♥KatB Photography♥
I Am Sad
This has nothing to do with my 365...I just need to vent somewhere and for some reason I decided to vent here. I have a livejournal, twitter, and facebook...and none of them seemed appealing to me.
Perhaps this is because flickr has become my addiction...and photography my therapy (kinda)
So here's my rant...I apologize, this isn't a self pity party I just need to open up...
A. In less than a week, March 1st, if Garry doesn't have a job then he may be homeless. His dad told him today they he can't afford to get him up to Northern California which leaves him SOL. He's desperately trying to find a job...and my deepest fear is not being able to communicate with him. I haven't seen him in 6 months and that's tough enough as is...but not getting to talk to him? I swear I'm scared to think about what would happen to both him and me...we need one another right now. I'm trying to be strong for him and keep an optimistic face...but deep down I get sick to my stomach in fear for him. Above all, I don't want him to be out on the streets with no place to stay...the streets are too dangerous. He could get sick, robbed, hurt, or killed...and he doesn't deserve that. His mom is a bitch...not for this per say but for being so damn abusive to him. I hate her. I do.
B. I don't know what I want to do with my life...I'm seriously considering going into research psychology but I don't want to declare a major until my junior year. I'm too scared...too scared of screwing up my life. There are too many horror stories out there of people who spent thousands of dollars in college only to land themselves at McDonalds...it's absolutely terrifying. No having a direction in life leaves me feeling empty and useless...
C. My two best friends on campus have become completely engulfed in their Intervartsity Group (a Christian group) to the point where I will barely see them/eat with them the entire week...and god knows how long after that. I don't think they realize how much I need that social time with them...and of course the paranoid part of me comes out and I feel like I did something wrong...something to prevent them from wanting to be with me. This thought suddenly gets myself all annoyed with who I am...I begin to pick out every flaw and augment it.
D. Jealousy is eating me alive...the beginning of January I was consumed with jealousy which ended up turning itself into motivation. I'm hoping this will happen again...but I get frustrated. I'm struggling to figure out how to become what i envy...and even then, do I want to become that? Shouldn't I refuse to conform just for the sake of popularity? I should like my pictures...I shouldn't care how many comments or views I get...and I gave up on explore long ago. Yeah, I admit it...I'm jealous of my friends who get lavished with comments every day and who constantly make it to explore...ALL VERY DESERVING but my heart longs for that same kind of support and recognition. I feel like a bad person for this...like somehow I'm not supportive of my friends and belittle those who do follow me. I can't tell you how much I truly appreciate it...every comment/word of advice/note/message I receive puts a smile on my face...you people are so good to me, sometimes more than I deserve.
E.In two weeks I have to go back to Ohio and spend an agonizing week with the family. I know I should be happy to spend time with my family...I know there are people out there who would love to spend time with their family but can't. However, I just can't stand mine. Mine is ridden with mental disorders, pride, manipulation, emotional blackmail, and secret keeping. I only miss my brother...and even then I don't think he misses me...so I let go missing him. I don't think he will ever realize how close I felt to him. It was forced upon us, but it was still there. I guess sometimes I get scared he and I will part like Emily and I did. I fear becoming my sister...I get scared I won't be able to hold on anymore and slip into a depression. I want to be okay...I don't want to put my mom (though she drives me nuts) through that crap again...not to mention Emily isn't well yet...she could slip back at any point...it's happened so many times I almost expect it...
F. I feel forgotten...like I could vanish off the face of the earth and only few people would care...especially this week. I feel like I could stop my 365 and disappear from flickr tomorrow and only few would really care. I feel like my family, my dad and siblings especially, wouldn't even notice if I fell off the face of the earth. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that Garry is out there and loves me...knowing he would care and he would notice is enough to keep my chin up...enough to convince myself that this is all in my head.
I just want to be okay...I'm sorry for sounding bitchy and emo...I'm not good with emotion. Whenever I feel it I assume I'm being nothing but a pain in the butt so I shut it all inside...it's what I have been taught. So I apologize to anyone who actually read this and now thinks less of me...I apologize, but I am human
I Am Sad
This has nothing to do with my 365...I just need to vent somewhere and for some reason I decided to vent here. I have a livejournal, twitter, and facebook...and none of them seemed appealing to me.
