I am putting this first as it is probably the only bit you will read, if at all. If you think you recognise me, or have been told about me from my former career either act like an adult and accept that this is who I am or you can just f**k off. If you want to contact me then do, but if it just to be abusive then don't bother, and if you are going to talk about me to others then don't be surprised if one of them will be an adult and tell me. It is my life and I will lead it the way I want and it is none of your business what I do, it is not affecting you.

If however you are also someone who has a femme side and want to share it or you just want to show some support, then please get in contact and I will happily reply.

Update April 2021

So we are about to start come out of yet another (and hopefully last) Lockdown so hopefully things will improve for everyone and we can start to slowly get back out and about and meet our friends again.

The last year has been difficult and I was keeping head above water generally until recently. I had a couple of nasty incidents which have really hit me and caused me to rethink everything to do with who I am. Long story short as a result of a post to show support on Transgender Day Of Visibility I was talking to a couple of transgender women, one of whom I thought was friend of mine, and during this conversation I was accused of being a fraud, fake, a coward as I am not out to everyone, and nothing more than a man in a dress. I had a similar sort of conversation/comments from another transgender woman. This coupled with the fact that had my world not been turned upside down in 2014 when I lost my long term career, I would have retired now and so would be able to do what I liked and be who I wanted to be this all hit me very hard.

I don't generally let comments like these get to me as usually they are from transphobes and so they are water of a duck's back, but these came from people from within the same community that I thought I was a member of. I have defined myself as Genderfluid for sometime now and this is generally accepted as a being under the trans community umbrella but there are those within the community that feel that unless you are on the waiting list for surgery you have no right to call yourself trans and that you are just a fetishist, and it is this that has given me the biggest kick in the guts. Having spent the better part of 40 years plus wrestling with my gender and like many denying it and suppressing it, I had felt that I had come to a good place mentally with it all and in the last few years I had got my confidence back after losing everything in 2014, I have met some amazing people and have been going out and about socially and feeling content with who I was. I am not out to everyone but more people know about Janet than ever before, but apparently according to some if you are not out and living it 24/7 you are just deluded and are playing at it. Everyone's situation and journey is different and many of us have reasons for not being out and full time, even if it is to the detriment to our own mental well being, as sometimes it is necessary to put others first. In my case I know that my family would not be accepting of it, and this was reaffirmed over Easter. As a result of these two unpleasant conversation I spent a number of sleepless nights battling with my own demons and trying to decide what to do. As you can see from my previous update I was outed to ex work colleagues when someone found my Instagram profile and recognised me. Despite the feeling of dread and fear that this brought on at the time I was surprised by the response I had received from one or two people who made the effort to contact me, but this was pretty safe situation as having left that world behind I was not likely to meet any of those people again and so not have to deal with any backlash, but my family and close friends are a different matter.

As a child I was, like many I am sure, caught a couple of times dressing by my parents. I was thoroughly told off by my mother and whilst it was put down to being a young child (probably about 7 or 8 the first couple of times) and so put down to being young I was told in no uncertain terms not to do it again. This set the tone for my understand of how the world viewed what I was doing and fixed in my mind that I was not accepted or supported by my family. I was caught again a number of years later in my teens and on this occasion with the intervention of my dad (which was a surprise) I narrowly avoided being thrown out for this sort of "deviant behaviour" as my mother called it. So as you can imagine the concept of being out to my family was one that was put very much into a box and locked away. First forward to Easter and having had time to dwell on all that had been said to me and how my life was "modified by fear" which I do not deny it has been, I decided that as times have changed from the 70's and 80's and trans matters are far more in the open and public eye maybe I can revisit the idea with my family.

