A quick note about my profile: It is a garbled up mess that is not really composed in chronological order. It has been written and re-written extensively since 2009. I occasionally add notes to the top of the profile or the bottom. Some day I will actually edit it and arrange it to be a sensible story of my life

T-girl with looks that are not good enough to put on flickr.

A brand new part about me tha I have copied from a response that I had in a group discussion a while back I am posting it on 2-5-14

AS I engage in my conversations with other gender conflicted people, I want some one to tell me their story . I am not looking for an argument but instead I want to know what is "normal" for people like us. It always amazes me the variety of responses to my posts. I am beginning to see that we are not really a homogeneous group. Transition is such a loaded term. I don't use it in the same sense as a lot of TS girls. I am on hormones and I mostly like it. I will never go the next step. I will keep my male parts even as small as it is. My Transition is more about me being comfortable with my role in society. I am married to a man and I am in the role of the wife. I try to look feminine but it really doesn't come off well. My emotions bounce from an extreme that embraces dressing like a girl , to at times desperately trying to cover with male clothing. Because of my breasts I look more like a bull dike than a tranny. The breasts also mean that I wear a bra for the support and the panties because I like them At first I used the clothes to cover up a shocking revelation about my sexuality. I think I still do, but I have added my girlish mannerisms to make me feel that I am in the right place in life rather than the wrong body or gender. I may be an ugly girl but it is better to me than being a gay boy.

NOw back to the narrative about me. It was originally a post that I wrote on a discussion board about whether T-girls are wearing bras and panties under their guy clothes.

a couple of years ago at halloween was the first time that I ever went out en femme. I say that this was the first time that I went out en femme but it was certainly not my first experience with dressing. Read below for additional info about that halloween.

I went to several different Halloween parties as Sara. At the second party, I was approached by Paul. He had seen me at the first party and was now attracted to me. We danced and talked a lot. He drove me home but I wasn't comfortable letting him in the front door. He kissed me good night and my heart was racing.

He called me the next day and I couldn't talk to him (I was in guy clothes) for fear of being GAY. I dressed up that afternoon and really felt the need to call him. This time I was very comfortable talking to him since I was en femme. It really is a hang up for me to be Sara without the clothes.

I invited him to the last party of the season and of course I went en femme. The night went quite well . We did a lot of dancing and he would give me a kiss after every dance. At first it was just a quick peck but it turned into open mouth kisses. The kisses turned into making out in the booth. There was so much making out that my make up was really smeared . I needed to fix my makeup a couple of times. during a trip to the ladies room to fix my makeup I was noticed by my supervisor from work Eileen. She was fascinated by what I was doing with Paul. I couldn't even play it off as Halloween. She knew my secret but I didn't care

That night I let Paul into the house. He told me that he would like something more than a good night kiss, I played coy. He asked for a kiss for his "little" buddy. I played it off even though I knew what he wanted. after a lot of flirting I told him I would kiss his "little" buddy good night. I played for quite a while getting him out of Paul's pants. I had to work up the courage to first grasp his cock in my fingers as I worked it out of his pants . I was in for quite a surprise to see the size of it. His buddy was far from "little" The only other cock I had ever seen was mine. Mine was barely 3 inches when hard. His was over 8 and it was there eye to eye with me. It took me just as long to get my lips to move closer to what they really wanted. After a lot of internal struggle, I gave it a quick peck and tasted his pre-cum. I then teased him that that was more kiss than he got on the first night and that that should be enough . But it wasn't enough for me. We spent the next hour or so just cuddling and kissing and dancing in my apartment . I kept being drawn to his cock. The kisses to his cock were more and more passionate. I would toy with it in my mouth. He knew that I hungered for it and he played it so cool. He never once forced it but I kept going for more. Finally it turned into a real blow job and I couldn't stop and neither could he. He never pushed all the way but he pushed deep enough when he came that my throat and mouth were completely awash with his cum. , I loved it. I savored that first mouthful like it was the most delicious treat I had ever had. We spent several more hours just cuddling. I slept so well in his arms and in Sara's clothes. I even made him breakfast. He got another blowjob that morning. This time I found my self grinding on his foot as I worked his manhood. I came in my panties just as he came in my throat.

