Hi, I've been on quite a journey, which I've tried to capture in my bio below. It's a long read, but I've found it personally helpful to put it down on record.

I started out thinking I was a crossdresser, then more lately thought probably genderfluid, but very recently and with the help of my wonderful counsellor, have now realised I am bigender. That's to say I don't feel like I move up and down a gender scale, instead I have two distinct male and female "spirits" or sides to me. When my femself (Nicky) I am wholly female, it is who I am, I am a woman. I feel, act and think as a woman.

I know these are all labels and we are all individual, but they do help me begin to explain who I am to myself and others.

I am finally comfortable with who I am and that is a lovely place to be.

 

Firstly, I need to advise any institutions using this site, or any of its associated sites, for studies or projects: you do NOT have my permission to use ANY of my profile information (including text and/or photographs) in any form, or forum, both currently and/or in the future. If you have already done so, or intend to do so, it will be considered a serious violation of my privacy, and the violation will be subject to legal ramifications. All the photos I share are owned by me and are not to be copied, screenshot, downloaded or used in any way without my permission in writing. The Photos posted to this Flickr Page have "All Rights Reserved”.

 

I try to be as convincingly feminine as I can be, but don't use filters, software or apps to change my appearance. So what you see is me :)

 

XX LATEST UPDATE ADDED 09.01.24 XX

 

17.01.20 Update

Okay so after about 15 years I thought I'd get round to doing an update. I'll let you work out my age ( a good girl never tells...) Right, big bio alert... if you're interested read on...

I've been dressing since I was about 4 years old and my big sister started dressing me up in her clothes. Even at 4 I enjoyed her using me as her dress up doll. As we got older she'd put on shows and I'd of course happily be one of the ugly sisters in Cinderella or any other girl part. By now make up was being added and I had my first taste of lipstick (heaven!). Sadly she lost interest as she hit her teens, so it was down to me to borrow her clothes and be the girl I some how needed to be.

As I started in to my teens I began to venture outside dressed up. Back then crossdressing was pretty much unheard of and so I thought it was just me. My mum nearly caught me and questioned why I had some of my sisters clothes stashed in my room, looking back she must have known but didn't push it. One time i dressed up in my sisters school clothes and walked in while she was studying, sadly she just told me to get out of her clothes and quietly poked fun at me afterwards. Anyway without thinking too much about it i took some massive risks dressing up round the house but just didn't care, I think because I had this big overriding need to feel like a girl.

It was when I left home that (despite being married) my dressing started to take off and I built up a wardrobe of clothes, make up, shoes, wigs etc etc. Eventually i managed to upgrade my foam boobs to silicone, wow what a difference! Just the weight and natural way they moved in my bra was ecstasy.

Since then i've constantly thought about how i could improve my look with perhaps better make up and trying different ways to give myself a more feminine body shape.

After a LOT of soul searching I finally came to terms with Nicky, that part of me is female, and that she not only needs to dress as one, but also feel, think and act as her. For me it's not just the clothes, it's the whole person. i feel at ease and couldn't be happier when i'm her. It just washes over me and I am always sad when I have to change back.

That said I'm not looking to transition and am happily married and happy as my male self. I think my perfect wish would be to have my life 50/50 male/female, unfortunately life gets in the way of that and it wouldn't be fair to expect my wife to accept that. So you make choices and try to find some balance/compromise.

I told my wife i was a crossdresser about 20 years ago, and we've not spoken about it since. Up till recently I've been able to create excuses to get away and let Nicky out. Those chances have now gone and I'm facing the dilemma that I'll have to raise the topic again. I'm truly dreading doing this, but know I'm going to have to create the best moment to do this. Nicky is as much a part of me as my male self, it is not a choice thing, it is who i am. Hopefully she will see that I would be a VERY different person/character if Nicky wasn't there.

 

Wow... haha that was a bigger download than I expected. Well done if you've got this far :)

Anyway, I'm still a slim/bubbly (slightly older but) young acting feminine girl, who's friendly and loves to chat to anyone when she's allowed out.

