Some things you need to know about me:

If empty promises tasted like jambalaya, I’d promise you New Orleans and then have an empty box the size of Louisiana delivered to you. And I’d make you pay for shipping.

The future always makes me laugh, because that’s where all the punch lines lie.

I believe the future holds something different for all of us. Sometimes it holds our hands. Other times it holds our breath for eternity.

I like using big words. Words like huge, gigantic, massive.

Rather than waste a whole day, I would rather spend it counting to 86,400.

The son of a chemist, I was the first test-tube baby to be born in a beaker.

I entered this world, not as a blank canvas, but rather a walking Rorschach test. As I grew older and wiser, people began noticing that what they saw in me, they really saw in themselves. Not only do I hold up a mirror to people, but I also brush their hair.

I was raised in a small fishing village. Mostly they caught minnows.

I often wonder why my name couldn't be Jared Kintz, instead of Jarod Kintz. I mean, I was destined to be grammatically incorrect from birth.

Most people aren’t fortunate enough to be born on a national holiday, unless of course they go on to greatness and that day eventually gets named after them. But they usually miss out on the day of celebration, as they are most likely dead by the time their birthday is named a holiday. That’s why I am going at it a little bit differently. From here on out, I’m calling in sick to work every March 5th. And on that day, Jarod Kintz Day, I’m going to march in a one-man parade up and down Beach Boulevard in honor of a man who gave his life so that I might live. I’ve been great to myself. Be great to yourself this year and really enjoy your birthday. Remember: birthdays only happen once a year, twice at the most.