...she will tell me what i forgot

The Stages of Life

 

Sometimes there are years when one’s learning is intense. For me those years have been few and far apart quite literally. This happened to be one of them. I wrote prolifically, read abundantly and tried to brand my heart with ideas that turned all of my modi operandi on their head.

 

Recap:

 

“Every heart that preoccupies itself with that which does not concern it (past/future) will be punished immediately by missing out on that which is its genuine concern at that moment.”

 

Of everything I had read about “living in the moment,” this was the most invaluable. As a result of it in every moment where I catch myself just beginning to fret, I recall Hazrat Tustari’s (ra) line and check myself. Enough moments have been lost, simply vaporized. Enough self-inflicted punishments doled out.

 

“Truly anger (ghadab) and harshness (hidda) come from the servant’s dependence on his own strength (quwwa). However, when he gives up relying on his own strength, weakness will take up residence in his soul, and this will generate mercy (rahma) and benevolence (lutf) from him, which is to take on the characteristics of the Lord, His Majesty be magnified.”

 

I discover, to this day, that even when my tongue expressed the mildest form of irritation, I was exerting power. Inevitably I was expecting, no secretly demanding, subservience or apologies, ideally in the form of groveling, from the other. It was because of my inordinate fixation on admission of fault. It was both disgusting and amazing.

 

During the first week of Rabul Awwal I went to my village to get a break from the city. On the first day there I heard a lecture by Uzair on the stages of life vis a vis the Quran. It blew me away that it had been outlined so exactly what each person was going to experience through the course of their time on this Earth. In just one part of one verse no less!

 

عْلَمُوا أَنَّمَا الْحَيَاةُ الدُّنْيَا لَعِبٌ

وَلَهْو

وَزِينَةٌ

وَتَفَاخُرٌ بَيْنَكُمْ

وَالْأَوْلَادِ ۖ وَتَكَاثُرٌ فِي الْأَمْوَالِ

 

Know that the life of this world is but a play

and a passing delight,

and an adornment,

and (the cause of) your boastful vying with one another,

and (of your) greed for more and more riches and children.

Surah Al-Hadid, Verse 20

 

“The first stage Allah calls ‘play,’” is how Uzair started. “As we all know a child, wherever they are in the world, only wants to play, have a toy. They can be consumed by that one thing from morning till night, be it as simple as holding a doll or rolling an old tire down a street. Then comes the second phase: when the child gets a little older they like watching things that provide amusement. The toys are not enough.”

 

I listened to each word Uzair uttered intently and started mapping my own life on the path he described. I didn’t have a lot of toys. I was in a boarding school at five and a half and I don’t remember having any there. The second stage I related to somewhat more. When I returned to Lahore I was 10. I loved watching magic tricks, snake charmers and the like when it came to spectatorship that offered amusement. There was this one show near my house in Fortress where a bike rider would drive his motorcycle in circles around a steel well at top speed defying gravity while we watched from above. “Maut ka Kuan” it was called – the Well of Death! “Check!” I ticked the box.

 

“When they hit their teens, the child starts suddenly becomes aware of beauty and adornment.”

 

Stage three, zeenat.

 

“They are becoming conscious of their own looks and appearance as well as that of others. They start getting into styles, developing their own, emulating whoever they idolize. They pay attention to their hair and notice the other gender. They become admirers and sometimes they are admired.”

 

Stage three made me smile. My teen years were the opposite of my friends. The boarding school had yielded me unaware about literally everything except how to study my butt off. To be fair that was my experience of course, not everyone’s. In Lahore well in to being 16 my mother bought my clothes. She decided how they would be stitched. She even chose my haircut.

 

I didn’t care. I had no opinion about any of it. I didn’t notice boys. I was never around any I didn’t know. There were so many in my own extended family that I was busy hanging out with all the time. It took up all my attention for the other gender. I was so busy studying, I wasn't adorning myself nor noticing others' do it.

 

As Uzair continued I couldn’t help but reflect on how the world had changed so dramatically in just 50 years, my own time on it. These days children became conscious of beauty so early in life. At five, six, seven. Who was pretty and who wasn’t, certainly if they were or not.

 

So many teens felt anxiety and depression constantly. It made my heart feel heavy. How were they going to deal with the rest of life’s hardships if they too happened years earlier? What was preparing them for it when most of us, who had had much simpler lives, were so unprepared?

 

“Next come the 20s. 'Tafakhurr bainakum, boastful vying amidst yourselves.' Now beauty is a thing of the past in terms of commanding attention or fixating upon it. Now the young person wants to prove themself in the world. Who are they going to become, what will they earn, what will allow them to say they are better than others? What will distinguish them in society? What will they claim to be proud of as a personal achievement?”

 

“And in the fifth stage that I am in,” Uzair pointed to himself, mentioning that he was in his 50s, “a person wants more of what they have. More wealth, more children, more wealth and children for their children.”

 

That was it. One half of a verse encompassed and explained the entire physical existence of a human being on this Earth. I marveled at how I had also missed out on the last two stages entirely. My career was derailed and remained so when my mother passed. I was 26 then and what was a path, which would have certainly yielded only extreme boredom and sameness, abruptly ended. Hence there was never anything to boast about. There were riches unexpected, only as a mercy from God, but I was not going to cause increase in them by any means. I didn’t know how and I never learnt. Then I chose to remain single so there were no children.

 

But for most it did seem true. Once people had felt they had proved themselves, if they were even able to do that to their satisfaction, they certainly moved on to worrying about how their children would prove themselves before society. More wealth was usually hoped for. The children of children was most definitely a want.

 

The verse was stunning. It highlighted the insignificance of the overt, the worldly aspects of life, everyone treading the same path, footstep upon ordinary footstep. What did it yield? Was there happiness, contentment?

 

Uzair read the second part of the same verse:

 

كَمَثَلِ غَيْثٍ أَعْجَبَ الْكُفَّارَ نَبَاتُهُ

ثُمَّ يَهِيجُ فَتَرَاهُ مُصْفَرًّا ثُمَّ يَكُونُ حُطَامًا ۖ

وَفِي الْآخِرَةِ عَذَابٌ شَدِيدٌ وَمَغْفِرَةٌ مِّنَ اللَّهِ وَرِضْوَانٌ ۚ

وَمَا الْحَيَاةُ الدُّنْيَا إِلَّا مَتَاعُ الْغُرُورِ

 

Like that of (life-giving) rain, the herbage which it causes to grow delights the tillers of the soil,

but then it withers and you can see it turn yellow and in the end it crumbles into dust.

But (the abiding truth of man’s condition will become fully apparent) in the life to come,

(either) suffering severe, or God’s forgiveness and His Goodly Acceptance,

for the life of this world is nothing but an enjoyment of self-delusion.