After a number of sleepless nights and days of feeling very low and just sitting curled up in a ball in my living room I came to the decision to try and broach the subject with my mother as I was going to visit her on Easter Sunday (I am her support bubble). Well lets just say it didn't go well. I brought the subject up in a roundabout way by using things like Drag Race to gauge some level of reaction and then moved on to other subjects on and around LGBTQ+ issues. I was basically met with the same sort of reaction as I had been many years ago, that it was deviant behaviour and she even brought up the two occasions I had been caught and that thank goodness she had been able to stop me turning out like that. Discretion being the better part of valour I decided to leave it at that and change the subject. Since then I have be running this through my head over and over again, should I be brave and have the courage of my convictions and just come out and see where the chips fall or should I just keep quiet and stay in the closet to my family and wait until I can be back out with my friends in a non judgmental environment where I can be me.

My mother is the only parent I have left since my father died 16 years ago, and with her being 86 years old she is not going to be around for too much longer. Whilst I have a couple of brothers, both of whom have their own families and problems, I don't think I would get a much better reaction from them either. Am I better off leaving things as they are and "living a lie" or possibly destroying what time I have left with my mother so as to satisfy the opinion of people from the community that I believe I am part of or just stay as I am where at least I was happy. Since Lockdown I have been working pretty much entirely from home and so have been able to be me pretty much every day even if I haven't glammed up all the time reverting only to a male persona to do the one day at work I do in the office and the weekly shopping trip to deliver food to my mother. I have felt content and I believe that this is what has allowed me to get through this past 12 months living alone during lockdown, but now even this has been brought into question as a result of my attempt to show my visible support for the community I thought I belong to or at very least was an allie for.

Right now at the time of writing I have taken the decision to come off social media so as to avoid any further unnecessary triggers, while I try and work through this. I have left everything here on Flickr for the time being as this is a completely different environment to Facebook and Instagram, but who knows I might come off here too.

I have a large number of "friends" online that I have made as Janet many of whom I have met in real life prior to Covid, yet right now none of them have even noticed that I have removed my photo from my profiles and replaced it with a simple black square, or removed my photos from my feed. Not one of those who I have lent a supportive hand to has contacted me to check I am ok or even commented on the new image. I guess that tells its own story, that perhaps I am not a member of a community at all. I am normally a strong individual and don't let these things get to me, I am normally the one reaching out to my friends when they post something that shows they might be struggling, or just needing a chat. I am the one who has extended the hand of friendship and support during this lockdown to help keep people from spiralling downwards as a result of the isolation we are all experiencing, yet when it is me that could do with a little support and a helping hand none of them even notice or reach out. This just tells me that perhaps I am a fraud and not worthy of being part of a community at all.

Writing this update ios partly to explain to anyone who reads this (not that I think many do) why I am not about much right now, and partly in the hope that it will be cathartic and help me see more clearly what I should do, and who I am. Only time will tell I guess. Even in the very darkest times I have had in the past I have been able to get through, mainly by being able to escape the real world for a bit and be the inner woman that I have always known I have, but now this happily place is under attack from those that I would have hoped would understand and support someone from their own community or if not part of the community but an allie to it, but right now it would seem that is not the case and so perhaps now is a time to crawl back into the closet and withdraw from the world to consider more carefully who I am. Will I come out again as the world reemerges from Covid? Who knows I guess time will tell. But for anyone reading this thank you for bothering. I may or may not see you on the other side of all of this.

Update Sometime in 2020

Well this year has been a real doozy hasn't it? Started off well had a few more visits out and about and had Sparkle lined up for the summer and it all went downhill from there. Covid hit and we are all stuck indoors, and events getting cancelled all over the place. Nothing anyone can do about it other than take precautions and learn to live with the new norm.

On a personal level it hasn't been a great year so far either, family member diagnosed with a nasty form of Prostate cancer, which caused a health scare for myself which fortunately was nothing and currently I am in the clear but need to keep an eye on it. The lack of getting out and about has also taken a little bit of a toll on my well-being, but I am sure with things improving with lockdowns being lifted and restrictions being reduced that I will get out again soon, and get a chance to meet up with my friends.

