"BEND OVER AND GRAB YOUR ANKLES, YOUNG MAN! YOU'RE GETTING A PADDLING!!"

 

How many times did I hear those words growing up? A lot!!

 

All through elementary school, junior high and high school, it seemed about twice a month or so, my poor butt was on the receiving end of a teacher's or principal's paddle! My best guess is I endured more than 100 paddlings during my school years.

 

I was paddled in almost every situation: In front of the class, in the gym, in the locker room, in the principal's office and in the school hallway. I was paddled in all sorts of clothing -- jeans, pants, shorts, sweatpants and gym shorts.

 

I was smacked by a variety of paddles -- long, short, thin, thick, narrow, wide, with holes and without holes. Every teacher in every classroom had a paddle, and my rear end felt the sting of almost all of them!

 

Paddlings were never given in secret. Most of my classmates knew when I got paddled. Word got around quickly, and, in many instances, kids at school were frequent witnesses to my paddlings. To be honest: paddlings were lots of fun to watch, and we always laughed as the swats were being delivered. My classmates would stop dead in their tracks every time when they passed the main office and saw my butt in the window and the principal taking aim. Several times when it was close to passing period, he'd lecture me until the bell rang. Then, he would maximize my embarrassment by administering the paddling as dozens of students filled the hallway.

 

When I was in grade school, almost all my paddlings came in front of the class. The teacher would march me to the front of the room and make me bend over with my butt facing my classmates. My fifth-grade teacher had the students count out loud the number of swats as they were being given. After five or six swats, she'd ask the class if I'd had enough, and they'd always say, "No. He needs MORE!!" And then she'd ask if she was swatting my butt hard enough. "No! Hit him HARDER!" Of course they'd say that. They enjoyed the entertainment, and the longer the paddling, the shorter the lesson!!

 

I was in a group-paddling during seventh-grade study hall. There were five of us lined up, bending over -- a row of butts -- getting swatted one at a time. We all had to stay bending over until the teacher was finished with everybody, which took a long time because we all got about a dozen swats

 

My parents were strict and wanted a paddle for home. My mom asked the principal at my elementary school how she could get one, and he said to bring in a plank of wood at least two feet long. four inches wide and a half-inch thick, and he'd have some kids in the shop class make a real nice one! Now properly equipped, my parents gave me a paddling at home every time I got a paddling at school. My mom asked the school to call her every time I got paddled and to let her know how many swats I received. Then I'd get twice that many at home! The routine was, before I went to bed, I had to change into pajamas or shorts and then get my paddling. They believed going to sleep with a hot and sore butt motivated me to "think twice about my behavior."

 

When the paddle was not in use, I had to keep it hung on the wall of my bedroom as a steady reminder. When I needed a spanking, my "walk of shame" was to get the paddle off the wall and carry it to the kitchen. I decorated the paddle with my name, and one of my friends, who was an artist, enhanced it with a caricature of me bending over getting paddled. The rear-view perspective depicted me with a small body, but an embarrassingly huge, round, exaggerated butt. My parents thought the artwork was cute. I also had to write down the date every time I got paddled. When my friends came over, the paddle provided a humorous conversation topic as my buddies, seeing it covered in dates, expressed amazement and speculated whether my butt was made of steel -- or concrete.

 

My first paddling in gym shorts came in eighth grade when my PE teacher used a pickleball racket on me in the locker room. I tried to cover my bright red caboose on my way to the showers, but a couple of my friends grabbed my arms away so everyone had a chance to admire the glowing effects of my punishment!

 

My hardest paddlings came in high school. Our principal thought paddling was the answer for every infraction, so whether you were in the office for tardies or fighting, the punishment was the same. The command was also the same: "Bend over and grab your ankles!!" The only thing that differed was the number of swats and the intensity. The most memorable instance came my junior year when two friends and l were sent to the office to be paddled. As l bent over, l ripped one of the loudest, most thunderous farts of my life. l couldn't help it, but the timing had a great comic effect. When my friends finally stopped laughing, our principal announced the punishment was doubled for not just me, but everybody. lnstead of five swats, we were now getting ten -- and they were hard swats. l apologized later, but my friends said it was so funny it was worth it.

 

I also had a PE teacher who paddled students in class for loafing or screwing around. He'd stop everything, blow the whistle and yell your name. The first time he caught you loafing, it was five swats on the seat of the gym shorts -- then and there, in the middle of the gym during class with everyone watching. A second infraction meant 10 swats, and a third meant 20. I was kind of a class clown, so I was on the receiving end of these paddlings about once a week. There was, however, one class period during which I was nailed three times and had to take the 20-swatter on top of receiving 5 and 10 swats earlier in the class period. That was pretty intense -- and the sorest my butt had ever been at school!

 

I wonder if I brought all this attention onto myself. When I entered high school, I bought PE shorts with our school's nickname screenprinted on the rear-end. My senior year, I wore PE shorts from a hockey team I played for that said "TAKE YOUR BEST SHOT!" in two lines across the butt. When I had to bend over in these shorts for a paddling, my teacher said the "TAKE YOUR BEST SHOT!" adorning the seat motivated him to swing the paddle extra hard! Even though I knew my hockey team shorts increased the chances of my being paddled -- my gym teacher said the words on my butt seemed to taunt him -- they were still my favorite shorts to wear to gym class. (I still have these shorts and even wear them occasionally.)

 

When I went to college, some friends told my roommates about my exploits from high school and all the paddlings I'd received. They thought it would be hilarious to repeat history, so I was sometimes told to wear my butt-lettered gym shorts or sweatpants for a paddling. We would make bets -- many of which I lost -- and the payoff would be a paddling in front of friends. This is when friends started taking photos and video of my paddlings! Cell phones quickly come out when I'm told to wear my gym shorts and grab my ankles!!