Surah Al-Hadid, Verse 120

 

“Everything about Man seems to be in love with earth and its ownership, its control. Other humans, homes, land, gold, commodities and all that comes from them. So if the Quran says that life overt is 'nothing but an enjoyment of self-delusion,' it is because a person is ignoring the other element of their construction, the soul. For when we die we will become dust but what will happen to the ruh (soul).”

 

Then he recited the verse:

 

مِنْهَا خَلَقْنَـٰكُمْ وَفِيهَا نُعِيدُكُمْ وَمِنْهَا نُخْرِجُكُمْ تَارَةً أُخْرَىٰ

 

Out of this earth have We created you, and into it shall We return you and out of shall We bring you forth once again – Surah Ta’ha, Verse 55

 

“A distinction has to be made here,” he noted. “A human being is made from earth but that doesn’t mean we are earth. Many buildings are made from earth but we call them by the name of their purpose, the function they fulfill distinctly; a school, a mosque, an office. A plate cannot serve as a glass and vice versa. Each thing has its own reason. So the point is to understand purpose.”

 

My mind immediately jumped to the one verse where purpose had been defined crystal clearly.

 

وَمَا خَلَقْتُ ٱلْجِنَّ وَٱلْإِنسَ إِلَّا لِيَعْبُدُونِ

 

I did not create Jinn and humans except to worship Me – Surah Ad-Dhariyat, Verse 56

 

But it is the word “worship” that is elusive. The ordinary read it to mean just the fulfillment of ritual but that is not what the extraordinary say. I studied the verse from the Tafseer e Jilani.

 

Ghaus Pak (ra): “I (God) have revealed Mankind in beings (form and shadows), in the best of faces unique, and placed inside them from the jewel of intellect/power to reflect.

 

Illa liyabudoon (except to worship Me): So that they gain ma’rifat, learn about Me. And become steadfast on My One-ness (Tauheed) and understand My Essence as Mustaqil, Permanent. And all Authorities are Mine and I am the only One who is Rightful of your obedience and of being worshipped without any association and without claim of another.”

 

Three words stood out for anyone exploring the concept of purpose and/or worship: “understand My Essence.”

When I asked Qari Sahib to explain how one understands Allah’s Essence, a secret was revealed. And it came from the first word, to understand, not the one I thought we were going to start with, Essence.

 

Qari Sahib began with a question; “For starters, how does one understand something? From the heart or the mind?”

 

“The mind,” I answered instinctively. Where else could comprehension and reflection lie if not in the intellect?

 

He smiled. “In the Quran, Allah says that understanding lies in the heart.” Then he began to cite verse after verse that proves it.

 

وَمَن يُؤْمِن بِاللَّهِ يَهْدِ قَلْبَهُ ۚ وَاللَّهُ بِكُلِّ شَيْءٍ عَلِيمٌ

 

And whosoever believeth in God, He guideth his heart - Surah At-Taghabun, Verse 11

 

وَطُبِعَ عَلَىٰ قُلُوبِهِمْ فَهُمْ لَا يَفْقَهُونَ

 

And their hearts are sealed, so that they apprehend not – Surah At-Taubah, Verse 87

 

قُلُوبٌۭ لَّا يَفْقَهُونَ بِهَا

 

And they have hearts but they understand not - Surah Al-Araaf, Verse 179

 

The connection of all was to the heart. If it was dark, it was dead. If it was dead there was no understanding anything. Aristotle was among those philosophers who argued that the heart is the center of sensation and knowledge. Time and again, science echoed the same.

 

“According to a research conducted by Dr J Andrew Armour in 1991, the heart is said to be containing about 40,000 neurons that create its compound circuitry, which enables it for the functionality of sensing, regulating and remembering to suffice qualifying it a sort of brain in its own sphere (Rahman & Hassan, 2013).

 

This will help the world of intellectuals to understand how these two organs communicate with each other for managing our cognitive activities. On explaining how the two communicate, McCraty (n.d) said: ‘There is information going from the heart to the brain than the other way, and this information influences regions in the brain, and a major of this information comes from heart.’”

 

I looked up the verses on the heart. Beyond the ability to understand, the Quran outlines what lies in a heart that is sick. The list was expansive; anger, cruelty, pride, denial, doubt, anxiety. Therefore if the heart was diseased, no change or evolving, even recovery of any kind could be possible. It didn’t matter how “intelligent” someone was and what they accomplished through intellect alone. It rendered an overt existence missing its purpose in its appointed term.

 

يَعْلَمُونَ ظَـٰهِرًۭا مِّنَ ٱلْحَيَوٰةِ ٱلدُّنْيَا وَهُمْ عَنِ ٱلْـَٔاخِرَةِ هُمْ غَـٰفِلُونَ

 

They know but the outer surface of this world’s life, whereas of the ultimate things (the Hereafter), they are utterly heedless – Surah Rum, Verse 7

 

أَوَلَمْ يَتَفَكَّرُوا فِي أَنفُسِهِم مَّا خَلَقَ اللَّهُ السَّمَاوَاتِ وَالْأَرْضَ وَمَا بَيْنَهُمَا إِلَّا بِالْحَقِّ وَأَجَلٍ مُّسَمًّى

 

Have they not reflected upon their own being? Allah only created the heavens and the Earth and everything in between for a purpose and an appointed term – Surah Ar-Rum, Verse 8

 

Qari Sahib ended on a sobering note.

 

“To know someone or something you have to approach with sincerity, ikhlaas. Let us never forget that each and every soul on this Earth has already seen God, heard God. No one reminds us of that in Quran more than Allah Himself, when He says:

 

أَوَلَمْ يَرَ ٱلْإِنسَـٰنُ أَنَّا خَلَقْنَـٰهُ مِن نُّطْفَةٍۢ فَإِذَا هُوَ خَصِيمٌۭ مُّبِينٌۭ

 

Does a human being not consider that We created him from a (mere) fertilized ovum, yet he becomes a fierce adversary? – Surah Yaseen, Verse 77

 

The problem is we have forgotten.

 

وَضَرَبَ لَنَا مَثَلًۭا وَنَسِىَ خَلْقَهُۥ ۖ

 

And he (the human being) sets forth for Us an example and forgets his (own) creation - Surah Yaseen, Verse 78

 

“But at the end of the day,” Qari Sahib said with a sigh, “whoever wants to believe can believe, whoever doesn’t want to believe, it’s their choice.”