 

19.2.20

So, bit of an update... this last nearly 12months has been really difficult for me. My wife has had a number of serious health challenges over the last 2-3 years and so I took the decision to delay any discussion about my need to crossdress. As well, very recently one of her parents passed away and although largely expected it's again another thing that is understandably weighing heavy on her. This has taken it's toll on me as well and I often feel tired and drained from being the constant supportive partner I need and want to be over the recent years. To add to all this Nicky has probably had 2-3 outings this last year and the lack of true female time is VERY hard to take.

The light on the horizon is hopefully her health concerns are going to get the all clear over the next weeks and as some time passes she will start to move on from the bereavement. My personal hope is that by around April things will have brightened up enough for me to bring up my need to crossdress and how we accommodate that in to our relationship. I'm also hoping she will recognise the support I've been and that the strength of our relationship can learn to live with and at least accept my female side needs her time.

 

05.20

So the BIG BIG news is I finally had the conversation I've been dreading for years. I explained to my wife that as agreed all those 20 some years ago I'd kept my dressing secret from her. But as our situation had changed those opportunities had now disappeared and we needed to work out how I continued to have time to express that part of me. The upshot of a couple of long and at times difficult conversations is that while she can't understand or want anything to do with this, she does accept I need this.

 

So in practical terms we've agreed I now have a wardrobe, drawers and dressing table in a spare bedroom that I can use. Also that I can dress once a week in the house (she'll stay out of the way in our bedroom for the night while I do). This is so so much more than I had dreamed i could possibly expect. I am literally in Tgirl heaven just with the thought that this has actually happened. Today I brought down from the loft most of my clothes, wigs, shoes, make up, shaping etc etc (there's a lot...) and organised all of this into my wardrobe etc. This is the sort of thing I read about in tv fiction and here I am actually doing it ffs!!! Just seeing all my clothes hung up in my wardrobe and my make up organised in the dressing table was such a totally momentous day for Nicky, it really hasn't full sink in..! Understandably, afterwards she's been a bit funny about it, but overall we've been really good since we had the first chat, so I'm hopeful we're going to be fine with all this.

 

The next big test will be on Wed when I have my first dressing night and she "hides" away in our room for the night. She doesn't want to hear me walking round the house, so we've agreed I'll have the tv on loud to drown out any noise etc. I know that will be the next crunch point and I'll be as supportive as I'm allowed to be afterwards to help smooth things. I'm expecting we'll find our way forward as we go along, but I'm equally very proud I've protected Nicky's interests in all this and not compromised on what she needs. i'm also really proud that I no longer feel guilty or apologetic about my crossdressing, I'm finally comfortable saying yes I'm crossdresser and am happy to talk about any aspects of it, but won't apologise for who I am. I get it's easy for a friend, sibling or even parent to accept and possibly actively support you. But the hardest for a wife or partner to accept.

 

Anyway, a truly big day in my life has happened I couldn't be a happier girl with how it's gone. As my wife said I'll need to cope with the ups and downs that will come, and I'm positive I can do that :)

 

06.07.20

So latest news is I've had a couple of nights dressed and should have another one coming up this Wed. The fallout after each one has been pretty heavy, the issue first time being she could hear me walking round in my heels - we've got solid floors downstairs and it can echo. I'd also bought a couple of things online which managed to arrive the next day and she took delivery of! All that meant more long conversations along the lines that she couldn't cope with this every week and I agreed for now to back off the frequency and see how I felt about that. The fallout after my second night was because I didn't get to bed until 3.00am, which meant she hardly slept all night. As well as being mad about no sleep, she worried my crossdressing was a bigger part of me than she had expected, would take over and why did I need to do it for so long... Again long heavy chats followed and we've again settled back into a loving relationship.

It's been a real rollercoaster ride with some big big downs, but I've stressed throughout that, as painful or difficult as they might be, we need to keep sharing our feelings openly and honestly. I'm so happy we've done that and feel like an enormous weight has been lifted off not just my shoulders, but our relationship. Overall I'm still sure we'll come through this together and Nicky will have her time to live and breath as part of that.

It'll be interesting to see if there's any fallout following this Wed, or whether things will start to calm at least a little! Watch this space... she laughs nervously haha...

