1973 Born-ed. El Salvador. Small country in big-turbulent times. Raised by 4, then 3 and kept 2 to love. 1982 kidnapped on the run from humiliation. now just 3 of us, 2 parents left behind to fend for themselves. all just a blur. American Life is ugly, hateful, spiteful, abusive and no place to raise your kids.

1989 was my year, unwanted by all. teenage angst hits me and i blossomed as i am. Denis kept me, showed me how to truly be chemically liberated. the best of times. 1991 Music explodes, my head and mind is lit by the likes of nirvana, pearl jam, nine inch nail and the alternative. I'm Surrounded by hundreds, hard to remember their faces. i wasn't meant to be happy, i had to suffer. Pasts my time with mr. trent reznor filling the void. 1995 is a very important year for me, it defines me. Monica is launched into my path. Infatuated and helplessly under her spell, i take her and start my 2nd life, the beginning of my tragic end. chaos reigns, but i love her just the same. 1997 Amanda is born, I am a father. Proud and just. she is perfect in every way. I was terrified, had to provide for them, felt like a deer, constant alert mode. things will be ok i thought. memories are made. and we live. 2009 Heart Attack, Monica by my side, everything fades to black, the most i have ever needed someone and Fall harder for this woman. She pretends, i notice and I take it anyway. growing weaker feeling like it's slipping away, I cannot stop a moving train. Because in her head shes not ok and all else is set in stone. Life is on the back burner. i grow difficult and unreachable. My fears are at the gate, closing in and i alone. 2010 feb. march april - to describe this year so far, it's been an awakening nightmare. lies, deceit, perversion, insanity, truth, love, hurt, disillusioned by my best friend. everyone is gone, to a land of make believe dead and dry. I alone weather the storm. blood hits the pavement, i ride, i wallow, i parish into the shadows. Fall back, I am not ready. but he doesn't care, he's JUST.

I'm growing. not yet a man.