 

وَقُلِ ٱلْحَقُّ مِن رَّبِّكُمْ ۖ فَمَن شَآءَ فَلْيُؤْمِن وَمَن شَآءَ فَلْيَكْفُرْ ۚ

 

And say (O Beloved), “The truth (is) from your Lord, so whoever wills - let him believe and whoever wills - let him disbelieve” – Surah Al-Kahf, Verse 29

 

“A time comes when they might choose. Allah even defines the age at which for most the process of gaining this knowledge of God begins. Forty!”

 

حَتَّىٰٓ إِذَا بَلَغَ أَشُدَّهُۥ وَبَلَغَ أَرْبَعِينَ سَنَةًۭ قَالَ رَبِّ أَوْزِعْنِىٓ أَنْ أَشْكُرَ نِعْمَتَكَ ٱلَّتِىٓ أَنْعَمْتَ عَلَىَّ وَعَلَىٰ وَٰلِدَىَّ

وَأَنْ أَعْمَلَ صَـٰلِحًۭا تَرْضَىٰهُ وَأَصْلِحْ لِى فِى ذُرِّيَّتِىٓ ۖ

إنِّى تُبْتُ إِلَيْكَ وَإِنِّى مِنَ ٱلْمُسْلِمِينَ

 

Until, when he reaches his maturity and reaches forty year(s), he says, “My Lord, grant me (the) power that I may be grateful (for) Your favor which You have bestowed upon me and upon my parents and that I do righteous (deeds) which please You, and make righteous for me among my offspring, indeed, I turn to You and indeed, I am of those who submit.” – Surah Al-Ahqaf, Verse 15

 

I let his words sink in as he recited verse after verse to make his point. It was not alien to me. I had gathered from my readings of the malfuzaat of the Auliya Karaam what differentiated people from each other, what created distinction: It was their knowing God versus just believing in Him.

 

On another day Qari Sahib again expanded on the meaning of worship for me. The formula he gave came while we were studying the tafseer of Surah Yasin. Was it any wonder that the revelation would come forth through the heart of the Quran. The word itself had an entirely different meaning now.

 

“Jab ita’at mein muhabbat aati hai, uss mein shamil hoti hai, to usse ibadat kehtain hain.”

 

Or to put it in mathematical terms:

Obedience + LOVE = Worship

 

I knew the benefits of obedience well. It was the reason I had come as far as I had in terms of my spiritual journey. The root of it in terms of relationships was the one with my mother. I was intensely dutiful to my single parent. But then I was also the middle child, typically ignored and therefore in a perpetual mode to be “good.” Still, I knew my obedience was rooted in love because my heart beat exactly with hers, when she was before my eyes at least. I cried when she cried not knowing why. I smiled when she laughed not knowing why.

 

As time and the gains from reading shaped my identity as a Muslim, deepening my grooves, creating new ones, I came to understand the second element from one of my favourite surahs in the Quran, Al-Inshirah. “Love” constituted what was beyond duty and obligation. As Allah addresses Nabi Kareem (peace be upon him), the last line of the surah reads:

 

فَإِذَا فَرَغْتَ فَٱنصَبْ

 

So once you have fulfilled (your duty), strive (in devotion),

 

وَإِلَىٰ رَبِّكَ فَٱرْغَب

 

And unto your Sustainer, turn with love - Surah Al-Inshirah, Verse 7-8

 

The tafseer of the line is the direction to the Noble Prophet (peace be upon him) to turn his attention towards God after the completion of his duties, which includes everything obligatory. When he is free from all of it, then when he turns towards God, that is the time of receiving Divine Love. It was what first prompted me to increase the prayer of choice, the nawafil. Then I came upon this hadith Qudsi:

 

قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ:

وَمَا تَقَرَّبَ إِلَيَّ عَبْدِي بِشَيْءٍ أَحَبَّ إِلَيَّ مِمَّا افْتَرَضْتُ عَلَيْهِ، وَمَا يَزَالُ عَبْدِي يَتَقَرَّبُ إِلَيَّ بِالنَّوَافِلِ حَتَّى أُحِبَّهُ

 

The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said that Allah says:

 

…My servant draws not near to Me with anything more loved by Me than the religious duties I have enjoined upon him,

and My servant continues to draw near to Me with prayers beyond the requirements of duty,

so that I shall love him…

 

Beyond the requirements of duty so that I shall love him!

 

Farz were obligatory, Sunnat were prayed in obedience to Nabi Kareem (peace be upon him) as directed by God. But nawafil were only and only voluntary. And all acts of worship voluntary are rooted only in love. It was the exact reason sadqa was ranked much higher than zak’at.

 

My nawafil had first increased in number courtesy of Ghaus Pak (ra) and Shuggy Aunty. Before that I was reading some while my mother was alive but entirely out of obedience. To her not God. Whilst in college and then working, I would get a random call from her where she uttered one liners:

 

“Tonight is Shab e Baraat, pray some nafal.”

 

“Tonight is Shab e Mairaj, pray nawafil.”

 

No number, no context, no urging. It was an amr, an order, with no follow-up or concern around acquiescence. I wonder if the other siblings received those commands. It was through her that respect for Nabi Kareem (peace be upon him) was instilled in my family as a child but my mother forgot to mention loving him, although she did herself.

 

How did I know that? When she taught me how to pray for the first time in my life, her nerves frayed, making me nervous all long as she made me bend to touch my knees, irritated when I forgot the movements, she said this part softly and I never forgot it.

 

“After the prayer is over, bow your head in prostration as you do during the sajda, keep your palms flat facing upwards and ask Allah for what you want.”

 

She never once said what the “right” thing to ask for was. I wasted the first few years asking for inane things, most likely doing well in school since it took up 99% of my entire existence, mental and emotional.

 

“But when you start it, your dua (supplication), begin by saying, ‘Any good that I do and any blessings that I receive from any goodness that You like, I ask you, Allah, to send that blessing to my Prophet (peace be upon him) and his daughter, Hazrat Bibi Fatima (ratu)” then to x,y,z, whoever you want.’”

 

She didn’t even hint as to who the x, y, z should be. Was it her dead parents? She didn’t name herself. As I write this, I see the room and the prayer mat. I see her sitting there on her bed instructing me and me, listening to her intently while casting my eyes downward, wanting my execution to be perfect, desperate not to make mistakes.

 

A few months ago I was with a friend in a salon. While I waited for her to get her nails done, I overheard a conversation between a mother and her seven or eight year old daughter. The mother was practically pleading with her to get a trim.

 

“Do it for my sake, just because I am asking you to do it,” she said a few times invoking the words, “my sake” repeatedly, while the kid stared at her feet, looking sullen. Obedience was clearly resisted but where was the love?

 

When did seven year olds become the primary decision makers, I wondered as I watched them. If I had to make my own decisions early in life, I would have been mute and frozen at every crossroad, simply standing there till someone behind me shoved me in some direction.