But the next few days I was dressed as a guy and I felt so guilty about being a cock sucker. It really weighed on me for several days. I couldn't talk to Paul on the phone if I was wearing guy clothes. Eileen and I had talked about it a bit . I told her how gay I felt since I was a guy . She asked if it was gay when I was en femme. I told her no. She said ";well... spend more time en femme";. The next day at work she gave me a Victoria's secret bag with this gorgeous bra and panty set. She told me that I was probably more effective at work if I wasn't worried about being gay.

I went to the bathroom and put it on under my guy clothes and threw the boy underpants in the trash. I called Paul from work and told him of my new found freedom. I had to set ground rules with Paul. I was only good at this if I was the girl. I would catch for him but he had to always pitch. He could never treat me like a gay guy or I would bolt. He is so confident in being a man's man that I didn't need to tell him twice. His confidence as a man would almost make me cum just being with him. His voice or a glance from him makes me forget that I ever was a boy. I don't know if this would have turned out like this if Paul hadn't been such a panty dropper.

We set up a date for the weekend. I went in and told Eileen and she was so pleased for me. I worked my butt off for her that afternoon.

After work she took me shopping for clothes for my date. It took 4 different shopping trips to buy 12 different outfits before I found the one for our first date. Paul has since seen me in all of them, but the first was like buying a prom dress. The date went spectacularly well.

It took at least a month before I let Paul make love to me as a girl. I knew it would happen and I was afraid of the anal penetration. I start using a small dildo and stretched myself out. I didn't tell Paul that I was doing this. But I don't think that girls need to tell everything. By a strange twist of fate I had an additional week to consider if I could really go that far. Eileen had asked me to go on this business trip with her. It was only because her assistant was on maternity leave that I got the chance. I didn't have to interact with anyone other than Eileen on the trip so it was decided that I could spend the entire week en femme. Eileen took me to several gay bars and I did a LOT flirting and dancing but I knew Paul was it for me . I was very deliberate to not masturbate during the entire week. But I kept bigger butt plugs in to prep me for where I knew I was going. The sexual tension of this and the missing of Paul was all it took to really get me charged up. once I got home I was SO hungry for him to be inside of me, I nearly raped him at baggage claim. My first night of having sex as a woman was so exciting. Paul came inside of me at least 6 times that night and I lost track of the times that I came .

I had several male type semen releases but I found a new level of earth shattering (Harry met Sally) orgasms. The timing of the girl orgasm didn't even match the male semen release I am now amazed at how little control I have when my girl orgasms rock my body. I have never vocalized my screams and cries as a male but as a girl I'm a virtual siren. My girl orgasms make me shake and convulse like I never have . I have zero control when Paul is rocking my world.

I think that part of this came from taking my time and developing from a gay boy to a ready for sex girl. I really needed to wear only panties for almost a month before I knew that this was real. (I don't even own boy's underpants anymore). I think the waiting really helped me become the girl that I needed to be in order to truly love Paul. I also hunger for the girl orgasm and could care less about the semen release.

I have been Paul's girlfriend for almost 7 months but I still work in mostly guy clothes ( the line is getting blurry) but I always wear a bra and panties under my clothes. It's like my armor and my security blanket. Under a tight t shirt my bra is very noticeable to people and they know that I am a guy but at least I am playing the role that I am living out

Our dates out are usually to TG safe places and I go en femme. They are quite frequent and I see him at least 4 times a week. I really love receiving him into my body. I don't feel the slightest hint of guilt and I revel in my freedom as his woman. If I sleep at his house I don't put on my guy work clothes until he has left for work. As we get ready for work I am only in my bra and panties or my lingerie. This is often a problem for Paul to keep his hands off me and then I go to work with this freshly fucked look on my face. Paul loves to buy me sexy lingerie. My bra and pantie collection is possibly my greatest treasure.

I have staked a claim to all of the girl/sissy roles in the relationship. I find that my emotions are more girl like and that is my domain. That is the comfortable spot for me to be.

