Hypatia_PA
After reading the card I splay all the wrapped gifts out on the bed and call in a second dog.
I'm not sure I trust that shaky Chihuahua anyhow. Huxley has reservations about the pyramid package, but we decide to soldier on. We're too intrigued by these gifts with pictures on them not to.
Package 1: The Rooster
"OPEN FIRST! Especially if you'd like some hot, salty, wet COCK!"
True to the description my first present is cock-flavored soup mix. A quick scan of the ingredients shows me that cock soup is vegetarian so it can be fun for the whole family!
Package 2: The Gay Biker Dude
"WARNING: According to the Penny Arcade Department of G&T Secret Santa Memetics, the enclosed contents are 100% gay."
Books! And they couldn't have come at a better time. I'm just finishing up my grad class for the term and will enjoy immensely reading something that isn't about teamwork, change champions, time management, or any other fluffy bullshit. I want space ships! And explosions! And wizards! Thankfully, the good judge knows this and has given me "Old Man's War," "Pandora's Star," and "Storm Front" (the first Dresden novel). Awesome!
Packages 3 & 4: LEGO
LEGO are awesome. Star Wars is awesome. Nifty little Star Wars LEGO kits are awesome. I have already assembled both the X-Wing and the Speeder. Both will be guarding my desk at work starting next week. Won't nobody mess with me neither - I can defend from the skies _and_ the forest.
Package 5: The Pyramid
"Contents: 1. The sum total of all human knowledge. 2. Multiple paths to world domination. 3. Fnord"
HOLY CRAP YOU GOT ME CIVILIZATION 5! HOLY CRAP YOU GOT ME CIVILIZATION 5! I can't wait to abandon my family for days while I struggle to take over the world and curse Ghandi's horrible tactics. Fucker never just goes on a hunger strike anymore - he's always gotta be droppin' bombs on my ass. I've only got spearmen you big jerk, gosh!
Package 6: The 7 Deadly Sins
"New! Improved! And now in one, small, convenient package!"
I have no idea how you knew I wanted Sins of a Solar Empire, but you did, and you're awesome for giving it to me. After I'm done failing to take over Earth I will pop this in and fail to take over the galaxy. I can't wait!
Package 7: The Buffalo
"Here are a few goodies from my hometown. The sponge candy (also known as chocolate honeycomb) is a local specialty (poster's note: it is delicious - sadly, the bag is now empty - not sadly, my wife liked it too), and the suckers (lollipops?) are from an old school confectionary that has been around forever.
As for the wing sauce, it is from the bar that invented the chicken wing. If you do not have a deep fryer, broiled or baked wings will do (just don't tell any other Buffalonians I said this was okay). A helpful tip: toss the cooked wings in a metal bowl with the sauce - it will stain a plastic bowl.
The blue cheese dressing is the best I could send - if you can get the real, refrigerated blue cheese (creamy, not crumble), even better. Dip the wings as you eat if it is to your taste, or just eat them and take the heat of the sauce. A side of carrot or celery sticks is also apropos.
Now, I am not one to tell you how to enjoy your gifts, they are yours after all, but if I find out that you dipped your wings in goddamn ranch dressing, like some cretins are wont to do, I will fly to Colorado Springs myself and stab you in the eye with goddamn Rocky Mountain Oysters, or whatever else passes as a local delicacy in that mountainous home of yours."
1.) The sponge candy, as mentioned above, is no more. It was delicious and great, and if I ever make it to Buffalo I'm totally buying more.
2.) The suckers are great. I'm eating (sucking?) one right now. It's like a Dreamsicle, and I love it.
3.) This note made me laugh out loud and when I make hot wings I promise not to dip them in ranch. Because ranch is gross.
4.) I'm not sure how you could stab me with bull testicles, but I'm not eager to find out. How would you even sharpen them?
Package 8: The USS Enterprise, NCC-1701 no bloody A, B, C, or D!
"'INSTANT' BRIDGE CREW DIRECTIONS
- 1 load of sperm
- ovum for overexcited ovaries*
- Combine and incubate above for variable time in biological incubation unit (standard equipment on Earth females), then remove. Units may self remove or be removed with assistance of medical hologram.
- Allow resulting biological units to grow for 6-9 months, then add to contents of this package.
- Add to starship class of your preference (Constitution class pictured above, not included).
* Note: Four would be a good number"
Oh my God they are adorable Star Trek onesies! I will have the nerdiest chidren ever once they're big enough to wear them!
