I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.

 

I dream of a better tomorrow... where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned

 

It's the times we're so crazy,

that people think we're high.

It's the times we laugh so hard,

we can't help but cry.

It's all the inside jokes

and "remember whens".

those are all the reasons

that we're best friends!

 

"I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no f***ing way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell cant paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college-ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that s**t up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say "oh s**t I'm sorry I thought paper would protect you, a**hole."

 

LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES

(You MUST read them out loud or it doesnt make as much sense)...

1) Thats not right........ Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive................... Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP............. Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man...................... Dum Fuk

5) Small horse... Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach?... Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped in to a coffee table... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

8) I think you need a face lift... Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here... Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet... Wai Yu Mun Ching

11) This is a tow away zone... No Pah King

12) staying out of sight... Lei Ying Lo

13) He's cleaning his automobile... Wa Shing Ka

14) Your body odor is offensive... Yu Stin Ki Pu

15) Great... Fa Kin Su Pah

  

One fine day in the middle of the night two dead men got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other got out their swords and shot each other. A deaf policeman heard the noise and came to arrest the two young boys. If you don't believe my story's true ask the blind man he saw it too!

  

8 Things I Hate About Everyone

 

1. People who point at their wrist asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

 

2. People who are willing to get off their a** to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

 

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn Right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

 

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

 

5. When people say while watching a film, "did ya see that?" No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor!

 

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

 

7. When something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

 

8. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing here???

  

In Honor of Stupid People

 

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

 

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.

(Shoot, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

 

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

(the shoplifter special)?

 

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap,"

(and that would be how???....)

 

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."

(but, it's "just" a suggestion).

 

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."

(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

 

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."

(...and you thought????...)

 

On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."

(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

 

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

 

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

(and...I'm taking this because???....)

 

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."

(as opposed to...what)?

 

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."

(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious)

 

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."

(talk about a news flash)

 

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

(Step 3: maybe, ooh...fly Delta?)

 

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

 

:)