peyton weikert
Day 194
I've come to this; my life is nowhere near perfect, and neither am I.
But why? Why can't I have a perfect life? I deserve a perfect life... don't I? I mean, I've tried my best my whole life, really I have. I don't complain that much, and I definately respect all people. I know I've done some wrong things like, hold grudges against people who made my life complicated, lose my innocence, say words that are hurtful, and maybe I've told a few lies here and there. But I'm not a bad person, I swear.
So tell me; why me?
Earlier today, after I got home from school, I walked to my bathroom and sat in my sink and cried. I just sat there for a half hour looking at myself. I went into a trance, and all I did was think. I had flashbacks, and after those flashbacks I saw my future. But it wasn't my future, it was possibilities of my future. Like I said, I don't have a perfect life. So here were my options: I could start vomiting after every meal; maybe I could barf up my problems and they'd all go away, & maybe I could feel relieved. But then I thought. If I were to do that, my life would change too much. I wouldn't have the energy to do track anymore, and my body would eventually shut down. So, I thought of another possiblity; I could start hurting myself. Then, I would be sent into an institution and that would take my non perfect life away from me; I'd be secluded from life. But, then I thought. I don't want that-- insanity could take over. So, I thought about another possibility; I could hide everything. My life would be a lie, and everything would be okay, right? Well, I thought about it. It wouldn't be okay. Lies lead to the truth, and truth leads to a new change-- a change that no one wants. Then, there was one more possibility; I could just do it-- end my life.
I had a dream the other night that I was killed. And I woke up and I was feeling on top of the world. Weird right? But in my dream, death was better than life. The journey up to heaven was a mind blowing experience. But then I thought. If I were to end my life, everyone I love would be sad and be left with all my problems; they don't need that. Also, I'm only sixteen. I've barely started my life, and who knows, it could get better? If I were to end my life now, I'd miss out on too much-- learning to drive, finding a true love, summer camp outs with my best friends, sex--- and I'm sure I don't want to miss any of those.
So I thought and decided that none of those would solve my problems-- none of them.
While I was looking at myself, I figured that none of those possibilities would make my life perfect. They'd all make my life less perfect. And I noticed that all those possibilities were all so negative. Could I really not think of one positive path to follow?
Most people tend to take the negative paths.
Why?
They're easier.
But still, I thought about them. And even knowing that they were all wrong, I was so close to just puking my brains out into the toilet that was two feet away from me.
But I didn't. Instead, I rubbed my eyes, washed my face, and walked out the bathroom door.
That's when I starting understanding.
My life isn't suppose to be perfect. My life is a test.
What's that test?
God wants to see how we live. And what I mean is, will we or won't we make the right decisions?
I'm at the point in my life where it all is based on right or wrong decisions, and my god, it is hard. I have a 50/50 chance in making the right decision and everytime it's heart stopping. How will I know if it's the right or wrong decision? I won't. I won't know until later on in life. And everytime, I wish God was right there beside me to tell me what to do. But that won't happen. God wants me to make that decision on my own; it's my life anyways.
So here I am, wondering what to do. What will be the right decision, what will be the wrong decision? I'm not sure. I just have to make that decision based on my feelings I guess, or based on what I really think is the right thing to do.
So here I go, to live my life. I only have one life and one life is pretty damn short. So, this is what I've come up with so far: don't start hurting your body; you could die. Don't start vomiting or starving yourself; you could die. Don't live a lie; your life will get worse. Don't end it now; life isn't suppose to be great, & anyways, God will end it one day--- the right day, and then you'll finally be able to go through that perfect experience. And plus, all of those decisions lead to insanity, and I don't want that.
But still, I'm on the edge of my seat. I'm still thinking about those decisions. And I'm still thinking about what to do.
Somedays, "Fuck my life", is constantly running through my mind and all I can do is cry until my eyes are blood shot. But somedays, that changes. We've all had those on and off days, so you know what I'm talking about. But then there is this one day in your life where you know, for a fact, that everything changes and it will not get better; atleast that's what you think. Well, that's where I am.
I guess I'll go day by day and see what happens. My life is not perfect and never will be, but it doesn't hurt to try.
But still, everyday, I ask myself and God, "Why?"
And then I ask, "God, will you help me today?"
Will he?
That will be the question I ask myself everyday until I know the right decision was made.
And after all this asking God to help me, I blame it on him. He created me. He knew my life way before I was ever living. He knew this all would happen to me. So why the fuck didn't he change it?
He didn't change it because there were many pathways, and I chose to go down a certain one. So I guess I made my messed up life by chosing the wrong decision.