Perhaps this is because flickr has become my addiction...and photography my therapy (kinda)
So here's my rant...I apologize, this isn't a self pity party I just need to open up...
A. In less than a week, March 1st, if Garry doesn't have a job then he may be homeless. His dad told him today they he can't afford to get him up to Northern California which leaves him SOL. He's desperately trying to find a job...and my deepest fear is not being able to communicate with him. I haven't seen him in 6 months and that's tough enough as is...but not getting to talk to him? I swear I'm scared to think about what would happen to both him and me...we need one another right now. I'm trying to be strong for him and keep an optimistic face...but deep down I get sick to my stomach in fear for him. Above all, I don't want him to be out on the streets with no place to stay...the streets are too dangerous. He could get sick, robbed, hurt, or killed...and he doesn't deserve that. His mom is a bitch...not for this per say but for being so damn abusive to him. I hate her. I do.
B. I don't know what I want to do with my life...I'm seriously considering going into research psychology but I don't want to declare a major until my junior year. I'm too scared...too scared of screwing up my life. There are too many horror stories out there of people who spent thousands of dollars in college only to land themselves at McDonalds...it's absolutely terrifying. No having a direction in life leaves me feeling empty and useless...
C. My two best friends on campus have become completely engulfed in their Intervartsity Group (a Christian group) to the point where I will barely see them/eat with them the entire week...and god knows how long after that. I don't think they realize how much I need that social time with them...and of course the paranoid part of me comes out and I feel like I did something wrong...something to prevent them from wanting to be with me. This thought suddenly gets myself all annoyed with who I am...I begin to pick out every flaw and augment it.
D. Jealousy is eating me alive...the beginning of January I was consumed with jealousy which ended up turning itself into motivation. I'm hoping this will happen again...but I get frustrated. I'm struggling to figure out how to become what i envy...and even then, do I want to become that? Shouldn't I refuse to conform just for the sake of popularity? I should like my pictures...I shouldn't care how many comments or views I get...and I gave up on explore long ago. Yeah, I admit it...I'm jealous of my friends who get lavished with comments every day and who constantly make it to explore...ALL VERY DESERVING but my heart longs for that same kind of support and recognition. I feel like a bad person for this...like somehow I'm not supportive of my friends and belittle those who do follow me. I can't tell you how much I truly appreciate it...every comment/word of advice/note/message I receive puts a smile on my face...you people are so good to me, sometimes more than I deserve.
E.In two weeks I have to go back to Ohio and spend an agonizing week with the family. I know I should be happy to spend time with my family...I know there are people out there who would love to spend time with their family but can't. However, I just can't stand mine. Mine is ridden with mental disorders, pride, manipulation, emotional blackmail, and secret keeping. I only miss my brother...and even then I don't think he misses me...so I let go missing him. I don't think he will ever realize how close I felt to him. It was forced upon us, but it was still there. I guess sometimes I get scared he and I will part like Emily and I did. I fear becoming my sister...I get scared I won't be able to hold on anymore and slip into a depression. I want to be okay...I don't want to put my mom (though she drives me nuts) through that crap again...not to mention Emily isn't well yet...she could slip back at any point...it's happened so many times I almost expect it...
F. I feel forgotten...like I could vanish off the face of the earth and only few people would care...especially this week. I feel like I could stop my 365 and disappear from flickr tomorrow and only few would really care. I feel like my family, my dad and siblings especially, wouldn't even notice if I fell off the face of the earth. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that Garry is out there and loves me...knowing he would care and he would notice is enough to keep my chin up...enough to convince myself that this is all in my head.
I just want to be okay...I'm sorry for sounding bitchy and emo...I'm not good with emotion. Whenever I feel it I assume I'm being nothing but a pain in the butt so I shut it all inside...it's what I have been taught. So I apologize to anyone who actually read this and now thinks less of me...I apologize, but I am human