223:365 What will i think of next? Where can i hide?

"Untouchable Face," Ani DiFranco, Dilate

 

Is it a song about cheating? Is it a song about unrequited love? Or is it a song about this reality: sometimes we walk part way down a road, thinking we know exactly where we're going, only to look up and find that we have no earthly idea where we are?

 

For me, the pivotal moment in the song comes from this line, "what will i think of next? where can i hide?" Without further explanation, there is a possibility that what she means is, "Where can i hide from YOU and dealing with this?" But i tend to think the meaning is, "What will i think of next? Where can i hide from the version of me that thought this was a good idea?!"

 

Truth? i have been singing this song a LOT in the past few weeks (and it has been one of my top 10 faves since the 90's when this album was released), at the top of my lungs. For many reasons ( . . . ) not the least of which is that it is perfectly in my range and my voice does well with this song. So, when i embarked on "Ani week" it was basically aimed at being able to get to this song. And, although i am much less angry today than this song would imply, i had to do this today.

 

All week long i've been driving my long drives and thinking, "where can i go to shoot a pool table?" the only bar i knew that had one was one my second to most recent, horrible-human-specimen of an ex used to play darts in. i have tried not to go back there in hopes of not running into him.

 

Then, last night, with no planning to, i ended up staying in a hotel in Denver and uponst meeting my boss in the bar for dinner and some March Madness, i spied this pool table. Now, remember, i had no reservation or plan to be there . . . we decided at 7pm that i needed to be there and i had raced home to pack and drive down there . . . So, today, after our meetings, i decided serendipity was telling me this was today's selection and shot the pool table on my lunch hour.

 

*Artist's notes: i actually purchased the beer as a prop. But it was a tasty prop

 

think i'm going for a walk now

i feel a little unsteady

i don't want nobody to follow me

'cept maybe you

i could make you happy you know

if you weren't already

i could do a lot of things

and i do

 

tell you the truth i prefer

the worst of you

too bad you had to have a better half

she's not really my type

but i think you two are forever

and i hate to say it but

you're perfect together

 

so fuck you

and your untouchable face

and fuck you

for existing in the first place

and who am i

that i should be vying for your touch

and who am i

i bet you can't even tell me that much

 

two-thirty in the morning

and my gas tank will be empty soon

neon sign on the horizon

rubbing elbows with the moon

a safe haven of sleepless

where the deep fryer's always on

radio is counting down

the top 20 country songs

and out on the porch the fly strip is

waving like a flag in the wind

y'know, i don't look forward

to seeing you again soon

you'll look like a photograph of yourself

taken from far far away

and i won't know what to do

and i won't know what to say

 

except fuck you...

 

i see you and i'm so perplexed

what was i thinking

what will i think of next?

where can i hide?

in the back room there's a lamp

that hangs over the pool table

and when the fan is on it swings

gently side to side

there's a changing constellation

of balls as we are playing

i see Orion and say nothing

the only thing i can think of saying

 

is fuck you...

Done