it.

 

I don't kink shame. You do you. I have my own kink that I dont share beyond innuendo because my sex life (or enhancement of) isn't why I post pics.

 

I am just amazed how many of us post pics of genitalia. Exhibitionism? validation? advertising?

 

Sorry folks. it won't happen from me. I don't even want (and won't) post pics of my drawers and closets, which there have been a strangely large amount of requests for.

 

Here, you get me in whatever outfits I want to play with.

  

July 10, 2020:

 

I am one of 6 brothers and 2 sisters.

 

No, my parents aren't Catholic... dad just couldn't figure out how a condom works 😉

 

I am number seven of 8. I grew up where the white trash roots are deep and immutable.

 

I grew up in rural Canada. I learned to chop wood, hunt, survival train, operate a chainsaw and how to gut and clean what we killed hunting. I trained in martial arts (black belt in two of them), played sports, and heard every homophobic/transphobic/racist/bigoted joke every contrived by the middling minds of the "grassroots community"... and stole my sister's pretty spring dresses to wear when nobody was around (with ten people in the house... not often).

 

I shot guns while wanting to be playing with the sewing machine, mom's Singer that I recently inherited.

My sisters sewed. Boys shot guns.

 

One day I was sick, and my mom was sewing while the rest of the clan was out being "grassrooty" somewhere; I asked to help.

Mom let me.

Mom showed me how to thread the needle, load a bobbin, and adjust the tension on her old Singer.

We made pajamas for my siblings that day.

 

A few weeks later, Mom was sewing again, and I asked to help. Dad was very Lee Marvin about that request and said something akin to his boy not being a fairy.

 

Mom however, let me help again... possibly to simply spite Dad, but it became an occasional-more-often-than-my-sister's thing with mom.

 

Mom taught me French seams, darts, pleats, how to follow patterns, how to make my own patterns, until I reached a point where I began to correct her.

 

Over the years, that sick day opened me up to be able to stand against norms when needed. I began to openly show my poetry, my short stories, joined choir and the drama club.

I stopped hunting

I stopped sports (except hockey... I still love hockey)

I stopped competing in martial arts and used them to stay in shape.

 

... and made a collection of outfits over the years with a variety of sewing machines from Singers to Janomes.

 

And when mom got a state-of-the-art super sewing machine last month... guess who got the old Singer? Mom just gave it to me an hour ago... To the indignance of my eldest sister, the evangelical hate monger who already hates me because I "might be gay" and have rainbows littering my home 😁

 

It's a decoration. My travel machine is a thousand times better... but it's a symbol of when I started to realize that I wasn't a fit with the male role, and I love it.

 

When I come out openly to the fam (some assume, one brother knows) it's going to be with an outfit from that machine.

  

July 4, 2020:

 

Independence Day in the USA.

Apparently that means getting a flood of emails from incels in basements who are most likely shaking their manhood like a ketchup bottle with a dollop remaining.

 

Look boys, I am resigned that you used my images to facilitate your perpetual independence and kept you from shooting up a nightclub.

 

I do take issue with you sending me emails telling me how you plan to fuck me... because you never read my profile (or, if your emails were any example, incapable of reading polysyllables) , and you are unaware that your man-dangles need to be groomed, you need to be hot-as-fuck, and your overall come-on not make me feel like a date will end up with me in a hole and you lowering lotion to me.

 

Read further dudebros/lobsters/incels... read my rules.

Feel free to toss off a load on your screen to my pics... It's your Independence Day.

 

Don't move forward and think that your ejaculation to my pics means we spent an intimate moment and the next step is you telling me about how you wish to Manifest Destiny ... I'll block you faster than your country did Cuba.

 

Don't tell me how to change my look in the comments. I'm not here to impress you and enhance your lotion-and-forearm workout. I'll tell you off or just block you.

 

Thank you, enjoy your celebration of public disobedience, protest and looting... by condemning those doing it now.

👄

  

July 3, 2020:

 

I'm not using Flickr as a dating app. I can find a date or sex or manipulate myself quite well on my own.

I don't "meet"

I will visit friends I make online... but "meet" implies sex.

I'm NOT that type of person.

When I post risque photos and toss out some subtle (and not-too-subtle) innuendo... I am expressing myself and at times flashing my Swiftian wit.

  

July 3, 2020:

 

I am loving the recent surge in attention to my pics, as I have been working very hard to tweak my makeup and learn from an absolute pro who used to do makeup for models and actors... she's been trying to teach me for years... but I was only moderately attentive.😁

I also realize that I will get followers that are just creeping on TG/TV/CDs and assume that we are in some way desperate for their attention... because why else would we post racy pictures and/or get dolled up in sexy outfits and heels if we weren't desperate for some rando's block & tackle?

1: I have tried sex with a good looking, attentive and progressive man... it was very - meh.

2: I have had sex with a gorgeous Pre- op MTF ... It was a lot more enjoyable.

3: I have had sex with a damn cute post-op MTF... It was as good or better than all the sex I've had with biological women

4: I still have sex with women, and I will even if/when I transition... but men... he would have to be smoking hot, GROOMED, and respectful (ie: not the type of dudebro who creeps pages like mine)... and NOT think of me as a dude in a dress, but a woman who deserves the same respect as anyone.

 

This being said, I love having the building followers list and the likes... but I am blocking any male whose profile is:

1: empty

2: has pictures of his junk

3: talks to me like I'm some fuck toy

4: offers me money/gifts for naked pics and/or sex (Yes, that is happening at least once every few days now).

 

Now, if a man wants to buy me something like clothing or heels... I'll gladly model them here as long as he hasn't broken my rules above.

 

Treat me with respect, or I will block you!

 

The rest of you galactically awesome commenters and Flickr friends... I adore you! please keep commenting, I love to learn and share with you!

  

June 24, 2020:

 

I've never understood why so many men think that posting pics of their hairy, semi-flaccid junk is in any way attractive.

 

It's gross.

 

If I was going to even entertain taking a gander at their equipment, I would expect some serious manscaping to be done.

 

...If.

 

I have well maintained gear in larger size...and I want it gone! Think about that oh "look at my manly meat" displayers!

 

There is no way any respectable (and disrespectable) woman wants a barrage of images depicting an inability to operate a razor, a cream, and shower.

 

I am thoroughly grossed out and embarrassed for you... because one of us should be.

 

June 23,2020:

 

I've been looking into SRS and going forward. I spent quite a while offline dealing with other TG friends and volunteering with the Pride society, and the stories I've heard are inspiring. I love all of you struggling with the decisions whether to transition or not. You are all valid, you are you no matter what others tell you to be, or declare you are. be brave, be you, validate yourself if nobody else will!

 

💋❤💋❤

  

CD/possible trans.... really considering it as I find myself far more "me" dressed than not. I love to dress up with friends when possible! love leather, lace, and satin! Oh, and all heel 4 inches and higher!

 

And just to make it abundantly clear... I am NOT... EVER...a dominant... please stop asking me.

 

I do love spending time with other CDs, trans etc for drinks and other girly stuff that my mundane male life doesn't allow me to do.

 

Dec29/17

 

Another year gone by.

still single

my job keeps me busy 6-7 days a week, 10-12 hours a day...

thus...fewer pics.

I'm looking forward to Pride in Vancouver BC this year... sooooooo going public!

 

Another thing I've regrettably noticed is the astounding number of repulsive males who think that posting a pic of their hairy, substandard equipment will get them a shot with a CD/Trans...

guys... if it doesn't work with cis-women... why the fuck do you think it'll work here?