Raised by wolves in the grounds of a Himalayan Kung-Fu monastery.

Twenty-year career in the worlds of espionage and thumb modelling.

Olympic gold medals in Volcano Parachute-Skiing and Downhill Duffle-Coat Shuffling (100 metres).

Nobel Prize in literature for my book of poetry 'Sounds of Cabbage'.

My inner child sometimes borrows my 'phone and returns it with peculiar photographs on the camera roll.

I publish the least alarming of these here.

If the waiter comes, please tell him I'll have the fish.

Batteries included.

But they're flat.