 

13.10.20

It's been a while since i updated my bio and a lot has happened in my rollercoaster life in that time. There have been some big big challenges and the truth of it is my wife is finding it incredibly hard to deal with being married to a crossdresser. There's been some really hurtful things said and some tough times to try and get through, but we are still together and are committed to trying to make this work, so there remains real hope we can make it work. The arrangement now is that Nicky has the opportunity to dress once a week and my wife keep out of the the way while i do. In return my commitment is that I'm in bed by 1.00am. It's early days on this (especially for my wife) and there's still real tension but I remain hopeful we'll be okay.

 

Throughout all this time I have never for a second regretted raising my need to crossdress and have been very proud I have stopped feeling like I need to apologise for who I am. It's taken me a long long time to get to that point in my life and i'm not going to look back and wish I'd done it earlier, because what is the point or benefit in doing that?? Instead I'm just happy I have. I'm still a super super happy woman, who loves and embraces being Nicky, that will never change :)

 

06.02.21.

Things have generally calmed down and settled in to a routine since my last update and I am enjoying my weekly fem time. My wife sets herself up in our bedroom from about 4.30pm so I'm getting a decent amount of time to be my fem self. Yes, there are times when it's a bit strained and awkward between us, but these are less often and less strained when they do happen.

 

Our relationship however had lost it's intimacy and was almost feeling like we were siblings rather than husband and wife. I decided I needed my wife to know I still wanted to be her husband and so made more of an effort to show this when my male self. This has definitely helped rekindle our closeness and I suspect reassured her I'm not going anywhere and or wanting to develop my fem self any further. Reflecting back, it's taken me a while to acclimatise to dressing weekly, I hadn't realised this at the time, but now I have, I feel a lot more comfortable. Transitioning from my male self to female self and back again has taken some time to get used to, especially weekly, but I feel like I'm getting my head round it :)

 

When I look back over the last 8-9months I'm amazed how far I have come. My fem self (Nicky) now has her own wardrobe, drawers and dressing table, everything's behind cupboard doors , but not hidden away in the loft or denied. I can wash my clothes when i need to and buy what I want. Again I keep all this is "out of plain sight" but not hidden away either. I have a weekly opportunity to be Nicky and feel increasingly relaxed and content with my fem self. My everyday appearance is also slightly more feminine in that I keep my body much more hairless, my arm and leg hair is very trimmed and helpfully what there is is very light these days. I also keep my eyebrows more trimmed and shape them as much as I can without it becoming an issue. And all of this helps me feel more in touch with my feminine self. Hopefully as time carries on I'll be able to nudge the boundaries along a little further, but if not I'm still happy :)

 

9.11.21

Being Nicky has continued to progress and I feel very comfortable being her each week. Probably to the point I need to be careful I don't carry too many of those feminine traits across when I'm my male self. My wife is also generally more at ease, although I still don't expect she'll ever be comfortable or accepting of my feminine side. These days there tends to be just slight ups and downs about my crossdressing.

During positive moments she has given me one of her spare reusable make up removal pads and we've casually talked about how to best remove make up and look after your skin. She's also given me a skin toner she wasn't using and we share a face cleanser, balm and moisturiser as part of our daily cleansing and moisturising routines. She also doesn't react if I have a delivery to the house.

On the negative side, I can tell there are times when my crossdressing does bother her and we just don't talk about it like we used to shortly after I'd raised the whole issue. I can understand it's not as necessary, but do think we need to talk a little bit more.

Her approach has always been to let me be the judge how far I should go with anything. She won't stop me, but will make it clear afterwards if she thinks I went too far. So my challenge with crossdressing will be to control my feminine self - so good luck with that haha!

On balance, there are more positives and as long as I continue to be sensitive I can keep moving this forward in our relationship.

She did say that she was worried if something happened to both of us then our kids would find my crossdressing clothes etc. As a solution I said I'd write a note explaining this side of me I also convinced her that she should read this to check she was happy and that it came across in the right way. To be honest I also saw this as an opportunity to explain in writing who I was, my hope being she will read and on occasion reread this. I've now written the note to explain who I was as a crossdresser and who I wasn't (to dispel some common misconceptions). I give a brief history of my life as a crossdresser but also say how deeply difficult/challenging/stressful it was. I've recently given her a copy of this to read so I'm expecting this will give me a fresh update on how she's thinking. I'm itching to know what she thinks, but will just try and wait until she is ready to talk about it. Wish me luck!!

