[too late]

FATHERS

 

I needed a father who would love me for who I am, not who I might become.

 

I needed to be able to express my thoughts; to actually have opinions, and not feel I was being held captive,

 

imprisoned by your ideas being right.

 

I needed a father who would not yell at me. At my sisters. At my mom. All I can remember is that noise.

 

I needed you and what you gave was distance, scowls -- a cloud of disappointment. All the time, you were so angry. Will I ever know why?

 

MOTHERS

 

I needed a mother who didn't push people away; who wasn't always afraid. Of him. Of me. Of living. Of her life.

 

I had a Mother who was dangerously sad; We all knew it. Because of it, I was always afraid. Always tired. Scared of life. If she couldn't manage, how could I? She's still afraid, but at least, I know why.

 

PARENTS

 

I needed parents who knew how to laugh at themselves. I am slowly unlearning that legacy. Able to poke fun at myself. It is so simple. So satisfyingly good to gaze at my imperfections, and know its perfectly okay.

 

I needed a father who came home and wanted to be there; who gave hugs that didn't feel WRONG, because they didn't jive with constant anger. Hot cold. Hot cold. The sting of speculation. If only you wouldn't feel 'rejected' and understood that your deeds didn't match your words.

 

I needed someone to watch me grow, with joy.

 

I needed you to remember me, daily.Not every day but often enough to not let me get lost in books and fantasy, in forgetting. In weary striving for what's unattainable, impossible.

 

I needed you to help me on the trip of life. I kept falling down, over and over, stumbling, until I thought I couldn't do anything right. Plunging into failure and living up to your disappointment with your life.

 

I needed a mother who would remember my birthday.

 

I needed a father who didn't make me cry.

 

I needed. I needed so much, and when I allow myself to imagine how much I needed you,

 

my heart feels full of gravel;

 

insides closing in;

 

my heart bursting with confusion, anguish;

 

my heart full of your unthinkable, backbreaking life.

 

It is something that I can't put my full mind to, yet. Perhaps because I don't want to discover that I needed, and it is too late. Too late for what I needed. Too late.

 

Too

late

for

need.

 

10/06/08 MHH

[too late]

 

I needed a father.

I needed a father who would love me

for who I am, not who I might become.

I needed to be able to express my thoughts;

to actually have opinions,

and not feel I was being held captive,

imprisoned by your ideas being right.

I needed a father who would not yell at me.

At my sisters. At my mom.

It makes me tired. All I can remember is noise.

I needed you and what you gave was distance.

Scowls. A cloud of disappointment.

All the time, you were so mad. Will I ever know Why?

 

I needed a mother.

I needed a mother who didn't push people away;

who wasn't always afraid.

Of him. Of me. Of living.

Of her life.

I had a Mother who was dangerously sad;

We all knew it.

Because of it, I was always afraid. Always tired.

Scared of life.

If she couldn't manage, how could I?

She's still afraid, but at least,

I know why.

 

I needed parents who knew how to laugh at themselves.

I am slowly unlearning that legacy.

Able to poke fun at myself.

It is so simple. So satisfyingly good.

To gaze at my imperfections, and know its perfectly okay.

I needed a father who came home and wanted to be there;

who gave hugs that didn't feel icky, because they didn't jive

with constant anger.

Hot cold. Hot cold. The sting of speculation.

You are a constant disappointment.

I just wanted you to stop, when I said I hated to be tickled.

If only I could say just stop! And it was okay.

If only you wouldn't feel 'rejected.'

and understood that your deeds didn't match your words.

 

I needed someone to watch me grow, with joy.

I needed you to remember me, in a daily way.

Not let me get lost in books and fantasy, in forgetting.

In weary striving for what's unattainable, impossible.

I needed you to help me on the trip of life.

I kept falling down, over and over, stumbling,

until I thought I couldn't do anything right.

Plunging into failure and living up

to your disappointment with your life.

 

I needed a mother who would remember my birthday.

I needed a father who didn't make me cry.

I needed;

I needed so much, and when I allow myself

to imagine

how much I needed you,

my heart feels full of gravel;

insides closing in; my heart bursting

with confusion,

anquish;

my heart full of your unthinkable, backbreaking life.

It is something that I can't put my full mind to, yet.

Perhaps because I don't want to discover

that I needed,

and it is too late.

 

Too late for what I needed. Too late.

 

Too

late

for

need.

 

10/06/08 MHH draft, draft, draft

 

Done