to {s}

a personal note. . .because i know she visits here . . .

 

 

as a mom, as a woman, it is impossible to not get close to the people our children bring home. and when our kids hit the teenage years and beyond, harder to not love those they love. and even harder when you welcome those into your your lives. into your home. into your heart.

 

when those relationships end. usually your relationship with that person ends with it. however. sometimes there is a bond that you thought you had that can withstand the breakup. when you start to love them as your own. when your kids love them as a sibling. when your kids can't even remember a time when they weren't a part of their lives.

 

then they leave. with a "bye" that seems more like a bye for the night and not a forever goodbye . . . and in the coming days, your heart breaks. you see your children hurting. you see them not understanding what happened. questioning what they must have done for this person to just leave. and hoping they don't do it again and lose someone else. then you see how happy the other person is, how quickly they have moved on and you question the reality of it all.

 

to see your kids hurting and not know how to fix it is one of the hardest things of being a mom and when you are hurting too, it is even harder. and not so much for the older one that was part of the relationship. break-ups happen, hearts get broken. we move on. but the rest of the family, my younger ones, were left with broken hearts too and they don't know what they did wrong. collateral damage.

 

he left shortly after you and that was so hard on all of us. especially the peyton & autumn ... it broke my heart when shortly after he left autumn said, "he left too, but he still comes back to visit, he still loves us..."

 

please know i do not hate you. i hate what happened. i hate how you left. i hate that it was so sudden. i hate how you hurt my family, but i don't hate you. i love you and i always will.

 

our house is a different house now. but pieces of you remain. you are in the tutus in autumns dress up bin. in the tulle we put in her hair. in peyton's grades. in the tiffany heart i have kept. in the present and cards you gave me. in the pictures on our walls. in our memories and in our hearts.

 

you are remembered when we eat tri tip & mac & cheese. i think of you when i shop. when it snows. whenever i see a car the color of yours.

 

with our house down by two members. the three of us never yell " ___ is home" when someone walks in the door at 9pm. everything is so so much different now.

 

i hope we are with you too - i hope you remember how a family should be. how traditions are started. how much fun christmas mornings are and how important routines can be. how even though we may not be perfect, we are perfectly imperfect.

 

we are so so much alike. i miss you so much and i always will. the tears runnnig down my face as i type this, remind me just how much.

 

when i saw you saturday, please know how hard it was to walk away from you without saying a word. please understand that she has just recently stopped getting sad & quiet when your name is said. she has just stopped saying "those are her favorite" when we walk past the spaghettios in the store. if we had stopped, it would have made everything new again and i know not walking away would have opened her wounds again and i just can't let that happen. she is healing. we are healing. still healing. we were on the way to her friend's birthday party and i didn't want to take her with tears in her eyes and a heavy heart. someday she will be ready, someday i will be ready, but not yet.

 

Done