Talking of well-being I was also outed to my ex-work colleagues as someone found my Instagram profile, certainly caused a moment or two of heart flutters, and then I decided that since I am not in that profession anymore and I don't really speak to any of them anymore who gives a shit. A couple of them contacted me to let me know and to be fair to them they were very supportive. I was going to re-write my entire profile as a result as I was worried about what they might think, but then I though, firstly they can't read or probably wouldn't bother reading it anyway, and secondly, f**k it, it is my profile and my life and it is who I am, warts and all so I have left it as it is.

I did have to speak to a couple of close ex-colleagues and tell them about me, as I wanted them to hear it from me first, and again they were fine with it. Since then another person has popped out of the woodwork who was told by a friend of a friend and turns out they dress as well, It's a funny old world really, I just wish that my family and the world at large would be just as supportive, but let's not go there right now.

All in all a funny old year so far, ups and downs but I am thankful that I am alive and that I have a roof over my head and a job.

Update November 2019

So this year has been another good year of being me, meeting others and making friends. Regular visits to the LFF and another visit to Sparkle this year have contributed to my overall well being. I look forward to even more fun and outings in 2020. I am very grateful to all those lovely people I have met since my rebirth and I look forward to making even more new friends.

Update September 2018.

I have been to my first Leeds First Friday and had a great time just being out and about and meeting loads of lovely people. Leeds is a great city and very accepting. It has given me even more confidence to be the person I am inside. I am looking to make more friends closer to home and get out and about more in 2019.

Update July 2018

So after over 20 years of staying indoors Janet is now starting to venture out into the real world again. Small steps but steps nonetheless. Perhaps an element of Cinderella happening although not really one for going to balls.

Thanks to a special friend (she knows who she is) who convinced me to go to Sparkle 2018 I now have the confidence, and desire to get back out there so I look forward to doing just that and perhaps meeting some of my friends (or should I say those I stalk here on Flickr LOL) in the future as I get back out and about.

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I am a 52 yr old TGirl, who grew up admiring the way women deal with the riggers of looking after the home and family as well as working. Especially those who do the jobs that many ignore, like the humble cleaner.

Whilst some might see my desire to be of use to others in a menial role as a fetish it is not, it is born from my past and my respect for those who look after others. It is what shaped me into who I am today and had some bearing on my career. It is not the entire me, but it is a part. I see myself as a humble individual who likes to help out in her own way by doing the things that others either do not want to do or have no time to do, such as the cleaning. But like anyone who has a job it does not occupy their entire life (well generally anyway ) and so I also enjoy downtime when I like to just relax and have some me time, whether that be at home or going out with friends (although I could do with more local friends as most of them live a good distance away) and just being me.

Yes it is true I enjoy nothing more than getting into an overall and doing the cleaning and household chores, getting on my hands and knees and scrubbing floors and doing general household duties as I find it very relaxing. Whilst this is mainly my own housework I have cleaned for others in the past and have also worked as a commercial office cleaner way back when earning a small amount of money but gaining and immense amount of satisfaction knowing I had done my job. I would love to have another part-time cleaning job so if you are in need of a cleaner for household or even office cleaning then let me know. 😉

My childhood, like many, was where it all started and I have gone through periods of minor dysphoria and again like many tried to shut these feelings away but I was only able to do so for so long before they would surface again. It is obviously who I am.

I have been married (and still technically am albeit having been separated for over 10 years) and whilst I came out to her she never understood it and whilst being supportive and buying me things she never wanted to be part of Janet's life. Before you ask it was not the reason we separated, that was entirely down to me having a mid life crisis, but we are now the best of friends but Janet is not, and will not, be part of that friendship as far as I can see.

I am happy with who I am currently and with the new found confidence I will be able to express who I am more in the future and hope to make new friends and explore the wide world from a new perspective. I am also a keen photographer and so I hope to be able to combine this with my Janet time and I am more than happy to take other girls photos, as after all what girl doesn't like to have her photo taken?

Please do not judge me solely on what is written here or my photographs, favourites or groups we are all complex human beings and I believe we have the right not to be judged without fair examination so if you want to know something just ask and I would prefer it if you get to know me a little first before you draw your conclusions.

Janet x