About me:

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling buildings and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel bus stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Brazilian refugees, I write award-winning poems and I manage time efficiently. Occasionally I tread water for four days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike break dancing skills. I can pilot a tricycle up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I can cook thirty-minute brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in Tang Dynasty pottery, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Morocco. I'm excellent at parallel parking and open bars. I was once in a place full of love and laughter, I have since been trying to find my way back. Using only a hoe and a glass of water, I single-handedly defended a small village in Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I miss Maloney's down beach, and I was scouted by the Marlins. I am the subject of numerous documentaries, none of which can be seen in America. I invented a little known drink called the Red-Bull and Vodka. When I'm bored, I build large and intricate Koi ponds in my back yard. I enjoy urban free climbing. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair hearing aids and transistor radios free of charge. I am a hardwood floor enthusiast, Internet porn tycoon, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening chaps. I don't perspire, I sweat. I am a private citizen, yet I receive tons of fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won many gift certificates. Last winter I toured all over New Jersey with my genius brother and his centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international circles. Grandmothers and children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read War and Peace, Chuck Norris' autobiography, and 15 issues of Highlights in one day and still had time to refurbish the Brady's RV that evening. I know the exact location of every food item at the Washington Ave. WaWa in Margate. If you don't believe me ask Brady. I have performed covert operations for the Bulgarian Liberation Front. I sleep once a week, when I do manage to sleep, I sleep with one eye open. While on vacation in Tijuana I successfully gained entry to the United States with two B.L.F. members, a third was sacrificed as a diversion. (Good lookin' out Yuri) The Laws of Physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I zig, I zag, and my bills are all paid. On weekends to let off steam, I participate in full contact Origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made four-course meals using only SPAM and Ramen noodles. If you don't believe me ask Brady. I breed prize winning Tulips. I have won underground cockfights in Vietnam, cliff-diving competitions in Cozumel, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I am a world-record holder in Golden Tee Golf, I have performed open wound surgery involving wood fiber and a pair of tweezers, and I know with absolute certainty who shot JFK. On a final note, I must say that this would not have been possible without you Cutty Sark, wherever you are. Oh, and television commercials are poo.