 

28.1.22

So I had chat with my wife this week. It had been so long since we'd talked about me that I felt nervous. Throughout I made a point of saying crossdresser or crossdressing as I wanted to show I was comfortable with who I was and had moved beyond the guilt I used to have ( I did say this last point)

I started by asking if we could talk about me being a crossdresser and then asked how she felt and what she thought about it. Long story short she said it was something she wished I wasn't but had accepted this was always going to be a part of me and had grown to live with it. I said I felt she had become more accepting and that the lows had largely disappeared, She said there were times she felt fine about it, but also some times when it got to her a bit, we agreed though that things had really settled down. I did say that I had my own low points as well, which she was surprised by and had thought my weekly opportunity had got rid of them. I said it was mainly a feeling of loneliness and still hiding away.

I asked her how the Monday evenings were working for her and she was okay and appreciated the chance to catch up on her reading. We talked about her recently leaving the bedroom door slightly open for the kittens to move around and that I might often be just outside on the landing. She mentioned she didn't want to see me, because she's afraid she might lose her attraction to me.

I said at this point that I wouldn't trick her into seeing me and I'd be fine her seeing me if she decided she wanted to. I got the sense she's softened a bit on that, but I'm not expecting anything anytime soon!

 

I also told her it's up to her when and whether she reads the note I've written explaining who I am and I'll print another copy off to leave with my things in case anything suddenly happened to the both of us

 

I told her how thankful I was that she had accepted this side of me and named a few occasions where, for me, this had really shown through and how much I appreciated them.

One when, because of visitors I had all my things back in the loft and would have to get them down to dress and then put them back up again because of more visitors! She encouraged me to dress anyway and even offered her make up for me to use. The next was in-between xmas and new year when I didn't expect I'd get a chance to dress and she again unprompted encouraged and suggested I did. The third example was her being fine with me having her clothes that didn't fit her anymore. I did add with a smile, if she wanted to buy me any new clothes that would be great, she said "you've got no chance" but at least I've thrown the suggestion out there haha!

 

I then said if she ever wanted an extra reading night, then I'd be happy to dress and look after the kittens etc. She immediately latched onto this and said "so this is what you were after, a second evening!" I didn't admit it, but yes that was partly a motivation. I think it shows her biggest worry is my crossdressing will become the dominant thing in my life. I tried to reassure her that if I'd wanted to live most of my time dressed I would have done it by now and not left it this late in life. I also think that's why she's reluctant to show too much acceptance as she thinks that'll encourage me to want more and more.

 

The whole talk felt good natured and positive and I repeated half-jokingly if she wanted any bonus reading nights then the offer was there.

The chat went well and I finished, by cheekily saying "so we're agreed I'l get some second evenings and you'll buy me some new clothes" haha!

It felt really good to chat and is something I need to repeat for that reason. As I said to her I don't want my crossdressing to slip back into the background and become an unsaid thing. She seemed to agree with that.

 

As ever I'm still optimistic for Nicky and both of us

 

04.7.22

 

Okay feels like I should add an update on my life as Nicky. In general everything has been fine and we both feel settled in a weekly routine of me having my Nicky time. My wife has accepted I'll continue to buy clothes and I've taken over a single wardrobe in the spare bedroom to try and cope with my ever expanding clothes collection. Is it just me, but I can't stop getting excited by new clothes and at the same time seem to find it almost impossible to throw any older ones away!! I have my own online shopping accounts for buying my fem stuff, which she knows about and if she's in the right mood we can even occasionally chat about make up tips. We've always tended to shop together for her clothes but when I do I'm now even more actively and openly engaged in chatting about styles and outfits, which I really enjoy.

