shiftstigma
Hannie Cooper, 24, unemployed
Photo and text from Mind Out for Mental Health's 1 in 4 project, 2002.
I’ve always thought I’m fat and ugly. My mum says “don’t be silly” but it makes no difference. My counsellor forces me to look in the mirror and say “You’re not ugly” which has helped a bit but I’m full of self-hate because of the way I am and how I’ve allowed it all to get on top of me.
It started when I was about 17 after our house was repossessed and my mum had a breakdown. It was just the three of us - me, my mum and my brother. We’re very, very close - the best of friends - and we struggled together with absolutely no money.
I got to university but I had no motivation so I was put on anti-depressants. Either I didn’t sleep or I’d cry myself to sleep. I had a full grant and a job so that I could send money home but I was living off nothing. There were days I’d go without food and by the time I left I had £13,000 in debts.
I came out with a fairly good degree and got a job working in a hostel for ex-offenders. I had a real passion for my work but my self-esteem was knocked right down because the people I worked with were critical and undermining.
I was living with my brother at the time but then his fiancée moved in and wanted me out. Eventually lack of support at work and having no personal space at home got on top of me and in April 2000 I took an overdose. At the time I meant to die but the moment I’d done it I regretted it and told my brother. My mother wouldn’t let me out of her sight for weeks after that.
I thought people would now see how unhappy I was now but no one did and eventually I left the job. I should have made a complaint but I had no fight left in me. My counsellor has now put me on an assertiveness course now because she says my self-esteem is so low that if have a problem in another job at least I’ll be able to stick up for myself.
Because I have no money I work part time in a bar. It’s a very friendly pub but I haven’t told anyone there that I have a mental health problem because some of the customers are very narrow minded and make jokes about “loonies”.
The other day I saw a doctor who was very dismissive. “There’s a difference between feeling pissed off and being depressed” he told me. He made me feel a fraud and spoke to me as if I was five years old.
Living is very hard. I wake up in the morning and for a few short moments everything feels OK but then slowly I realise everything is wrong. That’s why sometimes I find it hard to wake up. I always feel there’s no point in anything because in my experience nothing comes out of anything.
The one good thing that has come out of this is that out of my experience I’ve been able to volunteer with Shropshire Mind and help people who are going through the same thing. It gives some meaning to it all.
FACT: Suicide is the second most common cause of death among people under 35 (DH, 1999)
Hannie Cooper, 24, unemployed
Photo and text from Mind Out for Mental Health's 1 in 4 project, 2002.
I’ve always thought I’m fat and ugly. My mum says “don’t be silly” but it makes no difference. My counsellor forces me to look in the mirror and say “You’re not ugly” which has helped a bit but I’m full of self-hate because of the way I am and how I’ve allowed it all to get on top of me.
It started when I was about 17 after our house was repossessed and my mum had a breakdown. It was just the three of us - me, my mum and my brother. We’re very, very close - the best of friends - and we struggled together with absolutely no money.
I got to university but I had no motivation so I was put on anti-depressants. Either I didn’t sleep or I’d cry myself to sleep. I had a full grant and a job so that I could send money home but I was living off nothing. There were days I’d go without food and by the time I left I had £13,000 in debts.
I came out with a fairly good degree and got a job working in a hostel for ex-offenders. I had a real passion for my work but my self-esteem was knocked right down because the people I worked with were critical and undermining.
I was living with my brother at the time but then his fiancée moved in and wanted me out. Eventually lack of support at work and having no personal space at home got on top of me and in April 2000 I took an overdose. At the time I meant to die but the moment I’d done it I regretted it and told my brother. My mother wouldn’t let me out of her sight for weeks after that.
I thought people would now see how unhappy I was now but no one did and eventually I left the job. I should have made a complaint but I had no fight left in me. My counsellor has now put me on an assertiveness course now because she says my self-esteem is so low that if have a problem in another job at least I’ll be able to stick up for myself.
Because I have no money I work part time in a bar. It’s a very friendly pub but I haven’t told anyone there that I have a mental health problem because some of the customers are very narrow minded and make jokes about “loonies”.
The other day I saw a doctor who was very dismissive. “There’s a difference between feeling pissed off and being depressed” he told me. He made me feel a fraud and spoke to me as if I was five years old.
Living is very hard. I wake up in the morning and for a few short moments everything feels OK but then slowly I realise everything is wrong. That’s why sometimes I find it hard to wake up. I always feel there’s no point in anything because in my experience nothing comes out of anything.
The one good thing that has come out of this is that out of my experience I’ve been able to volunteer with Shropshire Mind and help people who are going through the same thing. It gives some meaning to it all.
FACT: Suicide is the second most common cause of death among people under 35 (DH, 1999)