 

Shuggy Aunty told me that she prayed almost 100 nawafil each night, in addition to thousands of darood shareef and recitation of the Quran. She had been doing it for decades. In her nawafil she asked God to send His Blessings upon Prophets and Saints, Angels and people who she thought were extraordinary.

 

The list was impressive. It included statesmen, philosophers poets, actors, singers, artists. There was Mr. Jinnah, Allama Iqbal, Madam Nur Jahan. I believe Artugul had made the list recently. I wasn’t sure if it was the historical figure or the actor. Probably both! It was because of her that I was inspired to pray nawafil and send the blessings to specific persons most beloved to God that I connected with deeply.

 

Ghaus Pak (ra) became the reason I recently started saying a very specific two nafal at the prayer before Fajr. In striving towards the consummation of the purpose of my creation, it was a God send in terms of the ask.

 

“O seeker! Get up at Tahajjud and pray two nafal (bi-niyyat hasool e ma’rifat), with the intention of gaining Gnosis. Then ask Allah for this: ‘Dear Lord, Of those who are the good in Your Creation, inform me of them. Make me acquainted with the one who will show me the way to You, who will feed me with the food of Your Bounty (fazl), and give me drink from the wine of Your Love and put the kohl of the light of Your Closeness (qurb) upon the eye of my heart (qalb).”

 

Subhan Allah!

 

I had read in the Quran that one’s faults were only shown to a person who was conscious of God. Otherwise they would become hidden. And when they would appear, they would appear only as correct, thereby reducing the possibility of reversal to zero.

 

أَفَمَن زُيِّنَ لَهُۥ سُوٓءُ عَمَلِهِۦ فَرَءَاهُ حَسَنًۭا ۖ

 

Are those whose evil-doing is made so appealing to them that they deem it good? – Surah Al-Fatir, Verse 8

 

Closeness to God seemed to be a road filled with extraordinary difficulty. Self-analysis, reflection, constant mindfulness, acceptance of error and wrongdoing, all of which usually occurred throughout the day, if not night. I asked Qari Sahib if there wasn’t there an easier way to become amongst the ones chosen by God.

 

“How does one befriend God?” I asked smiling. “Shortcut wise,” making my question clearer.

 

He smiled back.

 

“It’s not a bad thing. Shortcuts must be sought so the soul does not have to toil and carry burdens that are ever increasing. Look at the examples of those who are promised closeness by way of deed. The martyr has to sacrifice life. End it in the Way of God. That is extremely difficult for most of us. The sacrifice has to be for the right cause otherwise the same act lands one in Hell.”

 

I knew the hadith he was referring to. It was also a hadith Qudsi and extremely well known.

 

I heard the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) say that Allah says:

 

'The first of people against whom judgment will be pronounced on the Day of Resurrection will be a man who died a martyr. He will be brought and Allah will make known to him His favours and he will recognize them.

 

Allah will say, “And what did you do about them?”

 

He will say, “I fought for you until I died a martyr.”

 

And Allah will say, “You have lied - you did but fight that it might be said (of you), ‘He is courageous.’ And so it was said.”

 

Then he will be ordered to be dragged along on his face until he is cast into Hell-fire.'

 

The hadith continues in the same form for the scholar and the wealthy person whose reasons again were worldly, who wished to be known by others as “learned,” who wanted to the title of “generous” from mortals. They were driven by pride alone.

 

“If you choose the path of worship to gain affinity with Allah, it is also exceedingly difficult. Even if it is obedience with love. Can we say a 1,000 nawafil a day like the Friends of God who did it in emulation of Nabi Kareem (peace be upon him) and his family? Can we fast for many days each week beyond Ramadan? Most likely not. More so, are we willing to sacrifice everything we possess, everyone we love to receive Closeness?”

 

It was certainly a rhetorical question for me. I can barely break a habit of the most inane variety.

 

“Once again the Mercy of God comes to us easiest in the form of a human being. Nabi Kareem (peace be upon him) gives us the way, the easy way that you seek:

 

السخی حبیب اللہ

 

'The generous one is a Friend of God.'

 

And in another tradition he continues:

 

لو کانا فاسق

 

'Even if he is sinful.'”

 

I felt relief. Whether one takes it or not, it’s always nice to know of a path leading away from the thick of a jungle impenetrable by light. Who knows when the ability to take a step on it might be gifted?

 

Qari Sahib continued: “The level of resistance to that which is harmful (body or soul) is a function of gratitude. Gratitude is a function of good deeds, acts of kindness for another. You know this.

 

The best of those deeds is feeding the needy. You have studied almost all of the verses in the Quran that express spending for the Sake of Allah clearly, from the beginning of the Book in Al-Baqarah all the way till the end. Express your gratitude through your generosity and cut all the corners you want.

 

Let me give you a different argument for why giving to the needy is the key to everything: Kaffara is the penalty for breaking a rule in our faith, for transgression of a rule that has been set in jurisprudence. If the law is broken, the religion allows for recompense of the act to avoid punishment from God. What is that penance for so many things? For breaking an oath for instance?”

 

He cited the verse:

 

لَا يُؤَاخِذُكُمُ ٱللَّهُ بِٱللَّغْوِ فِىٓ أَيْمَـٰنِكُمْ وَلَـٰكِن يُؤَاخِذُكُم بِمَا عَقَّدتُّمُ ٱلْأَيْمَـٰنَ ۖ

فَكَفَّـٰرَتُهُۥٓ إِطْعَامُ عَشَرَةِ مَسَـٰكِينَ مِنْ أَوْسَطِ مَا تُطْعِمُونَ أَهْلِيكُمْ أَوْ كِسْوَتُهُمْ أَوْ تَحْرِيرُ رَقَبَةٍۢ ۖ

فَمَن لَّمْ يَجِدْ فَصِيَامُ ثَلَـٰثَةِ أَيَّامٍۢ ۚ

ذَٰلِكَ كَفَّـٰرَةُ أَيْمَـٰنِكُمْ إِذَا حَلَفْتُمْ ۚ

وَٱحْفَظُوٓا۟ أَيْمَـٰنَكُمْ ۚ كَذَٰلِكَ يُبَيِّنُ ٱللَّهُ لَكُمْ ءَايَـٰتِهِۦ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَشْكُرُونَ

 

God will not take you to task for oaths which you may have uttered without thought, but He will take you to task for oaths which you have sworn in earnest.

 

Thus, breaking an oath, must be atoned for by feeding 10 needy persons with the same food as you normally give to your own families, or by clothing them, or by freeing a human being from bondage – Surah Maida, Verse 89

 

“On top of that if you break a fast, to make up for it you feed 60 poor people. If you are unwell or for whatever reason unable to keep a fast, you have to feed one poor person for each unkept fast.”