There are still times when she isn't in the mood to think or talk about my crossdressing, but I'd say no times anymore when there's a real tension. There are also times when I'll suggest I swap my crossdressing day because there's something else we could do and I'm sure that helps reassure her it's under control. She is however still worried it could become more if it was allowed to, so I'm not expecting she would be comfortable with it becoming more frequent or her meeting my fem self.

 

I do struggle with mood swings and at times can feel really down on myself, to the point that I can get tearful for no apparent reason. This affects my confidence and feeling of self worth and affects us as a loving couple. We've recently talked about this and in her words my wife just wants me to be comfortable and happy with who I am, so I can be my normal self. To try and solve this we've agreed I should get some counselling support. I've spoken to the local mental health team, who have directed me to a counsellor directory and also some trans related sites. I'm keen to keep my wife engaged in this as there might come a point when a counsellor might suggest we as a couple or just her should chat as well. She's happy for me to choose which counsellor I'd like to work with though as it's me that needs the support.

When I get asked I'd say there are two elements I'd hope i can resolve. Firstly that I improve my overall sense of wellbeing and confidence and take away the nagging anxiety I have about myself. Secondly that i can learn some tools and techniques I can use for when I sense I'm starting to feel down. I think on this second one I need to accept there might be times in the future when I'd need to return to the counsellor to reinforce and support me.

 

All this sounds pretty heavy, but I think it will let me keep moving the conversation forward with my wife in a way that she might feel less threatening.

 

I also see it as a positive proactive step in helping me fully embrace who I am and remain the happy positive person I naturally am.

 

I'll update again on here when I've news on how this is going.

 

01.11.22

So I've been seeing my counsellor (Carina) since late August and feel more in touch and at ease with my female self than I've ever been. The sessions have been open honest conversations with me tending to lead what we talk about and Carina asking the odd question and occasionally suggesting or questioning why I've said/felt/done something. I suppose I expected they would be more challenging and intense, but that was probably my lack of experience.

I do recognise that I have male and female sides to me and do feel like I'm starting to find some balance between them. Although I did worry my female side might start to dominate, but as Carina said, that is within my control to allow or not.

 

Amongst many good things from the counselling, there's a couple that spring to mind...

I asked Carina if I had Gender Dysphoria and she said she didn't recognise that term as she sees everyone as individual with their own personal profile. And it's about understanding who you are and what you want and then finding ways to achieve that.

She also pointed out that "you need to love yourself before you can love others" is actually wrong. That human beings are wired the other way round and that they need to first receive love and affirmation in order to then love themselves. This made so much sense to me in so many ways. I can see why I post photos and why receiving compliments makes a difference to how I feel about myself. I can see why the friends I've made through flickr mean so much to me. And I can see why I would love to meet people as Nicky to hopefully receive that affirmation that I am fine as I am.

Carina has asked if I would like to have a session as Nicky and I'm really keen to try and make that happen. She also mentioned she does walk and talk sessions which again I'd like to explore with her.

 

On the home front we have had quite a number of intense chats which have often become tearful for both of us. I'm fine with that as it means we both still care deeply about our marriage. We have both continued to move forward as a couple and have always come out of our chats better and closer, despite them being really difficult during the chat itself.

i am such a passionate believer that communication is at the very root of the solution you are looking for. Also that lack of communication inevitably drives a wedge and distances you from each other. I have sometimes been the culprit in not opening the conversation and Carina has challenged me to stop apologising for myself and to be more confident and say something if I think I need to.

I have shared with my wife everything that has been said in the sessions and think that openness and honesty has helped.

i've also explained to my wife that describing myself as Trans is a better description than a crossdresser. This has taken a few chats to have her understand Trans is an umbrella term covering very basic crossdressers (perhaps just wear knickers but don't make anymore effort) all the way through to people who feel they need to fully transition.

She did worry for a bit that trans meant I wanted to transition, but we've got past that now. What I did say is I have a female side to me as well as a male, that when I dress I am expressing my female side. Also that my gender identity and sexuality work independently from each other and so even though my gender identity has shifted to female I am still attracted to women. Thankfully, she understood this.