Eileen is like a big sister to me. She is even protective of me at work as I come out a little more . She calls me one of her favorite customer service girls. On one of our shopping trips she convinced me to buy women's cut slacks to go with a suit coat. At work it looks mainly masculine if I leave the jacket on, but with the lacey bra showing through the blouse (even a man's shirt) looks pretty sexy. The next pair of women's cut slacks were cut so high and tight at the top that i have to wear a corset and tuck my little pee-pee. By the time I get back home to Paul on the days that I wear those slacks to work I am, so horny. The tight tuck and the corset leave me ready ,Paul knows that he better be ready to fuck me really hard. And they give a great panty line if I am in the mood to tease a couple of the guys in the office. I know that Eileen's boss makes a point of checking out my ass when ever he is in the office. I don't think he is gay but he is either curious to see it or is just interested in how employees dress. I cant help but work hard for her for what she has done for me . We don't quite know what corporate will say about me dressing more fem in the future. but for right now I am living a dream

Update Time:

It has now been almost a year.

I started hormones to transition fully about 4 months ago. I am still kinda guy like in my appearance and dress at work. but the breasts are making it pretty obvious. I still don't go all out at work. That is slowly changing. Eileen got a promotion to district manager so I was promoted to her old job as office manager. Her old boss Jay is now my direct boss. He cant keep his eyes off of my ass and my new boobs. I think he is dying to ask if they're real. There was a line from Seinfeld, "they're real and they're spectacular". I wish they were "spectacular" but oh well they 're boobs and Paul likes em.

Having a job where I walk around the building makes me a bit shy and reserved in my appearance. But and there is always a but (or butt) I do like showing off mine and what the hormones have done for it. Eileen has suggested that I wait to wear skirt to work until most of the pronouns that people use in conversation about me have turned to the she/her side. It's almost half now, I don't correct people when they use "he"

We just got back from a two week vacation to visit Paul's family. Paul's mom (Beth) has known about me and Paul's sexuality so it was pretty good that way. I spent the whole time en femme. Beth was really gracious in treating me as a girl. She told me that it makes it easier to take for her that her son takes a masculine role. I almost got my goosie up about her preconceived notions about gay people until I looked back on how I had to deal with it myself.

Well to top off the trip I was totally floored when Paul proposed to me. Wow!!! the first man I have ever been with is going to be my husband. My head is spinning. We will get married back east in April. Some of my family will even attend

Here is my next step to really being a girl. I've had my own breasts for over half a year. Paul was really shocked the other day when I got home from work. It had been quite a day, my first desire was to take off my bra and just let the girls hang. Don't get me wrong I love a sexy bra like the rest of you , but. I sure do like the feeling of my boobs au natural. When you don't have boobs, it's about the bra. When you have boobs, it's about the boobs

I've taken another big step. I'm wearing mostly girl blouses all the time now. I like to wear scoop necks that can show my cleavage a bit, but it can be risky at work. Almost all of my suit tops are now a feminine cut. I really love to let the bra play peek a boo.

Update time My transformation is still no where near complete. Paul and I are now married. It is mostly good.

Let me update work first . Most people see me as a female. But most know that I am a guy . Most of the prejudice that I feel is probably inflated by my own self esteem. I mostly wear pants ( a mix of slacks and boy pants) . A dress is a clear sign that I am comfy with being a girl. But at times I do wear a dress to work. I cant hide the boobs but I try at times because, I am so self conscious. Some mornings I will feel all girly and put on a low cut blouse. Then I find myself crossing my arms all day to hide the girls. I really love having boobs but it is the really permanent part of telling the world who I am. And some times I am not ready to let them know.

Now the marriage part. It is going as well as can be expected. At times it seems like we are really just two gay guys. But we really do have gender roles. A lot of our friends are gay and most couples in the gay community really do seem to struggle with gender roles. I am happy being Paul's wife. some of our gay friends think that I am too submissive. He is certainly the alpha male. I don't even think that I am attracted to most queers because of their lack of male confidence. Paul's libido and mine have found a good rhythem . I do have better luck at getting laid if I am dressed during the day.

Now the part about dealing with my gay friends and my flickr friends. First I am still a guy I am probably hardwired to respond to visual images. Guys respond to pornographic images in a physical way. My porn happens to be tranny porn. I favorite pictures of trannys either getting laid or giving blowjobs. I like to do those things.... with Paul. AND only Paul. I am thoroughly content with one and only one man. I love you Paul. If you ever meet me in the real world please respect that. Or if you correspond to me by the internet please treat me like a lady and know that I am not interested in your come ons. My life as a tranny does not make me a whore

Additional info about first night.