 

أوَعَلَى ٱلَّذِينَ يُطِيقُونَهُۥ فِدْيَةٌۭ طَعَامُ مِسْكِينٍۢ ۖ

فَمَن تَطَوَّعَ خَيْرًۭا فَهُوَ خَيْرٌۭ لَّهُۥ ۚ

وَأَن تَصُومُوا۟ خَيْرٌۭ لَّكُمْ ۖ إِن كُنتُمْ تَعْلَمُونَ

 

For those who can only fast with extreme difficulty, compensation can be made by feeding a needy person (for every day not fasted).

 

But whoever volunteers to give more, it is better for them. And to fast is better for you, if only you knew – Surah Al-Baqarah, Verse 184

 

“And the instruction of the how is even more clear. What should you feed the poor person? It can be any range of things that can be dirt cheap to super expensive. How do you know what the right meal is, whether it’s for one person or a hundred? Luckily we don’t have to rely on our instincts which will likely steer towards miserliness.”

 

He repeated the verse:

 

مِنْ أَوْسَطِ مَا تُطْعِمُونَ أَهْلِيكُمْ

 

… must be atoned for by feeding 10 needy persons with the same food as you normally give to your own families…

 

“Oh no!” was my first thought.

 

All those times I had fed the homeless in foreign lands. All those times I had fed the indigent travelers in Mecca and Medina. All those times I distributed food in my own city. It was never anything I ate myself. I was so finicky. I thought I was executing the act so superbly allowing them to pick their own meal.

 

The first time I started eating literally the same thing I was giving the poor was this year with the meal I was distributing on the Mondays I had recently started fasting on every week. I looked forward to it and it was true. The meal held a deliciousness that was at par with all my foodie favourites all over the world.

 

I felt grateful the occasion had entered my life. Perhaps it was because I was celebrating Nabi Kareem’s (peace be upon him) birthday that the act had been allowed to be executed for me so that there was nothing lacking. There was nothing about my own nafs that was usually robbing me, even from within my own supposed acts of goodness.

 

Qari Sahib ended on a somber note: “The saddest part is that we pray and pray and we think we are so good when we barely fulfill what is obligatory. And that too with much distraction. How many of us have ever honored the orphan?”

 

بَل لَّا تُكْرِمُونَ ٱلْيَتِيمَ

 

You do not honor the orphan – Surah Al-Fajr, Verse 17

 

It was the word “tukrimoona” that I looked up. It has been translated as being “gracious towards, generous to” and the word Qari Sahib used, “to honor.” It was something I had specifically intended to do at the beginning of the year, then totally forgotten. Now it had come up again 11 months into the year. I began thinking about it and one question recurred in my head. How did one “honor” the orphan? I looked up the tafseer of the verse.

 

Tafseer e Jilani: “Man thinks that the standard of respect and regard given to him by God is a function of how much material wealth he possesses. Therefore he also believes that a state of humiliation from God, zillat, is that of the one who lives a life of poverty and financial need.

 

But before Allah, honor and respect, izzat, is endowed upon the one who spends on the poor and feeds the hungry to gain His Pleasure. That is why He says, ‘O one bestowed with wealth! You do not honor the the orphan and see how they are doing, how are they spending their life, what are they wearing and eating. Nor do you emphasize to each other the feeding of the needy.”

 

And as far as respect went:

 

ٱلَّذِينَ يَتَّخِذُونَ ٱلْكَـٰفِرِينَ أَوْلِيَآءَ مِن دُونِ ٱلْمُؤْمِنِينَ ۚ

أَيَبْتَغُونَ عِندَهُمُ ٱلْعِزَّةَ فَإِنَّ ٱلْعِزَّةَ لِلَّهِ جَمِيعًۭا

 

Those who take the disbelievers as allies instead of the believers, do they seek with them honor? But indeed, all honor is for Allah – Surah An-Nisa, Verse 139

 

Then one day it struck me what honoring the orphan might mean. The orphan never asks anyone for anything. There is no one to ask. I knew that because I realized that I never asked anyone for anything and I wasn’t an orphan. I know my nature developed that way because of being away from my family at the age when a child does ask for things, big and small. But there was no birthday celebrated at the boarding school. There was no cake, there were no presents. It was a day amongst days. By the time I came home I didn’t care about getting things from other people. I didn’t care about my birthday. It remained a day amongst days.

 

As I grew older and understood the meaning of emotional generosity, a much harder feat than doling out money already in one’s pocket, I saw that it meant just that; asking someone what they wanted, doing for them what they liked. Therein also lay the ability to surprise someone which I have always loved doing. Executing a surprise entails a supremely confident guarantee of delight upon its unveiling.

 

I remember Qari Sahib once said, “When you ask God for something, you don’t say, ‘Give me what You want.’ You are very specific in your needs and wishes. You stress upon them again and again, sometimes for years. You beg for them and cry for them to come true. And more often that not, He gives you exactly that, not something else but what you asked for.”

 

Thus came about my plan for this 12th of Rabbul Awwal to visit three orphanages with a friend of mine’s children in a part of Lahore I didn’t know existed. In keeping with the order of the Quran, we took treats the kids would choose for themselves.

 

As we planned the day, the words from the Tafseer e Tustari roamed in my head: “Consider it a happy occasion when you are able to provide help to someone in need. Because you do not know what the next moment will bring. Destinies may change or life may be so short that you may not be able to complete an act or see a joy mature.”

 

The children were adorable. The ages ranged from 4 to 16. They were Muslim as well as Christian. I realized that when they prayed before they started to eat. Some of the little ones, their heads bent, cupped their tiny hands, whispering for what seemed a while. It took every ounce of my control to not ask them what they were saying for so long.

 

Two things stood out for me in particular from the day. The first was what the person who ran the first orphanage said to us while he was giving us the background for its foundation: “When we were young, there were days my parents came to us and said, ‘Today our lunch has been sent to so and so’s house because they are more in need for it than us.’”

 

“Like Hazrat Ali (ratu)!” I exclaimed.

 

“That is what they did,” he continued. And now my wife and children, we set up this orphanage and everything we need comes to us sooner or later by Allah.”

 

The second was someone from the last orphanage saying with a smile, “This is a first for us. People come every year on Eids but this is the first time someone has come to visit us on the 12th of Rabbul Awwal.”

 

I beamed. “Hamari qismat hai.”

 

Every time I do something right or wrong I palpably feel this verse of the Quran. When I do something wrong, I feel the tightness my anxiety creates in my heart almost immediately now. Whether I want to address it or suffer the misery lies in my own hands. When I do something good, I feel the lightness the deed brings.