I have to say I was a bit nervous being this open with her, but it feels like it has helped to reassure her and I sense she feels less threatened by everything. When we last talked, hearing her say out loud that I have a female side that I express, gave me such a good feeling. And is a long long way from her first thinking I was just a bit more in touch with my feminine feelings and played dress up every now and then!!

 

The other big update is my wife has offered for me to dress twice a week. I of course said "thanks, that would be great" and did ask why? She said she thought it would help me cope with my needs, which is so supportive and lovely of her. One of my flickr friends did say it would make a big difference and make me a calmer more content person. She was so right, it is absolutely fantastic!! At a simple level I love that I've only got at worst a few days in-between and am such a content person.

 

At the moment the confidence Carina is starting to instil in me together with being my fem self twice a week is making me a very content person. There's more progress to be made - I'm still confined to the house - and I'm sure there will be more bumps along the road, but for now I'm in a good place.

 

28.06.23

I hadn't realised that it's been over 6months since my last update. So here goes... firstly there haven't been any dramatic changes or major events over this time, which I'm going to say feels like good news. Yes I do want more and would love to be out and about whenever I liked, but I'm not there yet. All that said I am continuing to progress and feel ever more confident and comfortable when my female self. I could have added fulfilled and content, but I've felt that for quite a while now. I think some of the change is being happy and confident about myself as a whole, not just Nicky. I'll come back to this...

So some things to update. I had a few sessions as Nicky with my counsellor (Carina). Before the first of them Carina suggested she met Nicky on a video call, to break the ice. I wasn't sure that was needed, but agreed and found I was a little nervous beforehand, so it turns out the professional counsellor knew best, who'd have thought... hah! Anyway I really enjoyed meeting and talking as Nicky, it helped me openly express my female side and felt liberating. I shared all this with my wife afterwards, and commented that not having that social interaction as my female self was really difficult to deal with. The sessions continued in to the new year at which time me and Carina both agreed, we should pause and allow Nicky to progress without the weekly counselling. I will contact Carina again, possibly soon, partly to see how she feels I'm doing and whether she can see any progress, I do trust her enough to know she will be honest.

The downside to this is, because we haven't had that weekly trigger, me and my wife haven't specifically talked about me being trans since then. I have worried being trans could fall back into an unspoken thing between us and that lack of conversation and communication could cause issues. There have been some occasions where she has thought or assumed one thing, and I've thought something different. Because we simply haven't talked and shared our thoughts and feelings there's been some really unnecessary friction. These have been minor issues though and we've very much moved on from the emotional turmoil that was almost ever present in the early days. There's always a chance that turmoil could return, but I don't really see that happening.

Losing that emotional turmoil has been another big step forward since the last update, thinking about how we are now feels very different. It seems like my wife has learnt to accept my female side and no longer sees it as the threat to her or us, she probably first thought it was. She has yet to meet Nicky, or know she has a name, so there is always more progress to be made.

 

There's been a few occasion where she's suggested I have extra evenings/nights dressed, both before and after holidays when I've not been able to dress, but also if I've been feeling down or stressed. So I've sometimes been dressed for three or four nights running, which has been fantastic and which she's been fine with.

There's a couple of recent examples, that for me perhaps best reflect the shift in her thinking. We were due to have our son and partner stay over, which would have meant me moving all my clothes etc out of the guest bedroom and back into the loft. I mentioned how much hiding them in the loft brought back painful memories and feelings.

The following day my wife suggested I share her wardrobes and put my clothes in with hers, as she put it "after all they are just clothes". On the face of it this might seem a small thing, but up until then she had actively avoided any sight of my clothes, even though she knew they were just normal womens clothes and not fetish or unusual. I also know she saw my clothes, while they were in there and that for me was significant. More recently I washed a number of my dresses and she was happy for me to hang them out on the line and even ironed them for me. Again this might not seem much, but has to be taken in the context of where she was not just three years ago, and perhaps even last year.

 

These days, in general, my wife worries less what people might think. I'm not sure whether me repeating that point has had some affect or whether she has simply come to that same view anyway. Either way, the benefit for me is she's less worried about my dressing.