Since several people have questions about how my first time out could turn me into a submissive gay. It didn't. It was certainly a long road to get there.

Let me fill in one more piece of who I am and how I came to be. I was "dating" this girl back in 2007. I say "dating" because it only went so far as boyfriend/girlfriend. We stayed friends after choosing to not date. She will to this day contend that she knew I was gay back then.

She came into the apartment house laundry room while I was doing laundry one day in the summer of 2009. I was folding all my panties (this is before I ever came out, but I still had a panty fetish) I was mortified. She started teasing me about having a new girlfriend and that I was already doing her laundry. She didn't seem to connect that they could be mine. I thought wow this is the perfect way out of the jam. A couple of days later she was in my apartment and saw a pink razor and some girly shave cream in the shower. At this time in my life I was mainly into the fetish of panties and shaving my little wee wee ( I wasn't shaving when we were "dating". Her suspicions were aroused when I claimed that they belonged to the new girlfriend.

She bet me that the new girlfriend didn't exist. I pushed it andI lost that bet, when I couldnt produce a body so to speak. For her triumph she chose to dress me up for Halloween. I really thought that this was cool. We spent almost two months "getting ready" for halloween. It turned out that Carolyn was not really turned on by dressing me except for a little bit of the humiliation end of it . Even that for her diminished and she only tolerated my dressing. By the time Halloween rolled around she was done with it.

We went to the first party and just hung out together. Paul was there but he kept his distance since I was with Carolyn. I wanted Carolyn to go to the second party but she didn't. I probably would not have gone myself if I didn't already know some people from the first party who convinced me to do it again. So there I was a single girl. That was when Paul moved into make his move. Being dressed en femme even if it was only in panties brought out that side that wanted to flirt with guys. It would be foolish for me to suggest that I didn't want to kiss a man before I did it to Paul. The guy mode me probably thought about it but was usually repulsed by the thought.

During that night's dancing I seriously fantasized about doing much more with Paul but I was scared to death. I don't even know why I let him drive me home. I would have died if he would have wanted to come in the apartment. That night I fantasized so much about giving him a blow job and other things that I barely slept. I must have masturbated at least 5 times. I was feeling so girly. That is until I woke up and felt disgusted with my self.

The boy clothes went right on and the guilt stayed with it. Paul called around noon. I couldn't even imagine talking to him as a guy. I almost threw up. Finally around evening time I put a cute pair of panties on with a camisole top I was just kicking around watching Sunday night football and cleaning my apartment. I now needed to call Paul and apologize for being so distant earlier in the day. We talked for a couple of hours while I just watched the game and played girly on the phone for the first time in my life. I found my self sitting on the couch with my legs folded up underneath my ass. I wasn't really acting I was just letting Sara take control of the conversation.

I knew of another party that was coming up, I wasn't planning on attending but some of the others had said I should go. I invited Paul to go with me . I was giddy. On the night of the party I took 5 pairs of clean panties in my new hand bag. I needed more. I spent the whole night on his arm. Carolyn and Eileen were both there. They both remain two of my closest friends in the world. They are almost polar opposites one wants every juicy detail and the other is just happy that I am fulfilling my destiny.

So I hope that fills in a little more of the story. I was gay before that night and just never acted on it. And I was clearly a tranny but she stayed in the closet. The old me will always be a part of who I am and it will sometimes not want to be cloaked in girly clothes. I spent most of last winter only wearing dresses as part of a deep immersion "therapy" it was modestly successful and It goes a long way to really enriching our sex life. I would say that on the days that I wear dresses (7 out of 10 now) I have a 70% chance of Paul making love to me. So that is a great motivator and lifts my spirits about dressing.

Sex is one thing but love is why I keep doing this. Paul and I may have connected still if it would have just been a quickie but it truly did take a while for me to be ready for sex with a man. I talk to some trannies that went out looking for sex, got it, didn't know how to take it and now are pretty scarred. Presenting oneself as openly gay and openly femme are two completely different cookies and neither is particularly easy.