 

لَهَا مَا كَسَبَتْ وَعَلَيْهَا مَا ٱكْتَسَبَتْ ۗ

 

In his favour shall be whatever good he does, and against him whatever evil he does – Surah Al-Baqarah, Verse 285

 

Strangely enough, courtesy of doing something for an orphan for the first time, I became better about celebrating the blessings in my own life. For it was also in Rabbul Awwal this year I learnt that a blessing should be celebrated with exultation.

 

I had asked Qari Sahib to only study ahadith with me to mark the month of the blessed birth of Nabi Kareem (peace be upon him).

 

Unsurprisingly, he started the series with a bang and a half.

 

“Let’s ask God how He wants His Blessings celebrated?”

 

قُلْ بِفَضْلِ اللَّهِ وَبِرَحْمَتِهِ فَبِذَٰلِكَ فَلْيَفْرَحُوا هُوَ خَيْرٌ مِّمَّا يَجْمَعُون

 

Say (O Beloved), "In the Bounty (of) Allah and in His Mercy so in that let them rejoice." It is better than what they accumulate (in wealth) – Surah Yunus, Verse 58

 

“Rejoice!” Qari Sahib said in Punjabi. “Don’t dig a hole and hide your wealth in it, then place a chair over it and sit on it. Spend it. Be happy about what you have been bestowed, celebrate your blessings. Allah has given us many indeed. But the ultimate blessing that God has sent to Mankind is His Beloved (peace be upon him). Allah does us many favours for He has bestowed us, life, nature, wealth, health. The list is endless. But he emphasizes one as the grandest favour above all.”

 

Then he recited the verse:

 

لَقَدْ مَنَّ ٱللَّهُ عَلَى ٱلْمُؤْمِنِينَ إِذْ بَعَثَ فِيهِمْ رَسُولًۭا مِّنْ أَنفُسِهِمْ يَتْلُوا۟ عَلَيْهِمْ ءَايَـٰتِهِۦ

وَيُزَكِّيهِمْ وَيُعَلِّمُهُمُ ٱلْكِتَـٰبَ وَٱلْحِكْمَةَ وَإِن كَانُوا۟ مِن قَبْلُ لَفِى ضَلَـٰلٍۢ مُّبِينٍ

 

Certainly bestowed a Favor Allah upon the believers as He raised among them a Messenger from themselves reciting to them His Verses and purifying them, and teaching them the Book and the wisdom, although they were from before that certainly in the error clear – Surah Aal e Imran, Verse 164

 

Hearing the words reminded me of the guaranteed benefit of the act of celebrating the birth of the Prophet (peace be upon him), even for the most wretched human being. So even the celebrating was for our own good!

 

Begin excerpt “Ali is to me as I am to God”

 

قَالَ عُرْوَةُ: وثُوَيْبَةُ مَوْلاةٌ لأَبِي لَهَبٍ,

كَانَ أَبُو لَهَبٍ أَعْتَقَهَا فَأَرْضَعَت النبيّ فَلَمَّا مَاتَ أَبُو لَهَبٍ أُرِيَهُ بَعْضُ أَهْلِهِ بِشَرِّ حِيبَةٍ قَالَ لَهُ: مَاذَا لَقِيتَ؟ (ثُوَيْبَةَ)قَالَ أَبُو لَهَبٍ: لَمْ أَلْقَ بَعْدَكُمْ غَيْرَ أَنِّي سُقِيتُ فِي هَذِهِ بِعَتَاقَتِي

 

Hazrat Urwa (ratu) said, ‘Sawaiba was the slave of Abu Lahab and he freed her. She also nursed the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). After Abu Lahab died, some within his family saw him in a dream in a terrible state and asked him, ‘What did you gain?’ He answered, ‘I gained nothing after my separation from you except what I drink from that (the finger with) which I freed Sawaiba.’”

 

The explanation (sharha) of the hadith by the Islamic scholar Allama Badar-al Din-al Ayni is as follows:

 

As-Sohaili states that Hazrat Abbas (ratu) said, “After Abu Lahab died, I saw him in a dream in a terrible state and he said, ‘I gained no comfort after I died except for the lessening of my torment on the day Monday.’

 

Hazrat Abbas (ratu) said, ‘For that is the day the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) was born and Sawaiba brought the good news to Abu Lahab about his birth and he freed her.’”

 

I had first heard the hadith in a lecture by my Spiritual Master by lineage, Pir Naseeruddin Naseer (ra), where he presented it as his argument (daleel) against those who say that Hazrat Ali’s (ratu) father and the Prophet Muhammad’s (peace be upon him) paternal uncle, Hazrat Abu Talib (ratu), died an idolator (mushrik). Hazrat Abu Talib (ratu) was the one who raised the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) who was an orphan. He was the one who offered him protection from his adversaries in Mecca. He provided the only front that prevented them from inflicting upon him physical harm time and again.

 

Abu Lahab, “The Man Vowed to Hell-fire,” publicly declared himself an enemy of God and His Beloved (peace be upon him) from the earliest days of his propagating the message. And took pride in it. He is cursed by name by Allah Al-Muntaqim, The Retaliator, in the Quran (Surah Al-Masad, Verse 1). He displayed an open allegiance to idolatry throughout his life.

 

Despite his being was relegated to burn in Hell until the Day of Judgement, Abu Lahab had and would receive a bounty from his finger that expressed his happiness for a single instant upon hearing the news of the birth of deceased brother’s child, his nephew, who would later become the Messenger of God (peace be upon him). That single gesture expressing joy rewarded him with cold, sweet water every Monday, the day of his birth, till the end of time.

 

End excerpt “Ali is to me as I am to God”

 

So this Rabbul Awwal I celebrate the month like never before. Before I used to just do something only on the 12th. Now I try to do something every single day. One of the women who works for me told me that in her neighborhood, the decorative lights went up the night the new moon was sighted. From then on it was 30 days of festivities by both young and old. I had already made a video specifically to upload for Nabi Kareem’s (peace be upon him) birthday. So I started to distribute food more than ever.

 

To directly quote Shuggy Aunty, “Degon ke mun khol do (open the mouth of the cauldrons of food).”

 

Many people make the intention to recite the darood shareef to reach 125,000 by the 12th again as a present. I had been part of one group before but had hardly read anything. I was always intimidated by count in worship. For one thing I felt like it was something old women did, although the ones doing it usually for years now were my age. I also had a mental block around my own ability to pray that much on beads.

 

But this year when my friend suggested it, I was like, “I’m in for ten thousand.” It turned to be beyond easy. After day four I stopped caring about the counter. The number didn’t matter anymore. What it was doing for my sense of ease is inexpressible. The best way to communicate it is to say the finally my obedience was starting to be sprinkled with love. For the first time in my life, I was in a state of worship! I even called a friend in Cairo and one in Karachi to ask them to join in if they wanted. One did, the other didn’t. Everything comes with time. No one knew that better than me.

