LAB RATS WANTED.

If you're still continuing to read then you're either very altruistic, masochistic or just plain inquisitive! Alright then, here goes: You're looking at a self-confessed control freak with very low tolerance for boredom. In my spare time I collect friends and maintain family that double up as lab mice, have a wicked sense of humour or occasionally dabble in psychoanalysis like me. When my short attention span is not occupied I ponder about this wretched planet and indulge in armchair travelling. Ok, ok there are some redeeming factors on Earth; like my favourite tracklists: Airplanes Flying Dangerously Low Overhead (vol. 1) and Traffic Jam Cacophony - The Greatest Hits. For a real movie-type treat I stay up in the dead of the night to catch the endless re-runs of home shopping network ads. I especially love to evaluate all the different types of indoor exercise equipment, slimming gels, home implements like the Abdomenizer, Juice Tiger, Dustbuster, et cetera. I whet my appetite for reading with product warranty handbooks. As for sporting pursuits - I run the odd race with garden snails and Im proud to say I swim faster than any water-tick around.

I have a penchant for long sentences (as if you didn't already notice) and am hopelessly good at writing rubbish tending somewhat towards the cynical side. My most underrated abilities are to whip up a fancy meal of canned mung beans and this one by far: I outdid every other contestant in a spitting contest. And the other 2 contestants were llamas.

I'm currently enrolled in "Office Politicking for Beginners" while simultaneously promoting consumerism and subliminal message advertising.

I'd like to say I have blue plastic raffia-type hair; orange, glow-in-the-dark bug eyes and neon-green epidermis... so if you're open-minded enough you'll disregard my anomalies! But out of respect for my friends and family maybe I should stick to convention. So: 100% carbon-based homo sapien, opposable thumbs, with rest of the digits and limbs intact. Mental and other faculties are still pretty much functional.

I'm extremely selective and will only befriend green-skinned peoples. If you volunteer to be a lab rat and if time affords, wish to convince me that there are other pleasures in life other than conducting my mindless experiments, please email with glamorous but redundant details for my personal intellectual edification. Or just throw me a funny bone to pick at. Or accuse me of all these insipid lies and demand the truth.

Enough said for this recruitment ad.