Not him.
Day 194
I've come to this; my life is nowhere near perfect, and neither am I.
But why? Why can't I have a perfect life? I deserve a perfect life... don't I? I mean, I've tried my best my whole life, really I have. I don't complain that much, and I definately respect all people. I know I've done some wrong things like, hold grudges against people who made my life complicated, lose my innocence, say words that are hurtful, and maybe I've told a few lies here and there. But I'm not a bad person, I swear.
So tell me; why me?
Earlier today, after I got home from school, I walked to my bathroom and sat in my sink and cried. I just sat there for a half hour looking at myself. I went into a trance, and all I did was think. I had flashbacks, and after those flashbacks I saw my future. But it wasn't my future, it was possibilities of my future. Like I said, I don't have a perfect life. So here were my options: I could start vomiting after every meal; maybe I could barf up my problems and they'd all go away, & maybe I could feel relieved. But then I thought. If I were to do that, my life would change too much. I wouldn't have the energy to do track anymore, and my body would eventually shut down. So, I thought of another possiblity; I could start hurting myself. Then, I would be sent into an institution and that would take my non perfect life away from me; I'd be secluded from life. But, then I thought. I don't want that-- insanity could take over. So, I thought about another possibility; I could hide everything. My life would be a lie, and everything would be okay, right? Well, I thought about it. It wouldn't be okay. Lies lead to the truth, and truth leads to a new change-- a change that no one wants. Then, there was one more possibility; I could just do it-- end my life.
I had a dream the other night that I was killed. And I woke up and I was feeling on top of the world. Weird right? But in my dream, death was better than life. The journey up to heaven was a mind blowing experience. But then I thought. If I were to end my life, everyone I love would be sad and be left with all my problems; they don't need that. Also, I'm only sixteen. I've barely started my life, and who knows, it could get better? If I were to end my life now, I'd miss out on too much-- learning to drive, finding a true love, summer camp outs with my best friends, sex--- and I'm sure I don't want to miss any of those.
So I thought and decided that none of those would solve my problems-- none of them.
While I was looking at myself, I figured that none of those possibilities would make my life perfect. They'd all make my life less perfect. And I noticed that all those possibilities were all so negative. Could I really not think of one positive path to follow?
Most people tend to take the negative paths.
Why?
They're easier.
But still, I thought about them. And even knowing that they were all wrong, I was so close to just puking my brains out into the toilet that was two feet away from me.
But I didn't. Instead, I rubbed my eyes, washed my face, and walked out the bathroom door.
That's when I starting understanding.
My life isn't suppose to be perfect. My life is a test.
What's that test?
God wants to see how we live. And what I mean is, will we or won't we make the right decisions?
I'm at the point in my life where it all is based on right or wrong decisions, and my god, it is hard. I have a 50/50 chance in making the right decision and everytime it's heart stopping. How will I know if it's the right or wrong decision? I won't. I won't know until later on in life. And everytime, I wish God was right there beside me to tell me what to do. But that won't happen. God wants me to make that decision on my own; it's my life anyways.
So here I am, wondering what to do. What will be the right decision, what will be the wrong decision? I'm not sure. I just have to make that decision based on my feelings I guess, or based on what I really think is the right thing to do.
So here I go, to live my life. I only have one life and one life is pretty damn short. So, this is what I've come up with so far: don't start hurting your body; you could die. Don't start vomiting or starving yourself; you could die. Don't live a lie; your life will get worse. Don't end it now; life isn't suppose to be great, & anyways, God will end it one day--- the right day, and then you'll finally be able to go through that perfect experience. And plus, all of those decisions lead to insanity, and I don't want that.
But still, I'm on the edge of my seat. I'm still thinking about those decisions. And I'm still thinking about what to do.
Somedays, "Fuck my life", is constantly running through my mind and all I can do is cry until my eyes are blood shot. But somedays, that changes. We've all had those on and off days, so you know what I'm talking about. But then there is this one day in your life where you know, for a fact, that everything changes and it will not get better; atleast that's what you think. Well, that's where I am.
I guess I'll go day by day and see what happens. My life is not perfect and never will be, but it doesn't hurt to try.
But still, everyday, I ask myself and God, "Why?"
And then I ask, "God, will you help me today?"
Will he?
That will be the question I ask myself everyday until I know the right decision was made.
And after all this asking God to help me, I blame it on him. He created me. He knew my life way before I was ever living. He knew this all would happen to me. So why the fuck didn't he change it?
He didn't change it because there were many pathways, and I chose to go down a certain one. So I guess I made my messed up life by chosing the wrong decision.
Not him.