I also did an interview for a trans podcast run by a friend Carla and her friend Rachel. It felt so liberating and self affirming to chat openly and honestly and to hear my voice out there. Carla and Rachel live in Spain and share their thoughts, feelings and adventures in their podcast. It's definitely worth a listen (I use Spotify) and is called "Pink Fog Trans in Spain".

 

I feel like I'm still on a journey without knowing where it will end. A lot of the bumps seem to have disappeared, at least for now, and I am still a happy gurl. Hopefully all that will remain!

 

09.01.24

I’ve been thinking I need to post an update and spookily it’s again been six months since my last update...

Like last time nothing particularly dramatic has happened, but again like last time I’ve continued to personally grow as Nicky and my wife has been ever more accommodating. So it’s been a positive six months.

 

I have never been happier as my female self, I feel content, confident and at ease with myself. It isn’t an effort to be Nicky, I don’t feel I have to try or consciously think about how I act, move or think. I just let myself be the woman I feeI I am and it is wonderful. That said I do want and need more, in particular I need to be able to interact and be in company as Nicky. I’ll come back to this later.

 

I finally had a sit down chat/catch up with my wife about me being Trans.

 

I started off by saying, we used to have regular weekly chats when I was seeing Carina, my counsellor, and I really missed them and felt I always got some benefit from them. Anyway, I've not seen Carina since the start of 2023 and so it had been nearly a year since we'd had a chat. My wife was a bit surprised it had nearly been a year since we last chatted.

 

I explained that the term Trans covers a wide community from someone who just wears knickers and does nothing else, to the person who needs to fully transition and live as a woman. I've explained this to her before, but she still gets confused by all the terms. I also think one of her ways of coping is to not think about it unless she really has to...

 

I asked her what she thought being Trans meant for me and she talked about me expressing my feminine feelings and "crossdressing". Which is not quite what I've previously explained to her albeit that was a year ago. So, I went back over what I'd said previously... that I'd asked Carina last year if she thought I had gender dysphoria and she'd said she didn't buy into that term, that everyone is individual. In her view I have a male side and a female side. I explained that when I present as my female side, I try to be as convincingly female as I can. Also, that these days, I feel ever more relaxed, happy and confident when presenting my female side and her being okay with me dressing has made a big difference. That I need to be able to express that side of me and that I would not be the same person if I didn't have this female side to me. My wife was okay with all of this and has heard it before, for me it felt good to again say it out loud.

 

I did talk about how grateful I was whenever she suggested I should dress and that I loved that we could chat about clothes, makeup, skincare etc. BUT the big challenge I had was how lonely I felt being on my own when dressed and that feeling hidden away brought out quite a few negative feelings... that I was in some way broken and perhaps should feel ashamed. I particularly miss the chance to express my female side in open relaxed company with Carina, but don't necessarily feel I need counselling as such. Though I did say I'd be interested to hear what Carina thought about how I am. I stressed that I accepted that she didn't want to meet my female self. She said there are times when it doesn't bother her at all and then times when it does and that she finds it hard to be close because of my dressing. That she wouldn't be able to "unsee me" and that the risk is it could prove too much. For that same reason she hasn't seen any photos of me either. She added that we are both making compromises and perhaps this has to be mine...

 

I did mention that there's a big online trans community and mentioned Flickr as a generally good and supportive social network. Also, that most people were in very similar circumstances to us and that I'd made a few friends online. We could talk about all sorts of typical general chat, but most importantly we could chat about being Trans and dressing and that that empathy and understanding made a big difference. I also said people kept their identities private and half expected her to ask how I did that. I think I subconsciously wanted her to ask and I'd have told her I had a female name, but she didn't, so it was left there.

She hadn't been aware of any of this up to now and was a bit surprised/suspicious. It wasn't that I'd kept it hidden, but I hadn't offered it up either and so she thought it was another secret I'd hidden from her.

 

The point we didn't get on to was, as an alternative to my wife, whether I could get out and possibly meet with other trans girls. Hopefully, that's one for the next chat.

 

The only question she had was whether the more I had, the more I would want, and where that would leave us. That's a question/thought she's had from day one and there isn't anything I can say to take that away... She'll see that I now shave my armpits and legs and so aside from some short fair hair on my arms and what's literally "inside my knickers" I'm hairless. She'll also know I keep my brows trimmed as much as I can get away with. So, she would have a point that I have a more feminine appearance these days... I do need to be careful to keep the right balance and as we know that is a fine line!