After reading the card I splay all the wrapped gifts out on the bed and call in a second dog.
I'm not sure I trust that shaky Chihuahua anyhow. Huxley has reservations about the pyramid package, but we decide to soldier on. We're too intrigued by these gifts with pictures on them not to.
Package 1: The Rooster
"OPEN FIRST! Especially if you'd like some hot, salty, wet COCK!"
True to the description my first present is cock-flavored soup mix. A quick scan of the ingredients shows me that cock soup is vegetarian so it can be fun for the whole family!
Package 2: The Gay Biker Dude
"WARNING: According to the Penny Arcade Department of G&T Secret Santa Memetics, the enclosed contents are 100% gay."
Books! And they couldn't have come at a better time. I'm just finishing up my grad class for the term and will enjoy immensely reading something that isn't about teamwork, change champions, time management, or any other fluffy bullshit. I want space ships! And explosions! And wizards! Thankfully, the good judge knows this and has given me "Old Man's War," "Pandora's Star," and "Storm Front" (the first Dresden novel). Awesome!
Packages 3 & 4: LEGO
LEGO are awesome. Star Wars is awesome. Nifty little Star Wars LEGO kits are awesome. I have already assembled both the X-Wing and the Speeder. Both will be guarding my desk at work starting next week. Won't nobody mess with me neither - I can defend from the skies _and_ the forest.
Package 5: The Pyramid
"Contents: 1. The sum total of all human knowledge. 2. Multiple paths to world domination. 3. Fnord"
HOLY CRAP YOU GOT ME CIVILIZATION 5! HOLY CRAP YOU GOT ME CIVILIZATION 5! I can't wait to abandon my family for days while I struggle to take over the world and curse Ghandi's horrible tactics. Fucker never just goes on a hunger strike anymore - he's always gotta be droppin' bombs on my ass. I've only got spearmen you big jerk, gosh!
Package 6: The 7 Deadly Sins
"New! Improved! And now in one, small, convenient package!"
I have no idea how you knew I wanted Sins of a Solar Empire, but you did, and you're awesome for giving it to me. After I'm done failing to take over Earth I will pop this in and fail to take over the galaxy. I can't wait!
Package 7: The Buffalo
"Here are a few goodies from my hometown. The sponge candy (also known as chocolate honeycomb) is a local specialty (poster's note: it is delicious - sadly, the bag is now empty - not sadly, my wife liked it too), and the suckers (lollipops?) are from an old school confectionary that has been around forever.
As for the wing sauce, it is from the bar that invented the chicken wing. If you do not have a deep fryer, broiled or baked wings will do (just don't tell any other Buffalonians I said this was okay). A helpful tip: toss the cooked wings in a metal bowl with the sauce - it will stain a plastic bowl.
The blue cheese dressing is the best I could send - if you can get the real, refrigerated blue cheese (creamy, not crumble), even better. Dip the wings as you eat if it is to your taste, or just eat them and take the heat of the sauce. A side of carrot or celery sticks is also apropos.
Now, I am not one to tell you how to enjoy your gifts, they are yours after all, but if I find out that you dipped your wings in goddamn ranch dressing, like some cretins are wont to do, I will fly to Colorado Springs myself and stab you in the eye with goddamn Rocky Mountain Oysters, or whatever else passes as a local delicacy in that mountainous home of yours."
1.) The sponge candy, as mentioned above, is no more. It was delicious and great, and if I ever make it to Buffalo I'm totally buying more.
2.) The suckers are great. I'm eating (sucking?) one right now. It's like a Dreamsicle, and I love it.
3.) This note made me laugh out loud and when I make hot wings I promise not to dip them in ranch. Because ranch is gross.
4.) I'm not sure how you could stab me with bull testicles, but I'm not eager to find out. How would you even sharpen them?
Package 8: The USS Enterprise, NCC-1701 no bloody A, B, C, or D!
"'INSTANT' BRIDGE CREW DIRECTIONS
- 1 load of sperm
- ovum for overexcited ovaries*
- Combine and incubate above for variable time in biological incubation unit (standard equipment on Earth females), then remove. Units may self remove or be removed with assistance of medical hologram.
- Allow resulting biological units to grow for 6-9 months, then add to contents of this package.
- Add to starship class of your preference (Constitution class pictured above, not included).
* Note: Four would be a good number"
Oh my God they are adorable Star Trek onesies! I will have the nerdiest chidren ever once they're big enough to wear them!