 

The strangest part about life is that destiny offers us all opportunity all the time. Taqdeer we call it in Urdu. Yet we turn our faces ourselves. Some of us deny our own identity of the faith that was bestowed upon us as the epitome of blessings. What else does one call having the Prophet amongst 124,000 who Allah loves like no one else. Others deny heritage and culture, even language and nationality. Qari Sahib explained to me why that happens.

 

“Things are written in our taqdeer, destiny, but are they in our naseeb, that which we partake in? Look at the Bani Israel. Which nation other than them upon this Earth was given food from the heavens just because they asked their Prophet, Moses (as), for it? None other.

 

وَظَلَّلْنَا عَلَيْكُمُ ٱلْغَمَامَ وَأَنزَلْنَا عَلَيْكُمُ ٱلْمَنَّ وَٱلسَّلْوَىٰ ۖ

 

And We shaded you with clouds and sent down to you manna and quails – Surah Al-Baqarah, Verse 57

 

Then upon receiving it because of his prayer, literally food came for them from Heaven every day, they tired of it and wanted onions and garlic. Food from Heaven was in their muqaddar but not in their naseeb.”

 

وَإِذْ قُلْتُمْ يَـٰمُوسَىٰ لَن نَّصْبِرَ عَلَىٰ طَعَامٍۢ وَٰحِدٍۢ فَٱدْعُ لَنَا رَبَّكَ يُخْرِجْ لَنَا مِمَّا تُنۢبِتُ ٱلْأَرْضُ

مِنۢ بَقْلِهَا وَقِثَّآئِهَا وَفُومِهَا وَعَدَسِهَا وَبَصَلِهَا ۖ

 

And when you said, “O Musa! Never will we endure on food of one (kind), so pray for us to your Lord to bring forth for us out of what grows the earth, of its herbs, and its cucumbers, and its garlic, and its lentils, and its onions.” - Surah Al-Baqarah, Verse 61

 

“So when you delay or deny something that is good out of bukhl, miserliness, be wary. For it will be with money and your emotional dealings with people. At least be aware of it and hope that you acknowledge it. There will be one of two reasons for the delay of that act which is undeniably good. Either the impediment is coming from your own nafs or from the whisperings of Iblis. If it’s your nafs, you still have a chance. If it’s Iblis, you will never even think you did something wrong.”

 

وَإِذْ زَيَّنَ لَهُمُ ٱلشَّيْطَـٰنُ أَعْمَـٰلَهُمْ

 

And (remember) when Satan made their ˹evil˺ deeds appealing to them – Surah Al-Anfal, Verse 48

 

Everyone in life seeks peace of heart. I used to say peace of mind but no more since the Quran says everything of value to the soul lies in the heart. The Book also gives the certain way of acquiring it.

 

أَلَا بِذِكْرِ اللَّهِ تَطْمَئِنُّ الْقُلُوبُ

 

Verily in the remembrance of God do hearts find rest. – Surah Ar-Rad, Verse 28

 

Uzair once said in a lecture that the Sufis have come up with 70 some ways of defining “remembrance,” which is being in a state of consciousness of Him. Again not in ritual where He can be entirely backgrounded. Then Uzair went on to describe the ways in which the “rest” is received. I wrote down three.

 

“If you remember Allah, He will change your destiny to favour you.”

 

“If you will change your nature for His Sake, He will change the nature of others for you.”

 

“When you will help another in their time of need, forgetting your own self for an instant, mindfully placing your own needs aside, He will fulfill your needs that you aren’t even aware of.”

 

For me the stages of life are over. What was left I thought I would live hoping that if God doesn’t befriend me, I will befriend Him. And if not Him, there was still the possibility of being considered a loved one of His Beloved (peace be upon him):

 

عَنْ أَنَسِ بْنِ مَالِكٍ قَالَ: قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ : مَتَى أَلْقَى أَحْبَابِي؟

فَقَالَ أَصْحَابُهُ: بِأَبِينَا أَنْتَ وَأُمِّنَا أَوَلَسْنَا أَحْبَابَكَ؟

فَقَالَ: أَنْتُمْ أَصْحَابِي، أَحْبَابِي قَوْمٌ لَمْ يَرُونِي وَآمَنُوا بِي وَأَنَا إِلَيْهِمْ بِالأَشْوَاقِ لأَكْثَرَ

 

Tradition states from Hazrat Uns Bin Maalik (ratu) that the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, “When will I meet my loved ones?"

 

So the Companions said, “By our fathers and mothers, for are we not your loved ones?”

 

The Prophet (peace be upon him) replied, “You are my Companions. My loved ones are those who did not see me and brought faith upon me and I yearn to meet them more (than they yearn to meet me.)”

 

Magnificent!

 

Then ironically and quite recently, I found that the most difficult of human ordeals came in the last stage of life, not because what was not achieved but what was. The boxes had all been checked but what surfaced were only the hopes that remained dashed, the ceaseless toll from the sacrifices that were made but never rendered ease because they were unacknowledged by the ones they were made for. There was an escapable knowing that what one might have once dreamt of and sought would now never come true.

 

The truth of the moment was painfully heavy. If it induced bitterness, then in its continual overflow, everything became spoilt. In spite of this intensity of weariness, people wanted their life, of dread, to be extended for decades even when there was nothing to look forward to in it here and nothing to look forward to it there. Maybe that’s a sixth box they made up that they wanted to tick; “I lived to be 80.”

 

It seems impossibly hard for many to find the root of their pain. Most don’t wish to know. The tragedy of life is when the inertia makes a person’s heart dead. I know the feeling of emotional numbness well. I have experienced it in long bouts of 14 years a piece. That’s more than half my life! One starting from when I entered the boarding school. The second started when my mother died. Each time what brought me out of that state of paralysis was love. Once it was earthly, the second when I felt God’s Presence in every step I took in Damascus.

 

The deepest learning of all though came for me this month of this year. I know in my heart it was only by way of Nabi Kareem’s (peace be upon him) mercy upon my soul. And perhaps because of this:

 

“When you will help another in their time of need, forgetting your own self for an instant, mindfully placing your own needs aside, He will fulfill your needs that you aren’t even aware of.”

 

It was in seeing my own life already passed through a different lens than the one I had been wearing. In spite of all the "self-awareness," I realized totally by accident, that I had painted over my life with my own impressions. I had coloured brown over what were yellows, red and greens and black over whites and blues.

 

My “understanding” of what had been my relationships was entirely different from reality. The startling realization came when I found a pile of correspondence in a drawer in my house from literally my whole life entirely by accident. The first thing I opened was a card from my mother.