 

As much as she wasn't sure why I needed a chat, we both felt better having had it. For me the two psychological positives were firstly, saying again I have a female side I need to present and that I try to be as convincingly female as I can. Secondly, that she now knows about Flickr and I have online Trans friends I chat to. This second one has been nagging me for a long time and I've been waiting for the best moment to tell her, so it was a big weight off my shoulders.

I will try to keep a more regular chat going with her perhaps every month to six weeks. And as part of that I'll check what she thinks being Trans means for me, as I see that understanding as key. I know they're just labels, but saying I'm a crossdresser doesn't properly describe me. What I'm trying to explain to her is it's not about the clothes but more about expressing that female side I have. She does understand that, but I think she tries not to think about it other than when she has to!

 

We've since had a few chats about makeup, clothes etc, which we've both been very relaxed about and reflects me having said how much I enjoy us being able to have them. On one occasion, we weren't sure who's tights had just gone through the wash and I thought she might have pinched some of mine. We had a chat and it came out that I wear the same size as her, we agreed they were most likely hers, but I can take them back if they turn out to be mine. A pair of my knickers also got mixed up and she explained she's got some similar style knickers, so I got those handed back.

 

I do feel so much better for letting her know about Flickr and my online friends. She hasn't asked, but I expect will have wondered what activity that includes. I'm not sure though she will ever ask, although I would like her to and would answer honestly if she did.

 

After plenty of apprehension I finally took the plunge and started shaving (and moisturising) my legs. This is a first and so is a very big deal for me! I still rub my legs every now and then, and smile like a Cheshire cat, at the smooth feel. It was still quite warm at the time so I was still wearing shorts around the house and again I know she noticed. There was also a supplement about skincare in the paper, so I took the opportunity for us to chat about our daily routines and also that I was looking to buy some body lotion (allegedly for some patches of dry skin) although she knew the real reason! Anyway, we talked about the ones she used and she also put some Baby Oil in the ensuite which she uses to shave her legs!

As well as talking about skin care we got onto makeup and I mentioned the lady from the Bobbi Brown counter in Selfridges had recommended a pre-foundation moisturiser (Face Base) that helps keep your makeup in place and I explained even during the hot weather my makeup was fine. I described how I applied it and how little you needed and she's filled a tester pot to try it. We also compared foundations and talked about trying to get that natural but smooth look, and it turns out we use the same one! It was such a lovely casual womanly chat I was glowing inside

 

I've decided I'll just let any mannerisms, chat, feelings happen, especially when it's just the two of us, but also to a degree when we're in company. I've always had a softer side and of course these days she knows why, and I'm allowing myself to be my natural, softer more emotional self. I expect she will see any examples, but doubt will say anything.

 

I also find I'm increasingly relaxed about showing my softer feminine side when I'm generally out and about, and on my own. I'd like to think people would think I'm a bit effeminate, but I suspect people will probably think I'm gay, rather than trans. Which would be a shame, but wouldn't bother me. My female self has been an ever present through my life, in my thoughts and feelings. The difference now is I'm fine allowing her to be a slightly more visible part of me.

 

There’s been a few things I’ve noticed that reflect the progress we’re making in me being Trans…

I move much more freely round the house when Nicky, although we still make sure we don’t accidentally meet.

We share the laundry duties – I wash and dry, and my wife irons. She’s been fine for a while handling any of my clothes, but this has now extended to my knickers and bras.

My wife’s not previously seen my wigs, but after our guests had left (they stayed over Xmas) she needed to go in the cupboard where they were stored. They are on wig stands and later on when I went up, I found not only was she fine seeing them, but she had returned them to the dressing unit I use. I told her how grateful I was.

 

My life as Nicky is continuing to go from strength to strength. To the point that she can often become my dominant side.

I’m not looking to transition though and have a fulfilling and active life as my male self, so I need to be careful I keep the right balance in my life and she doesn’t completely take over.