as a child i was a highly trained and skilled trapeze artist in a family of circus clowns. i grew to be the star of the french circus. known on stage as l'étoile brillante, my seltzer squirting siblings became jealous of my talents and conspired to kill me during one sunday matinee. le diable the fire eater, my secret love and true friend, overheard my family as they plotted to cut my ropes. he determined that very moment to hide me safely away from those red-nosed, big-footed traitors in the country. it was during my new life on the farm that i discovered that i was a natural at the cow's teet. the joy of my new found occupation lead me to yodel the sweetest song one has ever heard. this was a song so angelic it made the cows give sweet cream the very moment i pulled up my little 3 legged stool and took a yank. to this day i enjoy a bucolic lifestyle, picking daisies and weaving them into delicate chains which i gently place around the necks of local livestock and small weiner dogs.