 

I had been 21, in my senior year at Oberlin. She had sent the card to me from London. She was a writer of letters. I think it ran in her family. I heard she wrote notes to her mother and vice versa. All the while they lived in the same house!

 

It was the cover of the card that blew me away. A mama teddy bear and a baby teddy bear sitting next to each other amidst flowers. I kept looking at the cover, then inside at the date. 29th September, 1992. All my life I have mocked my friends and then their kids because I felt they had been baby-ied in the stages of their life that doesn't warrant it. “Mummy Daddys” we called them in Pakistan. And here I had been, receiving a card at 21 one might get at 6.

 

I had only gotten through a single letter and card, just one from my sister and one from my mother, when I realized that I had wrapped myself with veils of what I thought was their perception of me, what was my perception of them and never gone beyond it. Because they had died, there had never been any correction or clarification. My life up to that point of their departure had been buried with them, misconceptions and all.

 

But I also found letters from those who were still alive now. Even they were unrecognizable in those words, in what they said about me, the recipient and what they disclosed about themselves as the writers. They were so different now. The toll of life had left them altered, battered. I knew that if they saw what they had penned then, 30 years ago, they would be startled. It was a meeting with oneself, the innocent, kinder, happier self.

 

Coming face to face with one’s own being from decades earlier is a trip. In my last session with my shrink which was when I was 39, she had asked me to close my eyes and imagine being in a beautiful spot. I chose a beach. Then she asked me to imagine a little child there and asked me who I thought it was.

 

“Me,” I replied.

 

She seemed taken aback. “Why do you say that?”

 

“Who else could it be?” I said.

 

I don’t remember the purpose of the exercise at the time anymore.

 

Coming across the stash of letters, cards and photos from my life becomes my meeting with that child in real life. And it will be a relief. I am so much more than I had relegated myself to. Others were so much more than what I had locked them into being only because it was more recent. I had constricted my identity as well as theirs to a few words and experiences, then regurgitated them ad nauseam.

 

I told Qari Sahib everything that happened and on cue, he quoted the Quran so aptly I could not help but fall in love with the verse.

 

لَّقَدْ كُنتَ فِى غَفْلَةٍۢ مِّنْ هَـٰذَا فَكَشَفْنَا عَنكَ غِطَآءَكَ فَبَصَرُكَ ٱلْيَوْمَ حَدِيدٌۭ

 

Certainly you were in heedlessness of this. So We have removed from you your veil, so your sight today is sharp.

Surah Qaf, Verse 22

 

In one of the prayers Allah Himself teaches the Prophet (peace be upon him), in short telling him what to ask for before Him, it is to pray for every single breathing moment to be rooted in truth. Nothing hidden, nothing veiled.

 

وَقُل رَّبِّ أَدْخِلْنِى مُدْخَلَ صِدْقٍۢ وَأَخْرِجْنِى مُخْرَجَ صِدْقٍۢ وَٱجْعَل لِّى مِن لَّدُنكَ سُلْطَـٰنًۭا نَّصِيرًۭا

 

And say (in your prayer O Beloved), “O my Sustainer!

Cause me to enter (in whatever I do) in a manner, true and sincere, and cause me to leave it in a manner true and sincere.

And grant me of from Your Presence, a sustaining support.

Surah Al-Isra’, Verse 80

 

Tafseer e Jilani: “O my Lord, enter me into the place of being settled, which is the place of Tauheed where everything else vanishes. And place me forever in it without doubt and change within me. And take me out of the demands of egoism and selfish desires towards dissolution in You, then enjoin me to the Honor of Your Eternity, with a meeting to a place without jolts and slippage, all the while when I am embattling my ego and my nafs Ammara is trying to control me, with that which silences them once and for all, and never turns me towards them but towards an appearance before You, that helps me over my enemies and rescues me when they attack me.”

 

وَقُلْ جَاءَ الْحَقُّ وَزَهَقَ الْبَاطِلُ إِنَّ الْبَاطِلَ كَانَ زَهُوقً

 

And declare, O Prophet (peace be upon you), “The truth has come and falsehood has vanished, for falsehood is bound to wither away - Surah Al-Isra’, Verse 81

 

“When you are solid in your settlement in Allah’s Unveiling before you, a clear Sun of Allah’s Essence has appeared. Then there is nothing else for all has disappeared; the shadows and darkness that destroy one’s being. In the absence of that which creates a veil around God for you, all those things will vanish.”

 

“Everything returns to its source,” is an old Arabic saying. I guess it happens one way or another. The body crumbles into dust. The soul goes back to its Creator. Where I stand now, for the first time in my life, I begin to see with clarity who I was and who I am. Nothing blunting my memory forever because it was once traumatic. Nothing compartmentalized and locked with keys thrown away.

 

The Prophet (peace be upon him) remembered every single thing that happened in his life. He felt every moment for what it was, no skipping, no skimming. When he was suffered a loss, he allowed himself to feel sad and shed tears. When he felt happy, he smiled. Every experience was a gift from His Lord, he was grateful through all of it. Entering and leaving every single moment was from a place of truth to a place of truth.

 

The mind remembers life’s pain vividly and forgets happiness. That in and of itself explains a lot. For the heart is the seat of intellect and feeling, understanding and emotion. The heart doesn’t hold onto pain unless it is dark. It is dark because of the absence of light. The upside for me already is that now when I am around someone whose behaviour is baffling and unrecognizable to me, I remind myself actually understanding the words instead of uttering them in rote, “But once they were not like this.” Now I have letters to prove it!

 

A card, a letter, a term of endearment! I couldn’t have guessed, if my life depended on it, things so simple would bring me out of my cave. A cave in which I had carefully placed memories, stacking them in order, when all the while they were all wrong.

 

My birthday is in a week. I will turn 50. Turns out it didn’t matter which stage I lived and which I missed. A new stage of life will begin that is not of “self-delusion.” I will walk on that beach. I will take the little hand of the child in mine. As we feel the sand and water warm under our feet, I will tell her what I remember and she will tell me what I forgot.

 

In his book Al-Fath Ar-Rabbani (The Sublime Revelation), Ghaus Pak (ra) seals it perfectly.

 

“When you follow the Prophets and the Saints, the Friends of God, footstep by footstep in their speech and in their actions, in privacy and in public, in your knowledge and in your deed, in your appearance and in your behaviour, when you think of them as your beloveds, then Allah will grant you a nur, a light.

 

From that light you will be able to see your flaws within and without, in your overt and your inner being, and your weaknesses will be made apparent to you. After that the qurb, the Closeness, will begin…First comes the Command from God to be obedient. Then follows ability, taufeeq.”

 

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Done