You know, whenever a stranger comes up to me in the street, grabs me by the arm and stares into my face with a wild yet strangely unfocussed gaze and shouts at the top of their lungs the words "strength", "intelligence", "wisdom" and "charisma", I immediately think to myself - either this person has been driven complet… Read more

You know, whenever a stranger comes up to me in the street, grabs me by the arm and stares into my face with a wild yet strangely unfocussed gaze and shouts at the top of their lungs the words "strength", "intelligence", "wisdom" and "charisma", I immediately think to myself - either this person has been driven completely mad by a combination of playing too much "Dungeons and Dragons" and habitual masturbation - or they've just met middleclasstool. And do you know, it's usually the latter. I remember when I first met him, at Eton. I was a fresh-faced lad of just 14, and he was one of the senior boys. He already had quite a reputation as a raconteur, due to the fact that he had joined Eton after being expelled from Cheltenham Ladies College, where he had studied for 3 years, until he was finally uncovered when forced to take a bath. After Eton we both went up to Oxford - Balliol College, of course. I read Greats, and he read Grapes. It always astounded me how much information he could read off a single grape, you know. And then he moved on to citrus fruits - lemons, oranges, that sort of thing - eventually he did his dissertation on a pineapple and a guava, and got a double first. And all the while he was also captain of the rowing club, president of the debating society AND carrying on a relationship with "sneezy" from the seven dwarves. From University he went into politics, and became the United Kingdom's youngest Prime Minister at 23. But the next year he was divisible both by 2 and 3, and so became Britain's youngest Composite Minister. He led us into war with Czechoslovakia, and broke it in half – an absolutely stunning achievement, for which the grateful Slovak people erected a statue of him in Bratislava made entirely of pine nuts. He died as he had lived - slightly drunk and wearing cardboard shoes - and yet he continues to post his photographic vignettes from "the other side" on flickr. So here's to middleclasstool - statesman, fruiterer and spirit guide. Would that we could see his like again grace Albion's shores. Amen.